THAT Mother

I became THAT mother today. THAT woman that I never want to be. You know the one. The woman with the scowl on her face dragging her three small children through Target bitching at them the entire way. That woman you look at and think, What did you expect, lady? They're just little kids. Get off their backs! That was me today. And it was a side of me that I did not like at all.

I think my To-Do list just got the best of me. I was stressing about everything I needed to get done today. I picked Lucas up from school this afternoon, just bracing myself for the firestorm that would erupt when I told my little homebody that we had to run to Target before we went home. At first, he was perfectly fine with it and said OK. I should have known he wasn't listening to me. A few minutes later, I made some comment about needing them to be good for me in Target. Lucas busted out crying...huge crocodile tears and wails. "We're going to Target?!?!" Yea...he wasn't listening before when he pleasantly agreed. Eventually, he calmed down and was OK...but that didn't exactly set a pleasant tone.

The minute we walked in Target, I began to feel myself tense up. I wanted to do a quick in-and-out. Of course, with three kids under the age of seven tagging along, that's a near impossibility. We first went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. Of course, there was a line. I stood there for a few minutes, fussing at the kids to stop touching things and to stand still. As we were making our way closer to the front of the line, Sophie announced suddenly that she had to pee. I tried to tell her she had to wait, but she wasn't having that. I know well enough that Sophie isn't kidding when she says she has to go. If I didn't scoot right then, she would have stood right there and peed on the floor. So I got out of line...totally pissed because I knew the line would only be longer when we got back. We walked halfway across the store to the bathroom. Sophie peed. As we were getting ready to walk out the door, Nicholas said he had to pee. So he took his jacket off and threw it on the floor and climbed up on the potty. Of course, Lucas was flitting around playing with the paper towel dispenser and the sink and stepping all over Nicky's jacket. Nicholas was talking himself blue in the face about absolutely nothing as he sat on the toilet. Eventually, I growled, "Just pee, Nicky!" A little louder than I had anticipated. I am sure it sounded horrible to anyone within earshot.

We made it back to the pharmacy and got our prescription. We then had to make our way to both extreme ends of the store to grab diapers and Crystal Lite. The entire way the kids were hanging on the sides of the cart...one pulling it one way while another pushed it another way. I almost ran over several people. I rammed the cart into a couple of aisles. The entire way, I was bitching at the kids to get off the cart...walk straight...hurry up...stop lallygagging. I could hear the nagging tone in my voice and I hated it, but I couldn't seem to help myself. I was just irritated and tired and thinking about the 100 things I needed to accomplish when and IF we could just get the hell out of Target. As we were checking out, Lucas pushed Nicky and almost knocked him to the floor. The check-out lady said, "Oh honey, be careful." She was being very nice and was concerned about little waifish Nicky. However, in my head I was screaming, "I can control my kids, lady! I don't need your help!" What was wrong with me?!? Where did this hateful, bitchy person come from?!

In actuality, the kids were perfectly well-behaved in Target. They were being kids...energetic kids. But they weren't running through the store screaming. They stayed right with me. They didn't cry for new toys. They didn't fight or fuss. Aside from Lucas shoving Nicky a little too hard in the check-out line, they did nothing wrong. I felt extremely guilty for nagging at them. When we got to the van and I got everyone buckled into their car seats, I apologized to them. I told them mommy was tired and that we all get grumpy sometimes when we are tired. But really...that's no excuse. So what if I have a To-Do list a mile long? There is nothing on that list important enough for me to treat my kids the way I did today. I don't like being that mother.

I took a second look at my To-Do list this evening. Some things were done and checked off this afternoon. Others were not. The laundry did not get folded and put away. Amazingly, however, the world did not end. The sun set as usual...and I anticipate that it will rise again in the morning. Life will go on. I will live to make another To-Do list tomorrow. I think this time I will add the following to my list.

Be kind to your children.
Be gentle with yourself.