tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26708902328159899472024-03-13T12:16:41.266-05:00Chronicles of a Clueless Momone woman's musings on life, liberty, and the pursuit of the perfect playdateShannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.comBlogger746125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-37061829230292623902021-02-23T08:49:00.008-06:002021-02-23T10:04:34.986-06:00<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-J0Cw_5tkHsI/YDUV12C2nLI/AAAAAAAADdY/dT6xyLrsGWQtJLIdu4ZNoxReOxMyuvuJwCLcBGAsYHQ/s300/Cancer-sucks-300x300.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="300" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-J0Cw_5tkHsI/YDUV12C2nLI/AAAAAAAADdY/dT6xyLrsGWQtJLIdu4ZNoxReOxMyuvuJwCLcBGAsYHQ/s0/Cancer-sucks-300x300.jpg" /></a></div><br />What? The? Actual? Fuck?<p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Okay, I am feeling a bit angry
today. And sad. And a tad defeated.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Last week, my baby brother was
diagnosed with Stage 2 testicular cancer that has spread to the surrounding lymph
nodes. He is officially the 4<sup>th</sup> person in my 6-person immediate
family to be diagnosed with cancer. First my dad had brain cancer that killed
him within a year of diagnosis when I was eleven years old. Then I was
diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer at age 44 and lost an entire year of my
life to treatment and I am still dealing with the aftermath on a daily basis. Then
one year – almost to the day – after my diagnosis, my mom was diagnosed with
Stage 1 breast cancer and went through painful surgery and radiation. Now my brother is preparing to undergo a
second surgery (he’s already had the testicle removed) to remove the affected
lymph nodes, followed by possible chemo. Or radiation? We do not know yet
because he is stuck in the infernal cancer holding pattern. Waiting for news. Waiting
for a call. Waiting for an appointment. Waiting for a prognosis. Waiting for
the shit that will fuck up his life for months to come to <b><i>get started already</i></b>
<b><i>for fuck’s sake</i></b> so there will be an end in sight at some point in
the distant future.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">We’ve been genetically tested. Yep,
both my mom and I were fully tested. There appears to be no genetic markers for
cancer in my family. So what’s the deal? 66% of my family gets cancer (so far) and
it’s just a fluke? Are we cursed? Does the Ralph family just have laughably horrible
luck? Is cancer particularly fond of us? I mean we’re cute and all. But come
on, leave us alone.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I don’t know. Honestly, I do not even know why I am writing
this blog today. I am just feeling an intense sense of outrage on my brother’s
behalf. I want to scream into the abyss about the unfairness of it all. He’s
only 41 years old. He has two small children. He is in the process of selling
his house. He has so much on his plate right now that cancer is the very last
thing he should be thinking about. But
that’s what cancer does. It strikes you in your prime. It stalks you and
attacks when you least expect it. I don’t think anyone ever sees it coming.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Here’s the other thing with cancer. Once it’s got you, it
never let’s go. I am cancer free right now. Have been for four years. In
December of this year, I will hit the five-year mark of being cancer free,
which supposedly is a big deal because most cancers, if they are going to come
back, will do so within the first five years. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But it doesn’t matter than I am officially cancer free because
I still live with cancer every day. My cancer was in all three levels of my lymph
nodes. My surgeon was only able to take out two levels (apparently, your body
needs at least one level of lymph nodes in that area) which means that after my
double mastectomy, I still had cancer in my lymph nodes. I underwent six weeks
of grueling every-day radiation afterwards and then my oncologist declared me
cancer free. Not in remission – he does not use that word – but cancer free. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">For the moment.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But here’s the thing – cancer cells are tiny. Itsy bitsy
little pieces of shit. How do I know that one tiny cell did not break off and decide
to go on an excursion to Organtown. To my lungs? My liver? My bones? Or most
terrifying of all, to my brain? I live every day with the thought that any
minute now the cancer will take hold again. Every little ache is proof positive
in my mind of bone cancer. Every cough is lung cancer. Every forgotten word –
and I forget <i>a lot </i>of words – is brain cancer. The psychological fallout
of cancer is even more insidious than the physical effects.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But I do have physical effects. I have pain. Pain that affects
me every day. My scar hurts. And it itches. A deep, deep itch. But my armpit on
that side is still numb four years later. You can’t scratch numb tissue. It just
doesn’t work. So I live with the itch. My left arm aches. My hands and feet
fall asleep from chemo-induced neuropathy. My feet hurt constantly. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I try to pretend I am fine. That I am “over it.” But that’s
a lie. I am content, but not fine. I try to live my best life. I try to make
the most of the life that was gifted to me – and I do consider my four years
cancer-free a gift for which I haven’t quite decided if I am worthy yet – when
so many others have died from the same disease. So many people were given the same diagnosis
as me. Went through the same treatment as me and did not come out the other
side. There is no rhyme or reason to my survival and others’ demise. Cancer
takes and takes and takes. And I will live with the fear of a recurrence every
day for the rest of my life. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As does my mom. And now as will my brother. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cancer is shit. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Can’t it just leave us alone?<b><o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Please. <o:p></o:p></p>Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-7406605224769486892021-02-02T10:26:00.006-06:002021-02-02T11:37:21.146-06:00An Open Letter to Kamala Harris<p> </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"></p><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-p64gESfap1k/YBl8_0N6N9I/AAAAAAAADcY/dxANBVfxePo9VedC2zA2mAnyLR4Qt0mTgCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/Kamala.jpg" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1697" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-p64gESfap1k/YBl8_0N6N9I/AAAAAAAADcY/dxANBVfxePo9VedC2zA2mAnyLR4Qt0mTgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Kamala.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><o:p></o:p><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Dear Madame
Vice-President:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Wow. That’s
a singularly <i>cool</i> thing to type.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I am going
to start by getting the gushing out of the way early. It probably sounds utterly
ridiculous for a grown woman to say, but I am just going to put it out there. When
I look at you, my heart feels a bit lighter. I breathe a little deeper. A sense
of calm is somehow restored to my anxiety-rattled brain. I see you as a beacon
of hope. As a path to a better future for my children. As a symbol of our
better natures.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Yeah…that’s
probably a lot to lay on the shoulders of one person, huh? But we women are
used to it. Holding the entire world on
our shoulders while underappreciated, underrepresented, and underpaid at every
turn is de rigueur. I am writing to you instead of Joe because I feel a sort of
kinship to you. What, you may wonder, would a middle-class, translucently
white, never-quite-rose-up-to-her-potential, frumpy lesbian mom from Minnesota
have in common with a Jamaican/Indian, HBC-educated woman from
California who was just elected to Vice-President of the most powerful nation
in the world?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I would venture
to say we have a lot in common.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">As a fellow woman,
I innately understand that nothing was ever handed to you. None of your success
was a forgone conclusion. From the moment you burst onto a male-dominated political
scene, your every win was an uphill battle. I suspect you were assumed to be
weak, so you had to be twice as strong. You were assumed to be ignorant, so you
had to be twice as smart. You were assumed to be gullible, so you had to be
twice as shrewd. And when you were stronger, smarter, and twice as shrewd, you
were called uppity, calculating, and combative. Just another <i>angry </i>woman.
Typical.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">We are all
both victims and perpetrators of this system. While we rail against it as
women, we also fall victim to the patriarchy that permeates every nook and
cranny of this world. Even as women – even when every fiber of our being knows
it is wrong – we tend to hold women to a higher standard. I am going to make an
embarrassing admission now.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">You were <i>not</i>
my first choice in the Democratic primary.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I found you
be extremely intelligent and well-spoken, but maybe a bit <i>cold</i>. I hate
to even type that now. I hate to admit that I participated in the completely
unfair patriarchal labeling of another woman. What a crock of bullshit! Over
the course of the excellent campaign you and Joe ran, I became a convert. Then
a fan. Then a fawning fangirl. In short, I am proud to have you as my
Vice-President and I want you to succeed on <i>every</i> level, in <i>everything</i>
you do.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">So let’s
talk business.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">The American
people are hurting. We have been traumatized by the last four years of attacks
on our common decency. We are mourning the loss of humility and humanity and honesty
in the world. We are afraid that our allies on the world stage will never trust
us again, and where will that leave us when we need friends? We are scared of
dying from a devastating illness that has killed 440,000 of us and counting. We
are grieving the entirely preventable loss of our loved ones. We have lost our
jobs and our livelihoods. Many of us can no longer feed our children, an
eventuality we could scarcely even imagine a year ago. We are trapped in our
homes, unable to see our family and friends. Unable to frequent our favorite neighborhood
small businesses. We watch as many of them close their doors for good, while America’s
614 billionaires grew their net worth by $931 billion during the COVID pandemic.
Our kids can’t go to school. And if their schools are doing in-person learning,
we have to weigh the very real consequences of sending them to school where
they may contract a deadly virus or keeping them home where they will surely
fall behind their classmates academically. We hate that there are no good
choices and worry that our kids are doomed either way. We are traumatized by
the events of January 6<sup>th</sup>. We are terrified of the homegrown Nazis
and white nationalists who have infiltrated and are quickly destroying the
Republican party. We see Republicans refusing to hold Trump and his violent
minions accountable for their crimes, and we fear we may be seeing an end to the
rule of law and even the death of our hard-earned Democracy. We are struggling
to come to terms with a nation that was built on racism and where racism not
only exists but thrives two hundred years later. We don’t know how to respond
to police officers who claim to protect and serve, but choke and shoot and kill
our neighbors who do not look like them. I live in the neighborhood where
George Floyd was mercilessly killed, and I am afraid that his murderers will walk
free. I am afraid of what will become of my beloved city when they do. We are
filled with sorrow and outrage and anger and frustration. We are exhausted from
the injustices of the last four years. We are a people in excruciating pain.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Worse yet
(if you can imagine anything worse than the paragraph I just typed above) is
the anxiety I have for my children. I have three teenagers. Lucas is 18. Sophie
and Nicholas are 14. They are bright children who have watched everything
unfold over the last four years. They have very real fears for their futures.
Aside from not getting to go to prom or cheer on his team at the Homecoming
football game or walk across the stage at graduation – silly things I mourn
every day – my eighteen-year-old son is afraid of being a victim of random gun violence. He is afraid that there will be no jobs for his generation when he
graduates college. He fears living in a white nationalist dictatorship. He is
terrified that global warming will destroy the world i<b>n his lifetime</b>.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">What do I
tell him? What can I say to ease his very real fears? I think of myself way
back when I was eighteen years old and realize that I did not have a care in
the world. I took our Democracy and our standing in the world for granted. I was
under the assumption that my country worked for me. And as a white,
middle-class, college-educated young woman, it mostly did. As I have grown
older, however, my eyes have been opened to the fact that this country does not
work for everyone. It does not value everyone in the same way. And in the last
four years, it has come to value fewer and fewer of us. Certainly not people of
color. Not Jews. Not Muslims. Not women. Not immigrants. Not LGBTQ people. What
message are we sending to our children? What are they learning about their
value? Their potential?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I know I am
preaching to the choir. I realize you understand all of this and much more. I guess
the reason I am writing to you is because I am grieving <i>everything</i> these
days. I am hurting. <i>We</i> are hurting. And I want someone to know about it.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">We need help.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I am writing
to you to beg for that help. Over the course of the last year, Americans have
received $600 from our government. Six. Hundred. Dollars. That is insulting and
laughable. Six hundred dollars will not make one mortgage payment or pay one
month’s rent for most Americans. Six hundred dollars will not feed our
families. It will not clothe our kids. It will not pay for college. It will not
pay our medical bills if we, heaven forbid, end up being one of the millions of
Americans who have contracted COVID. It will not save us from having our cars
repossessed. Our home foreclosed on. It will not satisfy credit card companies.
It will certainly not stimulate the economy. Does our government actually think
we are going to go on a spending spree when we are seven months behind on our
mortgage? It’s a token. Nothing more. A token of our government’s antipathy
toward its own people.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">We need you
and Joe to act. Right now. <i>Decisively.</i> Without Republican support, if
necessary. If America – and even more importantly,<i> Americans</i> – are to
recover, we need help from our government. I implore you to act. I beg you to
act.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I believe
you have faith in the American people, and <i>I have faith in you</i>. I look
forward to seeing how you will make this country a better place. I know you and
Joe are working hard to do just that. I am just imploring you to also work
quickly. We need help. We need you.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Sincerely,</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Shannon
Ralph</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><o:p></o:p></p>Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-78172779252058924382021-01-27T10:37:00.005-06:002021-01-27T11:25:53.704-06:00A New Leaf<p><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rK7tyIcbhz0/YBGYwWUVNbI/AAAAAAAADas/xwAdnNGg3ysF9c4uPNz4LzKvdAGOy2SNwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1024/Leaf_1.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rK7tyIcbhz0/YBGYwWUVNbI/AAAAAAAADas/xwAdnNGg3ysF9c4uPNz4LzKvdAGOy2SNwCLcBGAsYHQ/w400-h300/Leaf_1.jpg" width="400" /></a></span></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Hello
strangers.</span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: arial;">It’s been a
very, very long time since I wrote in this blog. It started out years and years
(and years!) ago to share funny stories and find solace as I cluelessly raised
my three rambunctious children. When marriage equality was being debated in
Minnesota, you may remember that this blog became a daily diatribe against faux
religious conservatism. Then when I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer in
2016, it morphed into an online group therapy session and a glimpse into the often-ugly
underbelly of cancer treatment. Writing
daily and honestly, sharing my struggles with you all, is still something I consider
instrumental in my survival during that tough time. After I recovered, I
briefly tried to turn this blog into a book review site since I read so many
books, but that did not pan out for me. Books are a purely visceral experience
for me, so writing about them felt almost sacrilegious. So, what’s a girl with
three independent teens and relative health to blog about now?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Fast forward
to 2021. It’s a strange new world and nothing that I could have ever envisioned
in my craziest imaginings. I mean – <i>right?</i> The world is pretty effed up right
now. Forget potty training and trying to provide adequate nutrition to children
who will allow nothing but Tyson chicken nuggets to grace their gullets. And forget
gay marriage (actually,<i> please</i> don’t forget gay marriage, but we’ve sort
of moved on, right?). Forget cancer and all its glitzy and glamorous trappings.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: arial;">We are all
pretty screwed right now.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Let’s just
be honest. 450,000 of us have died in the last year – with many more to follow
in the coming months. Our Narcissist-in Chief called the (Chinese) virus a hoax
perpetrated by a blood-sucking ring of Democratic child pornographers intent on
making him look bad. (See! Who could have ever imagined that sentence being
written four years ago??) People are losing their jobs. Their homes. Their dignity. Their minds. Our economy is in the shitter. Our kids can’t go to school. We can’t go to
work. We can’t visit friends. We can’t meet up for a <i>much-needed</i> drink. We
can’t even drown our sorrows in a volcanic cheese-oozing Jucy Lucy from Matt’s
bar where everything in the room – including you if you sit still long enough –
is coated in the most appetizing of decades-old grease. I mean, you can get a
burger to go I suppose, but the ambiance (perhaps for the best) is not the same
on my living room couch.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: arial;">And to top
it all off, 70 million of our fellow Americans voted for more of the same, and Donald
Trump (this is the last time his name will be mentioned in this blog) and his Republican
co-conspirators peddled daily lies about a free and fair election and
encouraged an armed mob to descend on Washington, DC with the intent of
storming the U.S. Capital and hanging/shooting/murdering the Vice President of
the United State and our elected officials in Congress.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: arial;">What the
actual fuck??</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: arial;">And, if
yesterday is any indication, nothing will come of it. Our big orange colostomy
bag of an ex-president will face no consequences for his crimes. Senate Republicans are making
sure of that. Hell, he can even run again in four years if he wants!</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I think all
of this may be why it’s been so long since I’ve blogged anything. With the constant,
daily outrages of the last four years, it’s been hard to wrap my mind around,
much less find the words for, the situation in which we find ourselves as a nation.
(That’s another phrase I never expected myself to be writing – “as a nation.” I
mean – how haughty am I?) Smarter people than me have written hundreds of
thousands of words on our current multiple crises. And I have found myself
weighted down by every single one. The cognitive toll has been too great. The
anger that boiled over into rage at the most inopportune of moments (my apologies
to anyone and everyone who has experienced firsthand the ire of my car horn these
past months). The sadness that dissolved into tears when I least expected it.
The melancholic wallowing I have perfected to the level of Ju-Jitsu master. I love writing about a silver lining but have had
an extremely difficult time finding any at all for the last four years.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Today, however,
I am recommitting myself to the silver lining. Today I am turning over a new
leaf. Hell, I might even bathe and put on grown-up clothes today
(don’t get excited – I said might)! So here are the TOP TEN positive
things I am choosing to focus on today instead of the sorry state of our affairs.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"></p><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;">1. The grown-ups are in charge once again in
Washington. Though 70 million Americans voted for the incumbent asshat, many,
many, </span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;">many</span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;"> more rejected him.</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><div><span style="font-family: arial;">2. In February of 2020, right before the pandemic
took hold in the U.S., Chipotle released their new Queso Blanco. And like God when
(s)he created the earth, they saw that it was good.</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><div><span style="font-family: arial;">3. The New
York Attorney General, the Manhattan District Attorney, and E. Jean Carrol’s
attorney in the defamation lawsuit are not beholden to Republicans in Congress,
so he may get what’s coming to him in some form or another. Fingers crossed!</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">4. President Biden (this is probably the first of
many times his name will be mentioned in this blog, as he is kind of my new straight,
geriatric, grandpappy crush) rejoined the Paris Climate Agreement and the World
Health Organization. Now when I jet-set around the world, I won’t feel like such
a backwoods hillbilly. (Okay, so I realize that I </span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;"><i>am</i> </span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;">a backwoods
hillbilly by definition, but Grandpappy Biden makes me feel like a Parisian
runway model – yeah, or…ummm…</span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;"><i>something</i></span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;"><i> </i>like that.)</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">5. Joe Biden is not a homophobic, narcissistic, racist,
serial rapist. So…there’s that.</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">6. My son has, so far, been accepted to all the
colleges he has applied to. We are still waiting to hear from Grinnell College
and Carleton College, but he has been accepted to Gustavus Adolphus, University
of MN – Duluth, University of MN – Twin Cities, St Olaf, and the University of Wisconsin
– Madison. He has received a significant scholarship to most of these schools, so
I am an unabashedly beaming momma these days. (I still feel weird bragging
about my children. I think it might have to do with 12 years of Catholic
school. I feel like I should maybe be yelling at them about the myriad reasons
they will be going to hell. But I’m going against instinct here, and publicly praising
them instead. We’ll see how it goes…)</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">7. I must mention my girl crushes, Kamala Harris, Dr.
Jill Biden, Stacy Abrams, and Janet Yellen! (Okay, that last one is</span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;"> <i>less</i></span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;"><i>
</i>of a crush and </span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;"><i>more</i></span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;"> of a healthy respect). First female Vice President! (Woot!)
First First Lady who is both a doctor and a teacher and will have a career
outside of the White House! The woman who saved us all and turned Georgia BLUE!
And our first Female Treasury Secretary!</span></div><div><div style="text-indent: -24px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;">8. The Minneapolis Public Library system is a Godsend in times of crisis. As you probably know, my daughter and I are voracious readers. Ruanita, on the other hand, promised herself when she finished graduate school that she would never crack a book again. For the most part, she has maintained that promise over the years. COVID-19, and the soul-crushing, all-encompassing boredom it has rendered, has forced her to reconsider her previous declaration. She actually started reading in the second half of 2020. She now reads ALL THE TIME. It’s almost annoying. (Seriously – have I been </span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;"><i>that completely nonresponsive</i></span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;"> with a book in my hand all these years??) She is now outpacing me for the number of books read in any given month. And I’ve read seven so far in January! We haven’t reached the point where we can talk about books yet because our genres are entirely different. She likes light, escapist lesbian romances. I like tragic literary dramas with fucked-up characters that rip your heart out, throw it on the dismal worm-covered pavement after a rainstorm, and dance a jig of shame and degradation on it. You know…happy stuff. Books are my drug of choice. And the Minneapolis Public Library is a most </span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;">excellent</span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;"> dealer!</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">9. There are dogs in the White House again. And we
all know that if a dog loves you, you can’t be a homophobic, narcissistic, racist,
serial rapist. (Okay, so I am being told that statement may not be entirely </span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;"><i>technically
</i></span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;">correct, but my point stands. Dogs in the White House are a good sign of
actual, authentic, fully formed human beings in the White House.)</span><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">10. And finally, speaking of dogs, after two failed attempts to adopt puppies (we
quickly discovered that puppy energy is </span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;">entirely </span><span style="font-family: arial; text-indent: -0.25in;">too much for our
laid-back, bordering on comatose, family dynamic), we will be welcoming a new
family member to our lazy fold on Friday. Meet Bleu!</span><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EktFsiGQ3KU/YBGVS3Wwt7I/AAAAAAAADaQ/Dz4AHaTJn64BQn6Em5GO7sah3HzMc7GhQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1586/Bleu_1.jpg"><img border="0" data-original-height="1586" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EktFsiGQ3KU/YBGVS3Wwt7I/AAAAAAAADaQ/Dz4AHaTJn64BQn6Em5GO7sah3HzMc7GhQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Bleu_1.jpg" /></a></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6o9XoatHFy0/YBGXHSWHYMI/AAAAAAAADac/CFs2a-553owoqVWRYvTrE10ni7QgJsMPgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1620/Bleu_2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1620" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6o9XoatHFy0/YBGXHSWHYMI/AAAAAAAADac/CFs2a-553owoqVWRYvTrE10ni7QgJsMPgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Bleu_2.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><span style="font-family: arial;">She is a 72-pound border collie/Bernese mountain dog cross (we think) that was rescued from a breeder. She recently weaned her last litter of puppies. She is just the sweetest, most gentle girl. She has the most soulful brown eyes that look straight into your psyche, as if she sees every questionable decision and regrettable choice you have ever made in your life, and is saying, “It’s okay, Shannon. You tried your best. No one is perfect, but I see you. I see you striving to be better. And I will always love you for it.” Yep. That’s the conversation I had with her eyes. Verbatim.</span><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /></blockquote><p></p><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><o:p></o:p></p></div></div>Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-40501716433170981342019-07-17T13:28:00.002-05:002019-07-17T14:01:25.430-05:00Why I Refuse to Go Along to Get Along<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iQ03Boe4BB4/XS9oAUR25II/AAAAAAAADDM/v_jF6HfIR942eM08gBYgKUq7NPT4QUaxwCLcBGAs/s1600/BLOG.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="416" height="306" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iQ03Boe4BB4/XS9oAUR25II/AAAAAAAADDM/v_jF6HfIR942eM08gBYgKUq7NPT4QUaxwCLcBGAs/s320/BLOG.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Yesterday,
my uncle posted this picture to Facebook. I did not immediately see it because,
contrary to popular belief, I have a job and do not spend every waking moment
on Facebook. My mother, however, has a lot of (too much?) free time on her
hands and immediately noticed her big brother’s post. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Activate:
Howler Monkey Mode.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Almost as
soon as my uncle posted this picture to Facebook, my mother called me in
full-on howler monkey mode. How dare he? How could he? What the fuck was he
thinking? (Okay, the “fuck” may have not been a direct quote, but I definitely
heard a fuck-y tone.) Needless to say, she was upset. And, like any loving
parent, she took to Facebook to defend her children. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
My mother
has three lesbian daughters. She is, by far, the most supportive parent any gay
girl could ever hope for. Seriously. She is a gay kid’s dream. Unfortunately, due
to her all-encompassing love and support for her gay children, living in small-town
Kentucky can be difficult for her at times. To say Owensboro is not the most
progressive town in the world is a gross understatement. I’m proud of where I
come from, but I left for a very real reason – as you will likely come to see
in the course of this ranty blog post. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
So I was not
surprised when my mother called me yesterday. Nor was I terribly upset at the
time. Hate speech is rampant on the internet, and haters are a dime a dozen.
Was I sad that this particular picture was posted by a family member? Sure. Was
I angry? Not right away. Honestly, I was busy. And I tend to dismiss my mother at
times as an over-reactor. It’s an unfair characterization, but we all have
pre-conceived notions about our parents that we re-think the older we get. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Then I read
my mom’s response to his post. And I swelled with pride. There was my mom,
smack dab in the middle of Trump country, calling out her own big brother for
his ignorant, hateful attack on LGBTQ people. His attack on her own children. I
knew this was not easy for her. I knew she would get grief for it. I knew she
would eventually be forced to apologize for shit-stirring, though she was
absolutely right in her response. I knew she would be pressured to go along to
get along. I knew all of these things intrinsically. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
My uncle knows
a few things, too. He knows very well that my mother has lesbian daughters. He
knows very well that his youngest sister has a gay son. He knows very well that
his brother has a transgender son. He knows very well that his own deceased
brother was gay and died of AIDS. He knows almost all of us LGBTQ family
members left Owensboro because it was not a place we could live a healthy,
happy life. He knows we were driven from our hometown because of the exact
attitudes this photo represents. He knows all of this, yet chose to post a
nasty, demeaning meme of Facebook. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
And for what
purpose? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
To hurt? To
belittle? To get a laugh? From whom?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I have to
believe he did not mean to hurt my mother’s feelings. I have to believe that he
did not mean to upset her to the point of activating her howler monkey mode. I
have to believe he did not expect the backlash he received. I want to believe
these things. But honestly, it doesn’t matter. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Words are
powerful.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Words have
consequences. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Regardless
of my uncle’s motive for posting such an ugly meme – and honestly, I can’t
fathom what it would be – it was hate speech. Plain and simple. My uncle called
me a perversion. On Facebook. In public. For all to see. My uncle’s hastily,
and probably mindlessly, shared post attacked me. It attacked my sisters. It
attacked my wife. It attacked my children. It was deplorable, and I will not
just “let it go.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
As you can
imagine, the post did not go over so well with my mother. Or with me
(eventually). A small Facebook feud ensued, with my uncle’s daughter and granddaughter
calling me self-righteous and telling me to get over myself. His wife implored my
mother and I to drop it for peace’s sake, arguing that it was a “difference of
opinion.” One of my aunts evoked my late grandmother, declared that we were
family, and asked that we all just get along. When a different uncle tried to
comment on the issue this morning, he was shut down saying that the discussion
happened yesterday and he had no right to stir the pot. My cousin texted me to
ask me why I bothered engaging my uncle’s daughter, and indicated that he had
to believe my uncle could change. My mother deleted her post.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
What. The.
Fuck.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
For the
record, we DO NOT have a difference of opinion. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> You aren't allowed to have an opinion on who I love. You are not allowed to have an opinion of my family's right to exist. You do not get to have an opinion on whether or not I am a beloved child of God. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Things that constitute a “difference of
opinion:”</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Waffles
versus pancakes (Waffles. Obviously.)</li>
<li>iPhone
versus Android (iPhone is trash.)</li>
<li>Chinese take-out
versus pizza (Asian food FTW! Always.)</li>
<li>Star Wars
versus Star Trek (Well, duh.)</li>
<li>Dogs versus
cats (Dogs. 100% dogs.)</li>
<li>Scrambled
versus sunny-side up (Depends on my mood.)</li>
<li>Crocs versus
adult shoes (No one over the age of 12 should wear Crocs!)</li>
<li>Pepsi versus
Coke (Diet Pepsi for life!)</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Things that DO NOT constitute a difference
of opinion:</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>“My niece is
a human being worthy of respect” versus “My niece is a perversion I can demean
on Facebook whenever I feel like it”</li>
</ul>
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Did anyone </span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><i>even see</i></b><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">
my uncle’s original photo? Does no one care that he personally attacked </span><i style="text-indent: -0.25in;">at least </i><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">five members of our family and
their spouses, parents, and children with his ignorant meme? We delete all evidence
of it and just ignore his ignorance? We just let him get away with it so we can
keep peace in the family? With our silence, we condone his comments?</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Maybe I went
too far calling my uncle a “Trump deplorable.” But I don’t think I did. This
was not the first hateful post of his I’ve felt compelled to address. He posted
hate speech against Muslims, and attacked my sister and her children when she
told him that their father is a Muslim from Morocco. (I seriously doubt he has ever even met a Muslim person.) He inferred that the
children in cages at the border deserve to be there until their parents “go
back where they came from.” (Hmmm…that phrase sounds vaguely familiar this
week.) He had the audacity to say to my mother, “I don’t mean to upset Shannon.
You know I love your girls.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Umm….yeah.
Okay.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
My family
would like me to go along to get along. They would like the self-righteous
Minnesotan to just shut up and take it. Be the bigger person, they say. But
that’s bullshit. Intolerance and hate and bigotry should NOT be ignored. That
is how it festers and grows. When we do not address hate speech head on and
make the speaker accountable, these ideas spread. It may seem insignificant in
the moment, but it grows exponentially. It balloons at a rate that is
unfathomable. One only needs to look at how our country has changed in two and a
half short years to realize this is an absolute truth. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Intolerance
begets intolerance. Hate begets hate. When we allow someone to paint another human
being as an “other” as my uncle’s ridiculous (and honestly, juvenile) meme did,
it is easier to dehumanize that person. It is not a huge leap. It is a natural
progression from dehumanizing words to dehumanizing actions. By attacking
LGBTQ people (or Muslims, or immigrants, or brown people, or women), we set up
a them versus us dynamic. They are not like us. They are different. They don’t
deserve the respect we deserve because they do not look like us. Or sound like
us. Or think like us. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Or love like
us. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
It is easier
to turn our backs to injustice because it only affects “them” and not “us.” It becomes
easier to refuse to bake a cake for a gay couple. It becomes easier to verbally
abuse women in headscarves on city buses. It becomes easier to attack
transgender children for their choice of bathroom. It becomes easier to say
that a dead trans woman deserved it. It becomes easier to shoot first and ask
questions later when a person has brown skin. It becomes easier to keep
minorities “in their place” with policies that reward the greedy and victimize
the poor. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It becomes easier to accuse
people who disagree with us of being un-American. And it becomes <i>extraordinarily
</i>easier to put little kids in cages.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Because they
are not one of us. They are different. Strange. Unacceptable. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Perversions,
even.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Do I think
my uncle was thinking of me (or my sisters, or my cousins) when he posted this
meme? No. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I think he meant to call me
out personally? No. Do I think it matters? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Absolutely not. <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I’m not
going to just go along to get along. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
will not apologize. I will not keep the peace. I will not be a “them” to
your “us.” I will not make anyone else a them. When I face my creator one day,
she is going to know that I was not perfect, but I was not complicit either. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Call me
self-righteous again. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Please. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br /></div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-68288570655099615642018-11-25T16:35:00.001-06:002018-11-25T16:35:08.592-06:00The Struggle<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZAtdcZtA5KI/W_sjh2Dd_0I/AAAAAAAAC_I/yG82lfrGVsIZYfVxol3K6TPKTx01AqYJwCLcBGAs/s1600/struggle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="330" data-original-width="1600" height="81" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZAtdcZtA5KI/W_sjh2Dd_0I/AAAAAAAAC_I/yG82lfrGVsIZYfVxol3K6TPKTx01AqYJwCLcBGAs/s400/struggle.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
It's hard to admit when you are struggling. It's hard to admit when things get hard. When the path you are walking suddenly veers sharply to the left. Through a dark wood. With overhung branches blocking out the warm rays of the sun. And crows.<br />
<br />
(God, there are a lot of crows in my forest!)<br />
<br />
I've always used this blog as a sort of therapy. First to talk about the struggles and joys of raising three young kids. Then to advocate for LGBT rights generally, and to discuss my gay marriage specifically. Then later to process my breast cancer diagnosis and treatment. Through the years, I have used this blog to entertain. To laugh with my friends. To commiserate. To find the silver lining in my notably normal life.<br />
<br />
What I've never used this blog to do is to ask for help. I'm going to remedy that situation right now.<br />
<br />
I don't need to tell anyone who has been affected by cancer - and way too many of my friends have been - that it is tough. It is difficult emotionally. Financially. Physically. It affects every relationship in your life. It depletes your spouse. It worries your children. It drains your parents. Some friends disappear. Others circle the wagons. The love and support is both sincerely appreciated and mildly suffocating.<br />
<br />
While you are undergoing active treatment for cancer, people ask how you are doing. Often. Friends of your parents (who you have never met) tell you they are praying for you every week (in churches you've never attended). Your aunts send you cards. And blankets. And funny wigs. Your friends stop by with food. You are the center of attention in a way that makes you uncomfortable. You want nothing more in the world than to finish your treatment and get back to normal.<br />
<br />
What no one tells you - or perhaps they try to tell you but you refuse to believe - is that your old normal no longer exists. There is no going back there because it has vanished. Gone. AWOL. Finished. You can search and search, but you're not going to find it. <br />
<br />
But that's not all. Not only is your normal gone.<br />
<br />
So are you.<br />
<br />
The you that existed for forty-four years - the only you you've ever known is your entire life - is also gone. The you that was comfortable in her own skin. The you who was finally becoming confident in her own thoughts and words. The you who enjoyed a hard-scrabbled self-reliance and the fruits of an uphill battle for resiliency. She's gone.<br />
<br />
Gone is the body that you knew inside and out. From the straight, oily hair on the top of her head down to the scar on the side of her left foot she procured when her sister pushed her down one day playing in the flood waters at the bottom of Holly Avenue. You knew her intimately. You knew her strengths and weaknesses. You didn't always like her, but you knew what to expect from her.<br />
<br />
Yeah, that chick? She left the building.<br />
<br />
She's been replaced with a person you do not know. A woman you probably would not befriend if you met her on the street. She's uncertain. She's timid. She suffers from cognitive deficits resulting from the powerful chemo she received that causes her to get confused sometimes. To say the wrong word. To call an item the wrong thing. To drive all the way across town with no memory whatsoever of driving there. As a result, she doubts her thoughts. She doubts her words. She doubts her intelligence - something she always took for granted. She was never the prettiest girl in the room, but dammit, she was smart. She was capable.<br />
<br />
Now she is not sure who or what she is. Who or what she is supposed to be.<br />
<br />
Ruanita tells me that I'm not the same person I was before. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond to that information. That woman is gone. She didn't leave a forwarding address. The me that remains is the only me I have left.<br />
<br />
I often wonder if she's enough.<br />
<br />
I realize that I am whining. This fact is not lost on me. As a matter of fact, I carry around a hefty little bit of guilt over this. How am I able to whine about all of this...<i>shit</i>...when so many women aren't here to complain? Aren't here to hug their children or kiss their spouses? How can I not be grateful for this second chance I've been given? How can I complain about what I've been through when so many families have been through the same with worse outcomes than mine?<br />
<br />
I realize that I am one of the incredibly lucky ones. My story could have very, <i>very </i>easily gone the other way. December 30th will be the two-year anniversary of the end of my active treatment. That was my last day of radiation. I know that many (way TOO many) women do not get to celebrate a 2-year anniversary. So I do appreciate how very lucky I am. And I want to take my second chance and make it into something worthy of the good luck and love I have in my life. This is what I want more than anything, but here's the thing: I have NO idea how to get there.<br />
<br />
Because my cancer was stage 3, was quite large, and affected all three levels of my axillary lymph nodes, I received chemotherapy first in an attempt to shrink the tumor and prevent any spreading prior to surgery. This is called neoadjuvant chemotherapy. The goal was to be as aggressive as possible. After I finished chemotherapy, I had a double mastectomy. Following my surgery, the pathology report was not great news. I had 28 lymph nodes removed during surgery. Of those, 14 were still found to be cancerous. Following surgery, I had radiation to the area, with the hope that it would eliminate any remaining cancer.<br />
<br />
Today I am healthy and cancer free, but I am obsessed with those 14 lymph nodes. Cancer was still there after all that I endured during chemotherapy. It was still there. And I can't help but think that it had to go...<i>somewhere</i>. Nothing truly disappears. It's hard not to imagine microscopic cancer particles making their way into my liver. Or my bones. Or my brain.<br />
<br />
When one thinks this way, every twitch becomes a death sentence. Every normal ache and pain of being 46 years old becomes an inevitable recurrence of cancer. Every day becomes THE DAY. The day the other shoe will most certainly drop. The day those 14 lymph nodes decide to rear their ugly heads once more. Its exhausting being so self-absorbed. Being so self-aware. It's obnoxious and selfish and makes me an incredibly uninteresting person to be around. I know all of this, but I can't seem to get out of my own head. <br />
<br />
This is my struggle.<br />
<br />
I've begun seeing a therapist, but I think her sole purpose in life is to make me snot and blubber for 50 minutes straight. I leave her office with a pounding headache every time. I don't know how effective therapy will be at easing my mind or helping me to move past these circumstances, but I have promised myself I would keep an open mind. In the meantime, I am taking it day by day. <br />
<br />
So here is my request.<br />
<br />
Please be kind to one another. There are struggles you may know absolutely nothing about.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-26844820452000354032018-04-26T13:49:00.003-05:002018-04-26T17:56:15.996-05:00BOOK REVIEW: Children of Blood and Bone (Legacy of Orϊsha #1) by Tomi Adeyemi<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">You may have heard of this book. It has
been heralded as the next Harry Potter. Adeyemi, a 23-year-old Nigerian-American
first-time author and newcomer to the world of YA literature, received a seven-figure
book advance and a movie deal for her debut fantasy novel – the first in a
proposed trilogy. You may think to yourself, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Seven figures? Could this book </i>possibly <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">be worth seven figures??</i> I am here to answer that question with a
resounding “Yes!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Children
of Blood and Bone</span></i><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> follows the story of Zélie Adebola, a
strong, fearless young woman living in </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Orϊsha<span style="color: #181818; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> under the rule of a ruthless king. It is also the story of seemingly-docile
Princess Amari who doubts her own inner strength and ability. And Amari’s
brother, Prince Inan, who feels bound to family honor and duty to country. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">The kingdom
of Orϊsha used to hum with magic until King Saran ruthlessly destroyed it.
Under his order, <span style="color: #222222;">access to magic is cut off and the
kingdom is purged of all the adult maji, leaving their children completely disempowered.
Often referred to as “maggots,” their language and rituals are outlawed and
those who have the potential to manifest magic—marked by their snow-white white
hair and darker skin—are abused or enslaved. </span></span><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">The Raid, as the purge of maji has come to be known, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">left <span style="color: #181818; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Zélie</span> without her
beloved mother, who was hung from a tree in a fashion reminiscent of lynchings
in the American south. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><br />
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<span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Zélie</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">’s sense of loss and longing is
palpable in Adeyemi’s writing, and will feel familiar to anyone who has lost a
loved one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">I try
not to think of her. But when I do, I think of rice. When Mama was around, the
hut always smelled of jollof rice. I think about the way her dark skin glowed
like the summer sun, the way her smile made Baba come alive. The way her white
hair fuzzed and coiled, an untamed crown that breathed and thrived. I hear the
myths that she would tell me at night. Tzain's laughter when they played agbon
in the park. Baba's cries as the soldiers wrapped a chain around her neck. Her
screams as they dragged her into the dark. The incantations that spewed from
her mouth like lava. The magic of death that led her astray. I think about the
way her corpse hung from that tree. I think about the king that took her away.</span></i><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
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<span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"></span> </div>
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<span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">At the beginning of the book, Zélie stumbles upon a mystical
artifact that may have the power to bring magic back. She has one shot – one chance
in 100 years – and she is determined to strike out against King Saran and
return magic to her oppressed people. With the help of her overprotective non-magical
brother, Tzain, and a rogue princess, Amari – and on the run from a conflicted and
dangerous Prince Inan, determined to earn the affection and respect of his cold-hearted
father – she leaves home and begins a 500+-page adventure that kept me riveted
from beginning to end. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">This book is good. Really good,
actually. It is well-written. The characters are great. It is fun. It is
exciting. But beyond all of that, this book is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">important, a</i>nd I’ll tell you why. Though <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">every single</i> character in the book is a person of color, I found
myself imagining some of the characters as white people. The book is clearly set
in an African-like imagined world and relies heavily on African terms and
African myths. The characters even speak Yoruba, a real language spoken by the
Yoruba people of Nigeria. Despite descriptions of clearly dark-skinned people,
my brain still white-washed them. I’m not proud of this. I don’t like that I
did this. I find it extremely distasteful, but my brain transposed white features
onto people of color, nonetheless. And I think the reason I did this is because
the books we read and the television we watch and the movies we view are all
targeted toward a white-centric audience. It is ingrained in us from an early age that the heroes are white. (Black Panther<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>aside [which was a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">phenomenal</i>
movie!], the new highly-hyped Marvel movie coming out this weekend is pretty
dang white – and a little green if you count the Hulk.) Sure, you can argue
that the media we digest today is much more diverse than it used to be – and that’s
true – but we still have a long, loooooong way to go. And books like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Children of Blood and Bone</i> need to be
published and consumed and enjoyed by all of us.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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</span><br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Children
of Blood and Bone</span></i><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> is a love story to African culture
and people of color. The characters, despite being oppressed and denigrated
their entire lives, are strong and resilient. Zélie and Amari, in particular,
are stunning young women of extreme talent and ability. Both women start the
book doubting themselves – unsure of who and what they are – and the reader
watches them grow and mature and become forces with which to be reckoned. They
take back dominion over their bodies and their futures. They become bad-ass women
who change the world! Now that’s something I can definitely get behind!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PPNpa0SLmsI/WuIfBl6LIII/AAAAAAAAC5M/dErGsFpGlMIvQZUZH78dMiww8rtaKhA2wCLcBGAs/s1600/Tomi.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PPNpa0SLmsI/WuIfBl6LIII/AAAAAAAAC5M/dErGsFpGlMIvQZUZH78dMiww8rtaKhA2wCLcBGAs/s1600/Tomi.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">In the author’s notes at the end of
the book, Adeyemi says that this book was written at a time when “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I kept turning on the news and seeing
stories of unarmed black men, women, and children being shot by the police. I
felt afraid and angry and helpless, but this book was the one thing that made
me feel like I could do something about it</i>.” She goes on to mention Jordan
Edwards and Tamir Rice. Aiyana Stanley-Jones. Philando Castille. She ends her
notes with the following call to action:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">“We
are all children of blood and bone.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">And
just like </span></i><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Zélie<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> and Amari, we have the power to change the evils of the world. <o:p></o:p></i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">We’ve
been knocked down for far too long. <o:p></o:p></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Now
let’s rise.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></span><br />
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</span><br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Children
and Blood and Bone</span></i><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> is a story about love. It is a family
saga. A war story. An exciting adventure. A magical romp. A coming of age tale.
A “BLACK LIVES MATTER-inspired fantasy novel.” The book seamlessly weaves West African
mythology and spirituality with a newly created world that somehow manages to
feel familiar to this Midwestern white chick. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Children
of Blood and Bone</span></i><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> is a call to action. One that you can’t
help but feel compelled to answer. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
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<span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">And what about that stunning cover??<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"></span> </div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-79618891746064054252018-04-16T16:20:00.000-05:002018-04-16T16:31:10.861-05:00Circe by Madeline Miller<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">When I
was born, the name for what I was did not exist.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
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<span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">So begins the story of Circe, eldest and
least favorite daughter of Helios, sun god and the mightiest of the Titans. Not
pretty enough. Not clever enough. Unloved by both her powerful father and her
alluring mother, Circe must find her own way in an unforgiving world. <i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
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<span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Early in the book, Circe discovers
that she has the power of witchcraft. One tragic act of love, followed by an ill-conceived
act of jealousy that will haunt her throughout the book leads Zeus to banish Circe
to the deserted island of Aiaia, threatened by her growing skills. There she
hones her craft and comes in contact with some of the most famous names in mythology
– Daedalus and his son Icarus, Medea, the Minotaur, Odysseus and Penelope,
Hermes, and the powerful Athena. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Her
desire to protect what she loves the most leads to a final show-down with
Athena. Circe must come to terms with her own power as a woman and as a god and
decide, once and for all, where her loyalties lie. I’ll give you a hint.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">You threw me to the
crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you.</span></i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">This
was a fabulous book. I enjoyed Madeline Miller’s previous book, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Song of Achilles</i>, but <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Circe</i> won me over 100%. Perhaps it was
because it was such a personal story – one woman’s journey – that it resonated
with me so completely. We see Circe develop from an unsure, awkward, daddy-worshipping
nymph to a strong, resilient, powerful witch. She is not perfect. She makes
mistakes. But she rises above her shortcomings and embraces her power as a
woman and as a witch. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">It is a common saying
that women are delicate creatures—flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed
in a moment’s carelessness. If I had ever believed it, I no longer did.</span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">You do
not have to be a lover of mythology to enjoy this book. The writing is stunning
and there are so many quotable lines that I am in awe of Miller. For being a
story about an immortal being, it is incredibly relatable. Circe’s is not a
happy story – this is Greek tragedy, after all. You know when she is exiled to
Aiaia that her life is not going to be an easy one. You want her to find love,
to find happiness. But instead, she is dealt heartache after heartache. But it’s
in that heartache that you see her character really develop. And watching her
deal with adversity is what makes her story so very relatable – despite being a
god. Despite being immortal. Despite being a witch. At heart, she is a woman
who has been beaten down time and again by powerful men and a world order that values
brute force over intelligence. That values beauty over strength. That values
men over women. I don’t know a woman anywhere who could not relate to Circe’s
struggles. To the unfairness of the cards she is dealt. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">“It is not fair,” I
said. “I cannot bear it.”<br />
“Those are two different things,” my grandmother said.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">But bear it, she does. The unfairness and
everything else life throws at her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">I loved the relationships within the book, the best
of which is the relationship between Circe and her son. Motherhood is described
so perfectly in this book. It is not all happiness and light. Like all
first-time mothers, Circe is ill-prepared for the truth of motherhood. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
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<i><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">I did
not go easy to motherhood. I faced it as soldiers face their enemies, girded
and braced, sword up against the coming blows. Yet all my preparations were not
enough.</span></i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Circe’s son is not an easy child. He screams
incessantly. He never sits still. Though she is a god, he exhausts her to the
depth and breadth of her being. No matter how ill-equipped she was for
motherhood, however, the love Circe feels for her son is all-encompassing and
something to which most parents can relate. The ferocity she feels as a mother
was so intense that she thought it would surely be her undoing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">I would look at him
and feel a love so sharp it seemed my flesh lay open. I made a list of all the
things I would do for him. Scald off my skin. Tear out my eyes. Walk my feet to
bones, if only he would be happy and well.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">He was not happy. A
moment, I thought, I only need one moment without his damp rage in my
arms. But there was none. He hated sun. He hated wind. He hated baths. He hated
to be clothed, to be naked, to lie on his belly, and his back. He hated this
great world and everything in it, and me, so it seemed, most of all.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Have you ever heard a more eloquent description of
the ferocious love and drowning uncertainty of parenthood? Miller described it perfectly. Remember that old saying about having your heart forever
walking around outside your body? Circe got it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<em><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">My madness in those
days rose from a new certainty: that at last, I had met the thing the gods
could use against me. <o:p></o:p></span></em></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">At its heart, Circe is a re-telling of classic
mythology with a feminist slant. All of the characters – but particularly the
female characters – are fully realized and perfectly written. There is love and
madness and murder and mystery and mayhem and dysfunctional families galore,
but ultimately, it is the story of one woman claiming agency in a world that
has underestimated her from the beginning. <i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Pretty cool, huh? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Go read it. Now. You will not regret it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span></div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-5443347189755210742018-04-11T13:14:00.001-05:002018-04-11T13:55:50.164-05:00Stumbling Around in the Fog<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-naWkMT4phMw/Ws5QVP1ssxI/AAAAAAAAC2U/fH5oDGqIcKAH-sFeOUHEd2rQAiCvpltXQCLcBGAs/s1600/Dr_-Jekyll-and-Mr_-Hyde-%25281941%2529---Spencer-Tracy-766431.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="234" data-original-width="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-naWkMT4phMw/Ws5QVP1ssxI/AAAAAAAAC2U/fH5oDGqIcKAH-sFeOUHEd2rQAiCvpltXQCLcBGAs/s1600/Dr_-Jekyll-and-Mr_-Hyde-%25281941%2529---Spencer-Tracy-766431.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As of this writing, my last chemotherapy treatment was 20 months ago,
but I am still finding myself heavily entrenched in the “chemo fog.” Though the
term brings to mind cobblestoned alleyways in Victorian England filled with
visibility-cloaking vapor and top-hatted gentlemen lurking in the shadows (that’s
how everyone pictures fog, right?), the real deal is much less romantic. Much
less mysterious. </span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Mayo Clinic defines chemo fog as: <span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">A</span></span><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> common
term used by cancer survivors to describe thinking and memory problems that can
occur after cancer treatment. <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Chemo fog</span>
can also be called <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">chemo brain</span>, <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">chemotherapy</span>-related cognitive
impairment or cognitive dysfunction.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Sounds
delightful, huh? </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">During
chemo, I spent so much time asleep on my couch, that the fog was not an issue.
Then I had a bilateral mastectomy, and the all-encompassing pain of recovery trumped
any cognitive concerns. Surgery was followed up by radiation, which again made the
fog feel like nothing more than a mosquito bite on a burn victim. Then I had a
second surgery to remove my ovaries. Again, I didn’t give a single passing thought
to my thoughts. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But
now that I am all done? Now that I am cancer-free and adapting to my new normal?
The cognitive issues loom large in my mind. Literally <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> figuratively. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">S<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">o
what type of issues am I having, you ask? </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I
forget things. I sometimes forget things Ruanita says to me almost as soon as
she says them. I forget to do things I tell the kids I am going to do, to their
great disappointment. For the first time ever in my life, words are hard. I
often find myself, in the middle of a conversation, saying a completely wrong
word that has nothing to do with what I am saying. I think it is the right word
– until it comes out of my mouth followed by an exclamation of, “What the
hell?!” (Okay, full disclosure. Sometimes it’s, “What the fuck?!”) Or I can’t
think of a common word at all. I will be in the middle of talking and will stumble
over my words. I’ll have to ask, “Ruanita, what is the word I’m trying to think
of?” Usually she knows. Twenty years of marriage has that effect. I also have
trouble multitasking. If my attention is focused on one thing (reading a book,
typing on my laptop), I cannot have a conversation. I can’t focus on more than
one thing at a time. Driving is sometimes tough. If I am driving and talking to
someone in the car at the same time, I tend to get rattled. Drive through stop
signs. Stop in the middle of the street. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not notice when the light turns to green. I get
honked at a lot these days – I have no idea why. I let Ruanita drive more often
lately when we are together, which is a huge concession on my part as I have
always been the driver in our house and, frankly, Ruanita’s driving scares the
holy shit out of me a tiny bit.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For
someone who has always prided herself on her intellect, independence, and crafty
turn of phrase, I am feeling particularly DUMB and USELESS lately. If my mind
was intact, I could better deal with the changes in my body. But with the
cognitive issues I’ve been having, it’s easy to feel like my body has forsaken
me in Every. Single. Way. And. Means. Possible. (Geez – dramatic much,
Shannon?)</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Fear
not, however. I have SCIENCE!</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I
just qualified to participate in my 4<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">th</span></sup> clinical study. This one is
being sponsored by Wake Forest University and is looking at ways to treat the
chemo fog in breast cancer survivors who are experiencing cognitive deficiencies
as a result of the strong chemo drugs they use for breast cancer treatment. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I
wasn’t sure I would meet the requirements, as I have tried to play off the
cognitive issues as “not that bad” or “not too serious.” However, when my
doctor recommended the study, I decided to at least see if I would meet the
requirements. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The
assessment consisted of a very simple cognitive test. The study nurse read a
list of 12 unrelated words. I was supposed to listen and then immediately
repeat back as many words as I could remember. The cut-off to participate in
the study was being able to repeat seven or fewer words from the list. Piece of
cake! I focused intently – excited to prove to myself that I was still sharp. That
I was still smart. That I was still me. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As
the nurse read the words, I repeated them in my head. When she finished, I
immediately repeated back the first four words from the list. Then I paused,
wracking my brain to come up with the next word. I knew the 12<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">th</span></sup>
word because it was the last word she had said and was the freshest in my
memory. I sat and stared at her. I chuckled nervously. I thought and thought
and thought some more. Nothing. In the end, I could come up with nothing more
than the first four words and the last word – five in total. FIVE. Well below
the seven-word cut-off. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Fuck.
Me. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(Did
I ever mention that cathartic cursing is a byproduct of cancer survivorship?)</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I
qualified. I am now officially a registered participant in Clinical Trial
WFU97116 – A Phase 3 Placebo Controlled Clinical Trial of Donepezil in
Chemotherapy Exposed Breast Cancer Survivors with Cognitive Impairment. What is
Donepezil? It’s the drug used to treat….wait for it…this is exciting…Alzheimer’s
Disease!</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I
am actually excited about the prospects of:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<ol style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">
</span>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">
<span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Finding
some possible relief to my symptoms</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></li>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">
</span>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Being able
to once again pull appropriate words from the dark and dusty recesses of my
mind rather than uttering the brilliant, “Ummm…uh…ummm” </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></li>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">
</span>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Contributing
to science in some sort of meaningful way that may help the women who come
after me</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></li>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">
</span></ol>
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It’s
a double blind study, so neither I nor my doctor will know if I am getting
Donepezil or a placebo. I suspect I might know if I get the study drug simply
based on the side effects – nausea, possible vomiting, and diarrhea (tapering
off as the body adjusts to the medication). I have a sensitive stomach, so if
there are stomach-related side effects even in the itsy bitsy teeny tiny microscopic
print, I will likely experience them. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I
pick up the drug tomorrow and start it immediately. If I receive Donepezil and
not the placebo, I fully suspect that I will be asked to join MENSA when it is
all said and done. I expect to suddenly have a freakishly complete
understanding of organic chemistry. And the words flowing forth from my lips
will awe the likes of Zadie Smith and Ann Patchett.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">On
the off chance that I do not become a raging intellectual, I have started
reading more and exercising as both are said to help with cognitive deficiencies.
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span class="y0nh2b"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You
know, just in case.</span> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"></span> </div>
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Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-5023084897936494412018-04-09T09:47:00.000-05:002018-04-09T20:29:55.749-05:00Sometimes I Lie by Alice Feeney<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;">My name is Amber Reynolds. There are three things you should know about me:</span></i><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><br /><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">1. I’m in a coma.</span></i><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> </span><br /><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">2. My husband doesn’t love me anymore.</span></i><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> </span><br /><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">3. Sometimes I lie.</span></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I thought these opening lines were brilliant. What a great set-up to a story! Unfortunately, the rest of the book was much less brilliant. It tells the story of Amber Reynolds, and the chapters alternate between what she hears and thinks as she lies in a coma, the events of the week leading up to her being in a coma, and the diary entries of a young girl from the 1990s. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;">I wanted to love this – I had been looking forward to reading a well-written, tautly paced thriller. Unfortunately, I found this neither well-written not taut. <i>Sometimes I Lie </i>has tons of 5-star ratings on Goodreads, so I am obviously in the minority, but this book irritated me more than any book I’ve read in a long time. The plot was so convoluted and the degree to which I would have to suspend reality to enjoy the book was utterly ridiculous. Here are the things that bothered me the most:</span></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;">
<span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"></span><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The unreliable narrator. I really don’t mind an unreliable narrator when it is done well, but this felt more like a trick being played on the reader than a truly unreliable narrator. Feeney changed the character’s name in the end, which pissed me off because HOW is the reader expected to figure out the mystery (and trying to figure out the mystery is the joy of a good thriller) if the author doesn’t even give us the character’s real name?</span></span></span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">NONE of the characters were even remotely likeable.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Everyone in the book seemed to have a (fairly easily) diagnosable mental illness.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Stupid things were described in ridiculous detail.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The huge “twist” everyone is talking about was more of a twist, followed by an untwist, and then a retwist. It got ridiculous and completely unbelievable.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There is a gratuitously detailed (in my opinion) rape scene that is then just forgotten like it never happened.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There is a dude who has a tanning bed in his dank and dingy apartment for the sole purpose of meeting his demise in said tanning bed.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The ex-boyfriend is a caricature who ends up being too easily forgotten in the end. As a matter of fact, all of the supporting players are caricatures.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Storylines are abandoned – what ever happened to Amber thinking her husband was cheating on her with her sister??</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the opening lines, April says she lies, but when I finished the book I could not think of a single instance in which she lied. She hid things from people, maybe – well, just her husband – but she never really lied about anything. And that’s the NAME OF THE FREAKING BOOK!</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Also, Amber says her husband doesn’t love her anymore in the opening paragraph. I never got that sense and did not understand why Amber felt that way.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">An 11-year-old girl “lends” another 11-year-old girl her imaginary playmate, who the girl STILL HAS as an adult. And she talks to other adults about the imaginary playmate as if she is a real person.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The writing was simplistic. The grammar was questionable at times. Perhaps this has more to do with the genre (I gravitate more towards literary fiction than genre fiction), but it bothered me nonetheless.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Amber keeps hallucinating about a girl in a pink nightgown. I think the girl was meant to be her. But I am not entirely sure. Even after finishing the book. And that annoys me.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I had to Google the ending because I had NO IDEA what it meant. And all I found on the internet were a bunch of other people who had NO IDEA what the ending meant.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></li>
</ol>
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #181818; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The book did compel me to finish it – if nothing else, to get to this amazing plot twist everyone was raving about. It the end, however, the “twist” just seemed silly and the book missed on all marks for me. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
</div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-8512994003052307602018-04-09T09:39:00.001-05:002018-04-09T09:45:47.227-05:00Books, Glorious Books!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kG1MtMVlyyE/Wst8hNCeOGI/AAAAAAAAC14/zCjOJhJHxqkLNl1_ZQBr_dtbjpcGkRenQCLcBGAs/s1600/Books.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1172" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kG1MtMVlyyE/Wst8hNCeOGI/AAAAAAAAC14/zCjOJhJHxqkLNl1_ZQBr_dtbjpcGkRenQCLcBGAs/s320/Books.jpg" width="312" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Hello friends!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's been almost a year since I wrote in this blog. I am doing well for those of you looking for an update on my health. It's been a "process" getting back to normal. I am not there yet, but feverishly working on it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Through the years, I have used this blog for many different reasons. To keep in touch with family and friends who live far and wide. To share my experiences as a new mom. To illuminate my many and sundry failures in the parenting arena. As inexpensive group therapy. As a dieting tool. To rally for marriage equality. To rail against the political establishment. To share the highs and lows (and lets be honest, the lows greatly outnumbered the highs) of my cancer diagnosis and treatment. To keep friends informed of my struggle to regain my health. Through the years, this blog has served many purposes. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Today, I am adding a new purpose to that list. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">BOOK REVIEWS.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have been reading a LOT lately. More than I think I've ever read in my life. Some books have been great. Others have been total misses. I have been posting reviews on Goodreads, but it occurred to me that I have my very own platform right here to talk about one of my all-time favorite topics - Books!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am always on the search for a good book, and I love discussing books, so please feel free to read my reviews and comments with your own opinions. Book suggestions. Books to avoid. Tell me you love my taste in books. Tell me I am crazy. Tell me I wouldn't know good literature if it crawled up behind me and bit me on my ample ass. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Let's have a conversation.</span> </div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-89650562220237635802017-06-06T21:01:00.002-05:002017-06-06T21:48:32.466-05:00A Long-Awaited Cancercation<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Y5OS6j6iE8w/WTdf9kRiExI/AAAAAAAACwg/UUrS48yFd6MI5TgY8pui6qOCHBrGVn94wCLcB/s1600/Carolina%2BBeach.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1079" data-original-width="1600" height="268" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Y5OS6j6iE8w/WTdf9kRiExI/AAAAAAAACwg/UUrS48yFd6MI5TgY8pui6qOCHBrGVn94wCLcB/s400/Carolina%2BBeach.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ve
come to the unfortunate conclusion that cancer never ends. It lasts days and
weeks and months and years. Even decades. I thought 15 months into it that I
was nearing the end. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">I assumed by this point, I’ve pretty
much seen and done all there is to see and do in the arena of cancer carousal, and my treatment was
finally nearing its highly-anticipated demise.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Boy,
was I sadly mistaken.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Now
don’t go getting all worried on me. I’ve not had a recurrence of cancer. I am,
as far as I know, cancer free right now. That’s something that should be
celebrated. I should be embracing my new lease on life. Living it up. Getting
in touch with my inner wonder. Following my bliss. Blah…blah…yackety blah.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">That
is not to say that I would not like to be following my bliss. I would looooove
to follow my bliss right outta town right now. Unfortunately, it’s hard to
follow your bliss when she has yet to show her smug little face. I imagine my
bliss is soaking in the sun on some Caribbean beach or another. Or maybe she’s
sipping tea and happily perusing dusty old books in a tiny book store on a
rocky crag on the Scottish coast. Or probably more likely, she is cursing in
traffic on I-35W. Whether she is sunning or sipping or stewing, she’s
definitely not sitting at my kitchen table as I write this. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I
saw my oncologist yesterday and had to tell him that it’s been a rough couple
of weeks/months. I was feeling great following my radiation. My energy was
coming back, my neuropathy was clearing up. Even my chemo brain had finally
dissipated (somewhat) and my grasp of the English language was once again
returning. I was riding high on a wave of
this-shit-is-finally-coming-to-an-end. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Then
I starting hormone suppression therapy and everything went to hell in a pink
ribbon adorned handbasket. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I
started out taking Letrozole, an aromatase inhibitor. That stuff is NOT for the
faint of heart! Almost immediately, I began experiencing bone and joint pain
that became more intense as time went on. It was brutal. Suddenly, I was unable
to walk without a painful, pronounced limp. Rolling over in bed was
excruciating. I started missing work because it hurt, literally, to move at
all. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">After
holding back tears in my oncologist’s office, we made the tortuous decision to
switch from the slightly-more-effective Letrozole to the slightly-less-effective
Tamoxifen because it was not supposed to cause bone pain – or least not as
severe. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ve
been on Tamoxifen for about a month and a half now, and the pain is still
there. I walk around like a 100-year-old woman. Every step shoots pain from my
hip, down my thigh, to my knees. My feet ache constantly. I can’t sleep on my
back because my tailbone hurts, but I can’t sleep on my side because my hip
hurts. Sleeping on my stomach is completely off the table because with no boobs
to provide a counter balance, my stomach seems three times as big as it was
before. I would look like a freaking teeter-totter!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">So,
in short, switching to Tamoxifen did not help at all.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I
saw my oncologist yesterday and we came up with the following brilliant 4-point
plan:</span></div>
<br />
<ol style="text-align: left;">
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Stop
taking the Tamoxifen and the study drug (Palbociclib) completely for a 2-3
weeks.<span style="mso-list: Ignore;"></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">If
the pain goes away (fingers crossed), we confirm with 100% surety that my
symptoms are related to the meds. If not, we will explore the possibility of
other underlying medical conditions such as osteoarthritis. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Start
taking the meds again because I had 7 positive lymph nodes, so I really have no
fucking choice whatsoever if I want to remain alive and cancer free.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Develop
pain again.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span>
</li>
</ol>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Though the plans sounds ludicrous in its utter uselessness, it will (hopefully) give me a
break from the pain while I am on vacation with my family for the next few
weeks. If the pain goes away, it will rule out any other issues contributing to the pain. Once we determine that there is no underlying
medical condition to explore </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">(which I suspect will be the case)</span>, we will work on ways to deal with the
medication-related pain. These may include, but are not limited to, the following:</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span>
</div>
<br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Referral
to a pain clinic</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Physical
therapy</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Biofeedback</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Switching
my Celexa and Gabapentin to other drugs, such as Effexor and/or Lyrica</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Crying</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Curling
up in a fetal position in my bathtub and refusing to budge</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Eating
enough potato chips to nudge my BMI from morbidly obese to
oh-my-God-she’s-gonna-blow!</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">In
the meantime, I hope to be pain-free and frolicking on the beach next week. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Yeah,
I frolic.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It's not pretty. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
</div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-82636324358798671312017-05-24T20:13:00.004-05:002017-05-24T20:13:39.759-05:00Oh, for Fox Sake!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
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table.MsoNormalTable
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mso-para-margin-left:0in;
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<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GSf1AvehO5U/WSYu5Ujx5DI/AAAAAAAACv8/xNc7pNXiE8wvtICr97gNdasj879P_U-OACEw/s1600/Fox.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="700" data-original-width="600" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GSf1AvehO5U/WSYu5Ujx5DI/AAAAAAAACv8/xNc7pNXiE8wvtICr97gNdasj879P_U-OACEw/s320/Fox.png" width="274" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">So I’ve
had an interesting couple of weeks. As I’ve talked about previously in this
blog, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer almost exactly one year to the
day after I was diagnosed. It was caught early and she has had nothing but good
news about her treatment and prognosis, which has been wonderful and a huge
relief. I am thrilled for her, but I can’t say that her cancer is not affecting
me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">As a
dutiful daughter – and as someone who has already been down this road before –
I have been going with my mom to her doctor appointments. It’s been
interesting, to say the least. The conversations have gone a little like this:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Surgeon –</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Don’t worry, your pathology report is
nothing like Shannon’s report.” “Don’t worry, your chance of developing seromas
like Shannon did is very slim.” “Don’t worry, your cancer is much, much, MUCH
smaller than Shannon’s.”</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Oncologist –</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Don’t worry, your treatment plan is going
to be nothing like what Shannon went through.” “Don’t worry, you don’t need chemo
like Shannon did.” “Don’t worry, you won’t lose your hair like Shannon did.” “Don’t
worry, you may not have to take hormone-blocking medication like Shannon is
taking with a cancer as tiny as yours.”</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Radiation Doctor –</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Don’t worry, you shouldn’t have nearly as
rough a time as Shannon had.” “Don’t worry, you will only have to do three
weeks of radiation instead of six weeks like Shannon did.” “Don’t worry, we don’t
anticipate you having the burns and infections that Shannon experienced.” </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I am
beginning to think that I am a cancer over-achiever. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Leave
it to me to be a slacker in all areas of my life except this one. Education?
Never got around to enrolling in graduate school. Parenthood? I’m probably the
okayest parent you will ever meet. Relationship? Ruanita tolerates me (but she
may have low self-esteem). Morality? Questionable. Career? Meh. Ambition? Nah. Income?
Ha!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
one and only area of my life in which I am an over-achiever is on the cancer
front. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Stage
III cancer? Check. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Twenty
weeks of chemo? Check.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Debilitating
neuropathy? Check.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Chemo
brain? Check. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Double
mastectomy? Check.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Multiple
seromas? Check.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Ugly
pathology report (7 of 14 lymph nodes still positive after chemo)? Check.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Radiation
burns? Check.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Infected
skin? Check.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Bone
pain from aromatase inhibitor? Check.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Obsession
with those 7 positive lymph nodes? Check. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Total
conviction that the cancer will absolutely, definitely come back? Check. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">It’s
that conviction that it will come back that has been bothering me the most
lately. It’s probably because I’ve been going to my mother’s appointments with
her. I want to be there for her, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t
experiencing some mild PTSD-like tics as a result. While it has been nice to
see my surgeon and the radiation nurses again – I truly adore them all – the
constant reminder of just how bad I had it has been an interesting development.
Not many people get to RE-experience their whole cancer journey like I am, I would
think. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
reminder of how dire my situation is/was/almost was/might still be has been
tough. I’ve found myself obsessed with those seven tiny positive lymph nodes.
Seven tiny nodes. It’s amazing to me the level of anxiety they can provoke. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">For
the past two weeks, I have been maintaining an anxiety baseline somewhere
between a nun at a penguin shoot and a ceiling fan store owner with a
comb-over. It’s a low-level, constant sense of dread. But sometimes it can work
itself up into a tornadic whirlwind of doubt and fear and unease. I can be
sitting on a perfectly mundane conference call minding my own business and it will
suddenly take my breath away. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m
told it will get better with time. I’m told to focus on the positive. I’m told
to try to resume my normal life. Get exercise. Find a hobby. Read a good book. Embrace.
Your. Bliss. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Yada.
Yada. Effing yada. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
know what I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">need</i> to do. It’s just
that it’s hard to convert intellectual understanding (intellectually, I know
worrying will not reduce my odds of getting cancer again) to emotional solvency
(most days, I have the emotional stability of a hungry toddler three hours past
nap time). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">And
to make matters worse, today there is a new development. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I am
pretty sure I am developing lymphedema in my left arm. It’s the one
complication of cancer treatment I have not yet experienced. So, of course,
being the over-achiever I am... </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">It
hurts. It’s slightly swollen. It’s sore to the touch. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’ll
call the clinic in the morning. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
hear lymphedema sleeves are sexy. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-24065866399687027272017-05-09T20:20:00.000-05:002017-05-09T20:26:42.327-05:00Masochism or Machismo?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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table.MsoNormalTable
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mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
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</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/--uLizPs6vno/WRJqmWV9JKI/AAAAAAAACvg/27Mtj6UdmqUK9BNvSFABo9SeTmYevxnuACLcB/s1600/Mr%2BMiyagi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/--uLizPs6vno/WRJqmWV9JKI/AAAAAAAACvg/27Mtj6UdmqUK9BNvSFABo9SeTmYevxnuACLcB/s320/Mr%2BMiyagi.jpg" width="248" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
You guys are
big, fat, lying, poopy-head liars!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
When I use
the collective “you,” I am not referring to all of you. Or even most of you. But
some of you are definitely guilty of some major fibbing. If not outright lying,
you definitely misrepresented the facts. You know who you are. And I know where
you live. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Acupuncture is ahhhhhh-mazing!</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">OMG, you’ll love it soooooo much!</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You can’t even feel the needles.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It’s sooooooo relaxing. You will be amazed.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
So I went to
acupuncture this afternoon, and I am still waiting for the ahhhhhh-mazing to
kick in. It wasn’t horrible, per se. But I can’t really say that I enjoyed it. Honestly,
I am not entirely sure how I feel about it just yet. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
That said,
however, there’s a teensy tiny chance that my disillusionment may be more my
fault than yours. (Though I prefer to blame you.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
First and
foremost, I convinced myself that my acupuncturist would be Mr. Miyagi from
Karate Kid fame. This may be slightly racist – I’m not completely sure – but I
was looking forward to waxing on and waxing off. I mean, how cool would that
be? Mr. Miyagi poking me with sharp needles while whispering in my ear, “First
learn stand, then learn fly. Nature rule Daniel son, not mine.” My name’s not
Daniel, but I could be convinced to answer to Dani. Anything for Mr. Miyagi. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Okay, I didn’t
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really</i> expect it to be Mr. Miyagi. A
girl can dream, of course. But if my acupuncturist wasn’t going to be Mr.
Miyagi, I had a definite “type” in mind. He would be tall. Probably bearded. A man
bun would be perfectly, sloppily balanced on top of his head. There would
probably be quinoa involved….somehow. And maybe kale. A bicycle would likely be
propped up in the corner. He’d smell of baking soda deodorant and craft beer. You
know…the type who would be into alternative medicine and Eastern philosophy. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Imagine my
surprise when a tiny middle-aged Asian woman walked in. I hate to say it, but
her complete normalness was a bit of a disappointment after my man-bun/quinoa/craft
beer fantasy. But she was perfectly pleasant, so I recovered quickly. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
That is,
until she pulled the needles out from under her sinister cloak of doom. Yes,
the needles are narrow. Yes, the tips are tiny. But those mothers sting like a
bitch! Whoever told me that you can’t feel the needles at all obviously has 1.)
A sadistic sense of humor, or 2. Irreparable nerve damage. Since I consider this
person a dear friend, I am going to call it irreparable nerve damage and hope
she accepts my condolences. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
So the
needles stung going in. That was no fun. I won’t sugar-coat it, the needles
sucked. But then to make matters worse, the acupuncturist (who smelled of
lavender and not beer) did not immediately remove the needles. As a matter of
fact, she just left the room. Just walked right out the door. There I lay on my
back on the exam table like a pleasantly plump Edward Scissorhands. Unable to move.
Unable to flex my toes. (Flexing my toes is a weirdly big deal to me.) Unable
to scratch my nose for fear of piercing my left nostril. All alone. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
For Twenty.
Freaking. Minutes. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Nothing to
do. Nothing to look at. No one to talk to. All alone with my thoughts. Inside
my own head is a dangerous place to be at the best of times. But when I have
twenty needles protruding from my hands and knees and feet and ears (my EARS,
for heaven’s sake!), it is downright dangerous. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
It was not
relaxing. It was not peaceful. I did not enter a Zen-like meditative state. Instead,
I lay there for twenty minutes relentlessly tapping my fingers on the table
while seriously considering the social and medical ramifications of running,
screaming from the room with needles poking out of my kneecaps. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I might be a
wee bit high strung. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Eventually,
the needles were removed and I left the office smelling of mint from both the
oil the acupuncturist rubbed on my feet and legs afterwards and the two giant adhesive
pads (?) that I was told to leave stuck to my ample hips for 24 hours. I assume
they are pain pads of some sort, though I did not receive an explanation and
was in no mood for extended conversation at that point anyway. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I have at
least three more appointments scheduled at this point – once a week for the
next three weeks. I haven’t decided yet if my masochistic streak runs deep
enough to eventually enjoy acupuncture or if I will simply grin and bear it on
the off chance that it may provide me with some relief from my constant joint
pain. Those are the only two options, as far as I see it. Masochism or
machismo. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
There is a really
good chance I may not be the ideal candidate for Eastern medicine. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-25959000484383960712017-05-02T21:48:00.001-05:002017-05-02T22:02:27.140-05:00It Keeps Getting Better and Better<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eVqHQ7O0ksg/WQlEx5dZQyI/AAAAAAAACus/u6engmTU510k81LkjP0sx9BsnJETfSIlwCLcB/s1600/Cancer%2Bsucks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eVqHQ7O0ksg/WQlEx5dZQyI/AAAAAAAACus/u6engmTU510k81LkjP0sx9BsnJETfSIlwCLcB/s320/Cancer%2Bsucks.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
I am beginning to believe that I
might have multiple personality disorder. Or perhaps I am bipolar. Or maybe it
is some sort of dysphoric disorder. Or it could just be your plain old garden
variety low self-esteem. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
Whatever my official clinical diagnosis,
I am blaming cancer.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
Here's the thing about breast
cancer. Some days you feel like a warrior woman. Nothing about cancer is
pleasant, but there is something about getting through chemotherapy – about surviving
a bilateral mastectomy, toughing your way through radiation – that makes you
feel somehow stronger. Yes, your body is turning on you. Yes, your boobs
totally tried to kill you – traitorous bitches! Yes, your mind is making up terrifying
scenario after terrifying scenario. But you got through. You managed to come
out the other side. Some days, you just feel like Wonder Woman. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
Other days, you feel like a shitty
human being. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
Today was a shitty-human-being sort
of day. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
In my last blog post, I wrote about
the aches and pains I have been experiencing as a result of the aromatase
inhibitor, Letrozole, I was taking. I met with my oncologist on Friday to
discuss the pain. He explained that he would typically treat pain related to
the aromatase inhibitor by prescribing Neurontin. Guess what? I am already
taking Neurontin. His second option to combat the pain would be to prescribe an
anti-depressant like Celexa. Umm…yeah. I already take that, too. (I suspect there
are probably very few drugs in the entirety of the Physician’s Desk Reference that
I do not currently take.) The third option would be for him to prescribe a pain
medication like Vicodin. I come from a long line of addictive personalities
and, as a result, I don’t really like to take narcotics unless I have to. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That may sound weird but, though I love my
family dearly, I am quite cognizant of my genetic shortcomings. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
With no additional pain relief options
available to us, and with my pain having reached a level that was not conducive
to a pleasant home life for my dear family (my apologies, dear family), we
decided to switch me to Tamoxifen. Tamoxifen has side effects of its own –
primarily Menopausal-type side effects – but bone pain is not one of them.
Though Tamoxifen is a tiny bit less effective at preventing cancer recurrence than
the Letrozole I had been taking, I felt confident that our decision was the
right one for me. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
That was Friday. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
Today I woke up feeling somewhat
better than I had in a while, but I still had a lot of pain localized in my
right hip. Though I’ve been dealing with bone pain all over, the pain in my
right hip has been a tad bit worse than the rest of my pain. I’ve been telling
myself that it is nothing. That it is simply the medication. That I need not
worry. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
But the truth is, the pain in my
right hip has always felt…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">different</i>. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
When I had my mastectomy surgery,
my pathology report left something to be desired. I had already had 20 weeks of
chemotherapy that had shrunk my cancer considerably, and I went into surgery
hopeful that the post-surgical pathology report would come back with no lymph
node involvement and a clean bill of health. Instead, I had 14 lymph nodes
removed during my surgery and seven of those were still cancerous. Not the
report anyone wanted to see. But we proceeded with radiation and hormone
therapy, hoping (confident, even) that they would keep the cancer at bay. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
And so far, so good. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
But today I woke up feeling
different. I was being honest when I told my oncologist on Friday that I was
having pain all over, but I was fooling both of us when I said that all of the
pain was of the same intensity. So today, after a tearful conversation with
Ruanita, I decided to call my oncologist and discuss my concerns about my hip. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
Of course, keeping in step with my
usual luck, he was out of the office today. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
I spoke with his nurse, who
promised to speak with my doctor tomorrow morning and call me back. I would
have to wait. If I have perfected anything during my cancer “journey” (that
word again…blech!), it’s patience. I would not have to wait long, however, this
time. A couple of hours later, the nurse called me back and said that my doctor
had been checking his messages and saw that I had called. Obviously, he was concerned because he immediately
ordered hip and pelvic x-rays for me, to be completed at my earliest
convenience. My earliest convenience happened to be right after work today. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
So now I wait. Tomorrow, I will
either find out that the cancer has metastasized to my bones and is, therefore,
no longer curable – OR – I will know that my mind is playing tricks on me and
this is the first of what will surely be many more “freak-out” sessions about
my cancer coming back. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
So how does that make me a shitty
person?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
As many of you know and some of you
may not, my mom was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Almost exactly one
year <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">to the day</i> after I was diagnosed
(what are the fucking odds, really??), she found a lump that proved to be
cancerous. Last Friday, the same day I met with my oncologist, she had a lumpectomy
performed by my surgeon. At my hospital. In a couple weeks, she will be seeing
my oncologist. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
This afternoon, as I was driving
home from my x-ray appointment, I got a call from my mom’s surgeon – my mom had
given her permission to also call me with her pathology report from Friday’s
surgery, as my mother is an extremely poor disseminator of information. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
The verdict? </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
Nothing but good news. Her cancer
was determined to be Stage 1 breast cancer. Her tumor was only ½ a
centimeter in diameter. There was no cancer in her lymph nodes. She will
require no additional surgeries beyond the lumpectomy. She will not need chemotherapy.
She will have to have radiation because it goes hand-in-hand with a lumpectomy,
but her pathology report was about as good as it could possibly get. It was
fabulous news. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
But my first thought was not one of
elation. Nor excitement. Nor relief. My first feeling was not gratitude, as it should
have been. It was not happiness for my mother, who I love completely. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
No. Instead, I thought, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Why couldn’t that have been me?</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
That’s why I am a shitty person.
That is how cancer makes you feel like less of a human being. Because you want
nothing more than to be rid of it. Nothing more than to be safe. To be healthy.
To be whole again. To look at your daughter and feel confident that you will
see her grow up. To tell your son, with the arrogant certainty of a person
never touched by cancer, that you will always be there for him. You want it so
much you can’t see straight. You can’t think straight. You want it so much that
when another person gets it – even someone you love with all of your heart – you
can’t feel anything but envy. Ugly, repugnant envy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
So yeah…today I am a shitty person.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
Tomorrow, I may very well be a
shitty person with incurable cancer. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
Cancer sucks. </div>
</div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-1805348148412453052017-04-26T20:38:00.003-05:002017-04-27T11:35:24.756-05:00The Applicable Expletive<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wcmSrBiHQGg/WQFLlVxTkhI/AAAAAAAACuc/GYiI9qOEDhAA-uVhufEdJ1MQ223Go4lSQCLcB/s1600/Explicit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="215" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wcmSrBiHQGg/WQFLlVxTkhI/AAAAAAAACuc/GYiI9qOEDhAA-uVhufEdJ1MQ223Go4lSQCLcB/s320/Explicit.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
It’s been a very long time since I’ve written in this blog. In a way, I
suppose I’ve been avoiding it. Not because I no longer want to share this
journey with you (Blech, I hate that word – “journey.” It sounds like a kitschy vacation. You "journey" to Orlando to hop aboard Space Mountain, you are dragged kicking and screaming into cancer treatment!), but
because we have reached the point in the program where how I feel about how I
feel is not so black and white anymore. Not so easily identifiable.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I feel good. Decent, at least. I am back at work full time. I am
grocery shopping again (my happy place). I haven’t napped in weeks. My energy
level is back to my pre-cancer days. My kids no longer tiptoe around me.
Ruanita has stopped staring at me all weepy-eyed and sad. I’m me again. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Except when I’m not. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
It’s hard to explain. In many ways, I feel a sort of weird kinship with
soldiers coming home from war. Not in a strong, brave, honorable sense – I
readily admit to being a weak scaredy-cat with questionable morals – but perhaps
in a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">broken</i> sense. I imagine we might
be somewhat broken in the same ways. I imagine returning soldiers struggle with
coming home to unchanged circumstances as a changed person. And that’s how I
feel. In many ways, completing my treatment has been a sort of homecoming. I am
stepping back into my life after a year-long absence. But it doesn’t feel like
my life anymore. The circumstances are regaining a sense of normalcy
(somewhat), but I am not the same person I was a year ago. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t react to things in the same way. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I am entirely too much inside my own head, which is a crazy place to
be. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I want to be the same person I was before. I want to get excited about
the same things. But my brain is waging a rebellion that is, frankly, quite annoying.
My brain is completely disrespecting me these days. Giving me lip. (Yes, my
brain has a lip. It also has a finger that it wags in front of my face and a mouth
like a redneck sailor. And a voice like a howler monkey.) </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I say, “Look! A 50-cent off coupon for butter!” (These are the things
that used to excite my pre-cancer self). My brain replies, “Bitch, you could
have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">died</i>! Buy all the fucking butter,
asshole!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I say, “I need to get up. I have so much to do at work today.” My brain
replies, “Bitch, you could have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">died</i>!
You deserve to sleep in!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I say, “My children need my undivided attention.” My brain replies, “Bitch,
you could have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">died</i>! What about what
YOU need??”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I say, “I need to watch what I eat. I need to be more active. Exercise
would be good for my mental health.” My brain replies, “Bitch, you could have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">died</i>! Eat all the fucking cookies you
want and shut your goddamn pie hole!” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Ruanita doesn’t like it when I curse. She will tell you that curse
words sound somehow…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wrong</i>…coming out
of my mouth. Prior to being diagnosed with cancer, I rarely cursed. Partly
because I was a goody-two-shoes rule follower in the style of Nelly Olson from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Little House on the Prairie</i>, and partly
because I never felt I was clever enough to properly utilize the colorful
plethora of curse words available in the English language. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I have friends who have elevated cursing to an art form. Curse words
roll off their lips like paint from Van Gogh’s paintbrush. They manage to blend
and meld expletives into masterpieces worthy of the Louvre. Their swearing is
at once curt and florid. They are exceptionally proficient profaners. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I am <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not </i>one of these people.
At least I wasn’t one of these people pre-cancer. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Post-cancer?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I no longer care if I am clever. I no longer give a fig about the artfully
rendered phrase. There are some circumstances that just require a good, long,
breathy FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Cancer – specifically this period post-treatment when I am coming to grips
with the fact that everything is over and nothing will ever end– is one such
circumstance. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I guess what I am trying to say is – life is hard right now. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Because things are mostly back to normal, everyone expects me to be all
better. Everyone expects me to be whole. And I am. Don’t get me wrong. I am
living my life. I am happy. I am thrilled to be here. To have my kids. My wife.
My life. It’s just not always easy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
What people don’t realize is that normal is no longer normal. People
joke that I no longer have the “cancer card” at my disposal. But cancer has
affected me in ways that will never go away. My safety net is gone. We all have
that sense that bad things can’t happen to us. We know intellectually that it
isn’t true. But emotionally, we buy into it hook, line, and sinker. We believe
we are immune. This belief keeps us safe. It keeps us sane. It keeps us from
having to deal with everything that is scary and unsure about the world. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
With cancer, that sense of safety disintegrates. And it’s impossible to
regain that naiveté once it’s gone. It's like trying to get your virginity back - it ain't gonna happen, honey. I now <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">know</i>
bad things can happen to me. And I am completely convinced bad things will happen again. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
So I wait. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Wait for the other shoe to fall. Wait for the cancer to return. For
every twinge. For every ache. Every pain. I wait and watch and wonder when it
will be back. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
And I have a lot of aches and pains these days. Because my cancer was
hormone-receptor positive, I am being treated with a drug called Letrozole
(Femara) that suppresses my body’s production of estrogen. It’s quite effective
in preventing cancer recurrence in women with hormone-receptor positive breast
cancer. But it comes with some pretty nasty side effects.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
The main side effect is joint and muscle pain. I have a LOT of joint
and muscle pain. Some days I am fine, but more often than not, I am hurting. My
hips, thighs, knees, ankles. Everything from the waist down aches. I hobble
around here like a 90-year-old woman. My hands also ache. My wrists. My
fingers. Most of the time, I manage. Some days, I am in tears. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I have spoken to my doctor about the pain. I have the option of
switching to a different medication – a drug called Tamoxifen. Many women find
that the joint and muscle pain goes away when they switch to Tamoxifen, but the
drug comes with its own set of side effects. And it is a teensy tiny bit less
effective than Letrozole. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
So less pain, but maybe…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">more cancer</i>?
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Whichever drug I land on, I will need to take it for 10 years. So I am
looking at quality of life versus medication efficacy issues. Can I handle this
level of pain for the next 10 years? Can I handle the risk of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> handling it? My oncologist says that
it is my decision. He says that Tamoxifen is a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">good</i> drug, but Letrozole is a teensy bit <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">better</i>. but the pay-off is less pain. Less pain is something I
could TOTALLY get behind. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
And <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">teensy</i> doesn’t sound like
much, after all. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Does it?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I see my oncologist again on June 5<sup>th</sup>. He has said that, by
that time, he will feel like we’ve given it a good old college try and we can
call it quits and move to Tamoxifen if I want.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
If I want…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
What do I want? I feel like I am entirely unqualified to make this
decision. I mean, who the hell am I? I’m not a doctor. I’m just a weak scaredy-cat
with questionable morals, after all. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
So if you hear me exhale a long, quiet FUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKK in the coming
weeks, you’ll know why. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Shhhh.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Don’t tell Ruanita. </div>
</div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-85110326029965879242017-01-31T10:38:00.000-06:002017-01-31T12:39:16.025-06:00Move Along. Nothing to See Here. All Perfectly Normal. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dgu52GBEl0c/WJC9Em6JPpI/AAAAAAAACtE/Jsx4uZmauM4-fGeqZ3AzkDLyyB30G9fYQCLcB/s1600/Anxious.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dgu52GBEl0c/WJC9Em6JPpI/AAAAAAAACtE/Jsx4uZmauM4-fGeqZ3AzkDLyyB30G9fYQCLcB/s400/Anxious.jpg" width="345" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Ruanita
is sitting across from me. She is talking to me about…something. Maybe it’s
about the kids. Maybe it’s about the dog. Or our bills. Or the weather. Or our
summer vacation plans. I don’t know because I’m not listening. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">All
I want to do is punch her in the face.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">She’s
done nothing wrong. She’s said nothing wrong. But I am consumed by an anger
that hits out of the blue and takes my breath away. My hands are shaking. My
heart is racing. I take deep breaths to try to calm the rabid wolverine inside
of me. Eventually the anger does fade. It passes as suddenly as it arrived,
with a final, long exhale. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">I am
me again. And I did not punch Ruanita in the face. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">This
sudden, inexplicable anger comes and goes at the most inopportune of moments. Siting
in traffic. Walking the aisles of Target. Trying to convince my kids that yes,
they <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do</i> need to empty the dishwasher
when I ask them to and not an hour from now when they get bored with the video
game they are playing. The anger always comes as a surprise. To those around
me, but especially to me. And it is second in frequency only to the anxiety
that hits on a daily basis and causes me to freeze in my tracks.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">I’ve
never been an extremely anxious person. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Okay,
that may be a lie. When I was a kid, I had a “nervous tummy” that caused me to
cry a lot and miss more than a few days of school. My mother gave me Maalox by
the boatload to ease my fears and calm my raging belly. That was way back when
Maalox was a prescription drug and had none of the “delicious” flavor punch it
packs today. In 1980, Maalox was white. It tasted like someone had gathered
together all the chalk dust floating around all the chalk boards in all the 2<sup>nd</sup>
grade classrooms in all the world – and combined it in one dreadful, hated
bottle. I drank it with my nose pinched and my gag reflex on high alert. And it
did nothing to ease my anxiety. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
began biting my fingernails the day I first sprouted an upper tooth and a lower
tooth that, in unison, could chomp onto a nail with the ferocity of an angry
chihuahua trying to prove its mettle against larger and stronger dogs. I gnawed
on my nails until they were nothing more than saliva-covered nubs. Then I
chewed the nubs until they bled. Biting my nails gave me a sense of purpose
when things around me made no sense. Biting my nails gave me a singular goal to
focus on. Make it short. Make it smooth. Make it hurt. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
still bite my nails – though with less enthusiasm as I did in my youth – but my
nervous stomach is a thing of the past. I survived high school. I went to
college. I became an adult with a job and a mortgage and a wife and somewhat
mentally stable offspring. My anxiety did not follow me past childhood. I am an
anxiety-free adult. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">That
is, I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">was</i> an anxiety-free adult. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Until
now. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Up
to this point, I have been extremely proud of the way in which I have managed
my cancer diagnosis and treatment. Cancer did not break me. I managed to make
it through treatment with an untouched bottle of Ativan and a positive attitude
that I consider my saving grace. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">So
what the fuck is going on now?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Since
completing treatment on December 30<sup>th</sup>, that bottle of Ativan is
almost gone. I have trouble falling asleep at night. I feel a constant weight –
like a boulder – sitting on my chest. It’s heavy and the weight of it makes it
difficult to move sometimes. Even to breathe. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Apparently,
this is something no one tells you about cancer treatment. The anxiety, the
anger, the hopelessness, the rage, the adrenaline, the immobilizing fear – they
all hit you at once. And it isn’t when you are diagnosed. It isn’t when you
first hear those words, “You have cancer.” It’s not when you would expect it,
in the throes of treatment. Sitting in the infusion chair during chemo. Laying
topless under the humming radiation machine. Crying because the drains sewn
into your sides hurt so completely that you can’t fathom ever being rid of
them. It doesn’t hit when you are prepared for it. It doesn’t hit when everyone
is at your side cheering you on. It doesn’t hit when people are sending cards
and calling and dropping by with coffee and treats. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">It happens
at the end. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">When
it’s over. When you are just starting to feel human again. When the
well-wishers have moved on, confident in their friend’s full recovery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It hits you when you least expect. Sitting
across from your wife talking about…who knows what. Because you can’t focus on
the words she is saying because you are imagining your hands around the neck of
the person you love most in the world. Not because you want to hurt her. But
because you are so angry that you want to lash out. So outraged that this had
to happen to you. To her. To your children. So angry that the last year of your
life has been spent lying on a couch. Sleeping away hours upon hours that you
will never get back. Missing choir concerts and soccer games and violin
recitals. Apologizing over and over for not being there. For not being you. For
not being human. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">And
that rage is fueled by fear. When I was in constant contact with my doctor, I felt
safe. I felt secure in the knowledge that I was doing something to combat the
monster growing inside me. That it would not grow
unchecked under my skin. I was part of a team whose sole purpose was to make me
better. Team Shannon. They would save me. Together, we would make everything
normal again. One day. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Then
that day came, and I was suddenly alone again. Sure, I have my oncologist on
speed dial, but I have no appointments scheduled. I am not going to see him
tomorrow. Or the next day. I don’t want to bother him. In many ways, it’s like
he’s broken up with me. I’m a jilted bride. Left at the altar. I am alone in
this fight. It is up to me to save me now. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Every
shoulder twinge, every knee ache, every stomach turn. They are all sure signs
of metastasis. Surely the cancer has spread. Surely it is growing unchecked
inside me. I didn’t feel the weight of my mortality until I was better. Until I
was on the road to recovery. Until I no longer needed constant monitoring.
Suddenly, I am acutely aware that it could come back. It might come back. It<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> surely</i> will come back. I have no
control whatsoever. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">And this
lack of control makes me incredibly anxious.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">All
the time. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">And
Facebook is scary. And we elected a fascist. And public education is in danger.
And immigrants need our help. And a racist fuck-face is on the National
Security Council. And my rights as a lesbian are on the chopping block. And the
environment is under attack from…tree haters? And park rangers are resisting.
And black lives <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do</i> matter. And
Twitter rants are stupid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I don’t
own a pussy hat. And my hair is too curly. And gray. And alternative facts are
not facts. And I’m not sure if all these petitions accomplish anything at all. And
Sean Spicer is going to stroke out if he insists on being such an angry little
troll. And I want to donate to the ACLU, but T-Mobile wants me to pay my phone
bill. And the kids need to know that I am okay – now more than ever. And
Ruanita misses me – wants me. But I am not sure where to find the me she wants.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Anxiety
is my life right now. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
think I might puke. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">I am
told all of this jumbled emotional upheaval is normal. I am not a violent freak
of nature. I am not even moderately weird. Now that I am not go-go-going all
the time, my brain has the luxury of processing what I have been through. And
those emotions that have been held in check for so long because I needed to
survive the treatment have been freed now that treatment is over. And rather
than take turns in a polite manner – as I would expect the emotions of a polite
person like myself to behave – they have decided to all hit me at once in full
force. Rather rude, if you ask me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">But
I’m normal. Perfectly, pleasantly, pedantically normal.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">Somehow,
that doesn’t make me feel better. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-36443698048116961662016-12-19T13:15:00.000-06:002016-12-19T13:34:46.560-06:00Can We Be Done with 2016 Already??<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7eOilkhVpVc/WFgxcbk9H_I/AAAAAAAACq8/Qc8qVxEtajM9_ioATYji5bluFF_XWkX9QCLcB/s1600/2016.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7eOilkhVpVc/WFgxcbk9H_I/AAAAAAAACq8/Qc8qVxEtajM9_ioATYji5bluFF_XWkX9QCLcB/s400/2016.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
thought chemo was tough. I thought recovering from surgery was hell. Then I
started radiation…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
process of receiving radiation in and of itself is not that bad. Aside from a
slight case of claustrophobia induced by a large machine spinning around me and
the quickly-wearing-off novelty of driving to downtown St. Paul at 7:00 each
morning, it’s not so bad. The radiation itself is not painful. The technicians
are chatty and fun. My radiation oncologist is friendly and informative. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">And everybody knows my name.</b> In that
way, it is kind of like a certain 80s era Boston bar. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Any
resemblance to Cheers, however, ends after about the 20<sup>th</sup> treatment.
That is when the skin begins to itch. When it begins to peel. When it begins to
hurt like a motherfucker. When is becomes such a deep, dark red color that it
looks almost black. That is when the fatigue kicks in full force. When the
simple act of running to Target becomes a barely surmountable test of
endurance. When fatigue forces you to bed well before your grown-up bedtime.
Like a toddler who has been naughty. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">That
is where I am sitting right now. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m
pretty miserable, but at least I can tell myself that it’ll all be over next
Tuesday, I will complete the BIG THREE treatments in 2016! I’m not sure why
this is important to me, but I want to put this year behind me for good. I want
to finish the major treatments and move on to the much easier medication phase
in 2017. So despite the pain and fatigue, the end is near.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">But
wait…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
overslept this morning. That is a surprisingly easy thing to do when you are
exhausted beyond ridiculousness and every other creature in your house – human
and canine – are on Winter Break or do not have to be at work until noon.
Everyone else gets to sleep in, but I get to go to radiation. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
normally leave my house at 6:45 to allow for a quick stop at Caribou for my
morning cup of life-instilling deliciousness. This morning, however, I woke up at
6:45. This was quickly followed by a creative – and impressive, if I do say so,
myself – chorus of curse words as I pulled on clothes and quickly ran a
toothbrush haphazardly across my teeth. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Hair
be damned. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">No
coffee for me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
rushed to get to the hospital on time. My daily appointment is at 7:30. I made
it there at precisely 7:31. Not bad for a caffeine-deficient corpse on wheels!
I undressed, put on the lovely pink smock, and lay down on the table – all
prepared to get it done so I could be on my not-so-merry way. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
technician took one look at me on the table and said, “Ooohh…wow. Has the
doctor seen this?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Over
the weekend, I had begun to peel. The spot directly over my collarbone is
especially raw and ugly. I am also peeling in my armpit and the skin under my
armpit is way too close to black for my comfort. Though I have met some incredibly beautiful
women in my lifetime with brown or black skin, it’s not really <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">normal</i> for a pasty white girl like me to
have black skin. Honestly, it’s kind of freaking me out a bit,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
radiation technician immediately went to get the doctor, who came in, leaned
over me and whispered, “Oh, dear.” Not exactly what you want to hear from your <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">cancer doctor.</b> He went on to say that
there would be no radiation for me today. In addition, he was giving me
tomorrow off, as well. Apparently my skin needs time to heal before we continue
with the radiation treatment. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">So
that thing I said about knowing, at least, that my treatment would be over next
Tuesday? Yeah, that ain’t gonna happen. I am not getting a total reprieve from
radiation – simply a break. The two days I am missing will be tagged onto the
end. That means, as it stands, I will complete radiation on December 30<sup>th</sup>.
Considering the current condition of my skin (raw, peeling, black, and
incredibly painful), it is entirely possible that I will need an additional
“break” or two before I am done. Any more than one additional day will push me
into 2017. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">This
really means nothing, except that it means everything. It is purely symbolic
that I want to complete radiation in 2016. Realistically, I know that I will
never be done with cancer. Or rather, cancer will never be done with me. I will
be followed by my oncologist for the next ten years, at least. And even beyond
that, there will always be the lingering “what ifs.” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What if that twinge in my shoulder is cancer? What if that ache in my
hip is cancer? What if the normal, everyday aches and pains of aging are
neither normal nor everyday for me?</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">What
if…what if…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
will live with the “what ifs” for years to come, but there is something
significant to me about closing the book on 2016. My symptoms started in January,
I was diagnosed in March, started chemo in April, had surgery in September, <u>and
finished radiation in December.</u> One year of my life gone. One entire year,
but <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">only </i>one year. 2016 sucked like
no other year before it, but it will soon be over and done. The worst of my
treatment complete. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Or
maybe not. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Silver Lining:</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> I seem to have
forgotten with my last few posts the “silver lining” I promised to always look
for at the beginning of this whole mess. So today’s silver lining? I ate
Campbell’s chicken and stars for lunch today. It’s my go-to “sick and
depressed” meal…and it was unusually comforting and delicious. </span>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-63344355121569082042016-12-05T16:37:00.000-06:002016-12-05T16:52:17.086-06:00Wish Me Luck!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wIsfOwIxXFw/WEXt3lsMbuI/AAAAAAAACqk/qxH8z7bFibM9RDP3IQ6xQflHDmwvL-UGwCLcB/s1600/01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wIsfOwIxXFw/WEXt3lsMbuI/AAAAAAAACqk/qxH8z7bFibM9RDP3IQ6xQflHDmwvL-UGwCLcB/s320/01.jpg" width="280" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is supposed to be a thumbs up. Selfies are hard. </td></tr>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m
taking a rather large and consequential leap forward in my personal growth as a
human being this week. I’ve made an appointment with a therapist to deal with
my weirdness about my cancer. I have never seen a therapist before, not because
I have stellar mental health, but because I consider myself pretty skilled at
faking stellar mental health. So this is a first for me. Time to put my
weirdness about cancer out in the open. </span><br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
say “weirdness” because I do not otherwise know how to explain it. I am not
sad. I don’t cry. As a matter of fact, the only time I have really cried at all
was in the days following my mastectomy, and that had more to do with being in a
ridiculous amount of pain and desperately wanting to sleep, and less to do with
sadness or fear about my diagnosis. I am not really scared. I do not dwell on
death. I can honestly say that I do not think about death any more these days
that I did prior to my diagnosis. I don’t dream about death. I dream bizarre
dreams about oatmeal cream pies and worms that turn into lo mein noodles (last
night’s dream). And I am not angry – at least no angrier than I was before my
diagnosis. I should be apoplectic with rage, but I don’t even feel a miniscule bubbling
of low-level outrage. I am more pissed about Ben Carson being name<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">d</span> HUD Secretary
than I am about the last nine months of cancer treatment! </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">And
that’s the weird thing. When you hear about someone being diagnosed with cancer
– especially someone young (somewhat) and relatively healthy (somewhat) – you
assume they will feel sad, scared, and angry. Those are kind of the BIG THREE
when it comes to cancer emotionality. So what is wrong with me that I don’t
really feel any of these?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">That’s
what I am hoping a therapist can tell me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’ll
tell you what I do feel. I feel numb. I feel numb a lot of the time. I see my
mother upset. I see Ruanita terrified. I see my kids reacting in ways that are
new to them this year. Nicky suddenly loves his “blankies” again and takes them
everywhere he goes. Lucas is apologetic to a fault – every real or imagined
trespass is immediately met with zealous amends. And Sophie is so hot and cold
with me that I don’t think even she knows if she likes me at any given moment.
She has mastered the irrational anger I should be feeling.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">But
all I feel is numb. A sluggish numbness. Like I have fallen into a sort of
conscious coma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And in the meantime, I
have been replaced by a different person who I do not recognize. She goes to
work at my job. She lives with my family. She sleeps in the bed with my wife. She
has everyone fooled. They think she is me, but I’m the bystander off in the
corner. Watching quietly. Wondering if I will ever be me again. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">That
sounds sort of insane, doesn’t it? Kind of Sybil-like? I promise I do not have
a split personality (that I am aware of). And it’s not like I do not appreciate
the pain and uncertainty that my family is experiencing. It breaks my heart
that they are suffering on my behalf. But I don’t seem to have those same deep emotional
currents. I don’t feel those highs and lows where my treatment is concerned. I
just feel numb. Detached from the whole shitty thing. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cAfAg4TDHqg/WEXrbvKp0eI/AAAAAAAACqc/q4B2WH9yMNstdJKbSdmqsQVwPRWk1b9GwCLcB/s1600/Dad1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="393" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cAfAg4TDHqg/WEXrbvKp0eI/AAAAAAAACqc/q4B2WH9yMNstdJKbSdmqsQVwPRWk1b9GwCLcB/s400/Dad1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">This
past Saturday marked the 33<sup>rd</sup> anniversary of my dad’s death from
brain cancer. He was thirty-three years old when he died. He’s now been dead and
gone for the same amount of time that he was alive and moving through the lives
of his friends and family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unlike my
siblings who were too young to remember, I vividly remember his funeral. I
remember his casket in the front of the church. Everyone
around me was crying. I could not seem to get a tear to fall. I stared
wide-eyed – unblinking – at his casket. If I stared hard enough for long
enough, surely my eyes would water. Surely I could cry like everyone else. I
could show everyone that I loved him just as much as they did. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Even
then, at eleven years old, all I could muster was a sense of numb
inevitability. A blunt and listless detachment. Just as they are now, tears
seemed well beyond my grasp. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">But
it’s not about tears, is it? It’s not about whether I can cry or not cry. Rage
or not rage. It’s about coming to terms. On my own terms. And as seemingly
positive as I am, I’m not sure that I have done that yet. I have this sinking
feeling that the only way I am going to be able to evict the bitch who has
taken over my life and step out of that corner once again is to face my
feelings about my inadequacies. To look at myself honestly and without bias and
learn to see the beauty and value that lies within – boobless or not. Tearful
or not. Angry or not. To look beyond my “weirdness” about my diagnosis and
truly believe that it is okay. However I feel. However I respond. It’s okay.
And to do that, I am certainly going to need some help. So I am seeing a
therapist for the first time in my adult life on Wednesday. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Wish
me luck. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Or
rather, wish her luck!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-39755619643645031282016-11-29T19:50:00.000-06:002016-11-29T20:09:24.251-06:00Where Did I Go?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EYCUFvihAso/WD40xu93tTI/AAAAAAAACqE/_2UmaLOtuY81a4bNTtlfHO6bylfRCj7TQCLcB/s1600/BlogSleep.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EYCUFvihAso/WD40xu93tTI/AAAAAAAACqE/_2UmaLOtuY81a4bNTtlfHO6bylfRCj7TQCLcB/s400/BlogSleep.jpg" width="301" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Today
I completed my 10<sup>th</sup> radiation treatment. I am a third of the way
done. If I were a glass-half-full sort of cancer patient, that would be
something to celebrate. My cancer personality, however, tends to lean toward a
more morose interpretation of events. </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I have 20 more treatments to go. </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Ugh,
that sounds like a lot, doesn't it? That’s a full four more weeks of radiation – even
longer if you deduct for the Christmas holiday. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">If
I’m being honest, I don’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hate</i>
radiation. I got off to a pretty rough start, but it has steadily improved
since then. (Ativan has certainly helped.) I’m an old pro now. I walk in the
place and the receptionist waves me on, chirping, “I’ll get you checked in,
Shannon.” I take off my top and put on the hospital’s stylish-in-a-1970s-wrap-dress-gone-horribly-awry-sort-of-way
pink-on-more-pink smock. Then I am almost immediately taken back for radiation
where I perform a sad table dance flat on my back and naked, while breathing
heavily in front of three young 20-something technicians. (Weirdly, it’s not nearly
as fun as it sounds.) Every Tuesday, I see my doctor who assures me that I am looking
fabulous (despite irrefutable evidence to the contrary). I let myself believe
her for a minute or two, and then I am on my way. Sure, it’s a hassle to drive
all the way to downtown Saint Paul at 7:00 every morning, but a skim turtle
mocha with white chocolate from Caribou often helps ease the pain of the round
trip. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">You
may find this hard to believe but – despite my cheerful exterior – I am feeling
rather down today. I feel at this point that I might just have survived cancer.
Maybe. It’s not over, of course, but I am feeling somewhat confident that maybe
everything will be okay. Maybe I will not die after all. Maybe I will see my
children grow up. Maybe I will hold my grandchildren one day. If nothing else,
maybe I will live long enough to get an iPhone 8. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">So
if I am feeling so positive about my prognosis, why am I down?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">This
is going to sound totally ridiculous, but…I don’t like the way I look. (*cringe*)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
beat cancer. I am almost done with treatment, and I fucking lived to tell the
story. Who cares what I look like as long as I am alive, right? How shallow can
a person possibly be?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I am
not a vain person. Really, I’m not. I never have been. I know I am not a beauty
queen. I am “pleasantly plump.” My hair has always been too wavy to be straight
and too straight to be curly. My nose is big and I have a giant chin that
rivals Jay Leno. Why would I care what I look like?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Well,
I don’t really. It’s more complicated than just “I don’t like the way I look.”
The thing is that I don’t look like ME. My body is not the body that I lived in
for 43 years before being diagnosed with breast cancer. I used to know myself intimately.
I knew what my body was capable of doing. I knew what it was not. I knew how it
would react – to my movements, to my thoughts, to stress and anger and love and
happiness. I knew that if I missed more than one day of my birth control pills,
I would undoubtedly get a zit on my chin. I knew that my knees would hurt every
time it rained and randomly for 4-5 days every six months or so. I knew that I
would gag every time I brushed my teeth, even 10 years after it first began
when I was pregnant with my twins. And I knew wine was my friend and beer was a
life-long nemesis to my gastro-intestinal tract. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
knew my body.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">These
days, my body is not my own. My hands fall asleep whenever they feel like it
and refuse to wake up no matter what I do. There are days when my legs act like
they’ve forgotten how to hold me up. I can fall asleep anywhere, anytime –
except in my own bed at 2am. I’ve gained twenty pounds, but it feels more like
fifty since my lack of boob accentuates my overabundance of belly. And the lack
of boob is probably not noticeable to other people, but to me it feels like I
am walking around with a missing arm or a missing leg. Part of me is gone that
should be there. And I am certain everyone sees it. Everyone sees me. Or
rather, everyone sees the lack of me. It’s hard to explain the feeling, but it
compels me to pull my cardigan close around my body and fold my arms across my
chest in an attempt to shrink myself right out of sight. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">And
then there is my hair. It is coming back in thick, but entirely too slow for my
taste. I have friends who wear their hair as short as mine is now and they are
beautiful and bad-ass and bright stars in an otherwise dark sky. But their
style is not my style. I don’t look like me with extremely short hair. I don’t
feel like me. I am self-conscious ALL THE TIME. The woman at IKEA calls me
“sir” and I shrink a tiny bit more. It is quite ridiculous to be so consumed by
one’s appearance, but I just want to look like me again – with all my foibles
and flaws, I just want to be me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
have breast inserts that I can wear in a bra. When I wear them, I feel a little
less conscious of my <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">differentness</i>. I
feel a tiny bit less dissonance between who I am and who I once was. I don’t
feel the need to fold in on myself. But the bras are uncomfortable. The inserts
are hot and heavy. The holes where my drains once were are healed, but still
tender. The bra band sits right on these scars. And it needs to be tight to
keep from riding up. I sometimes feel like I am being choked when I wear my
boobs – as if an invisible snake is constricting me until there is nothing left
of me but a spine and a couple chunks of silicone. The choice to be boobed or
boobless is a no-win at this point. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Last
night, my children had a performance at a local Barnes and Noble. Sophie played
the violin and then Sophie and Lucas sang with their respective school choirs. I
wouldn’t have missed it for the world. I wore jeans and a t-shirt with a hoodie
over the shirt. I chose not to wear my boobs for the reasons outlined above.
Unfortunately, when the crowds gathered, it became so hot in that little corner
of the bookstore that I couldn’t possible wear my hoodie. Without my protective
covering, I sat with my arms crossed, trying to hide my concave chest – my belly
hanging out below my arms. After a year with no sun, my arms were paler even
than my wife’s normally translucent skin. The hair on my head was wet with
sweat. I was incredibly uncomfortable throughout the entire performance because
I was so wrapped up in how I felt about how I looked that I couldn’t focus on
the reason we were there. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">This
is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> me.</span><br />
<br />
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Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I do
not like this person. But I do not know how to get rid of her. I am told that I
will eventually get used to this new normal, that I will reach a day when I
will feel comfortable in my own skin again. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Right
now I am doubtful. </span></span></div>
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Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-15298742129621876112016-11-16T16:33:00.001-06:002016-11-16T16:33:37.299-06:00Radiation - A Piece of Cake??<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WVsnrdITYyg/WCzeCYAGkTI/AAAAAAAACpk/wWYzxBnvysEpEQFWeRtMiSq3Zq9BfKAQACLcB/s1600/Blog11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WVsnrdITYyg/WCzeCYAGkTI/AAAAAAAACpk/wWYzxBnvysEpEQFWeRtMiSq3Zq9BfKAQACLcB/s320/Blog11.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me. I survived. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Radiation
is easy. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">After
enduring five months of chemotherapy and the pain and debilitation of a
bilateral mastectomy, radiation is supposed to be a piece of cake. This phase
of cancer treatment is often said to be the easiest of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Big Three.</b> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
mean, well…it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">will </i>cause a little
fatigue. And they <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">are </i>aiming levels
of radiation long considered dangerous for human beings at my bare chest. And
the doctor <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">did </i>tell me that she <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">does</i> intend to burn my skin to the point
of blistering to properly treat the area. And I am pretty certain my heart and
lungs are both located inside my chest. Those are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">kind of</i> important organs for your everyday, basic quality of life.
Did I mention the radiation levels long-considered unsafe for human
consumption?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">But
I will keep my hair! So there is that. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
had my first radiation session yesterday. I picked my mom up at the airport at
midnight the night before. After dropping her off safely at home, I found
myself unable to go to sleep. My brain was stuck in cancer mode. For those of
you not familiar with cancer mode, it goes a little something like this:</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Tomorrow is my first radiation. I hope it
will kill all the cancer and keep it from coming back. But what if it doesn’t?
What if it comes back in my bones? My knee hurt all last week. I thought it was
just my normal every-six-months flair up. But what if that was bone cancer? And
I peed in my pants this morning when I did not make it the bathroom in time.
What if that was bladder cancer? I should buy some new underwear. Just to have
on hand. Pretty undies. I like the colorful, comfortable ones from Lane Bryant.
But what if I lose weight? I want to lose weight. I need to lose weight. Then I
would need skinny underwear. But losing weight is so hard for me. Why is it so
hard? Maybe I have adrenal cancer? Maybe I am just fluffy and not fat. I don’t
really eat that much. Really. McDonalds this morning doesn’t count. Neither
does the large turtle mocha from Caribou. I should be really be even fatter
than I am. What if I have stomach cancer?</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">That,
my friends, is the brain’s cancer mode. Unsurprisingly, I was up all night
brain-blathering, so I did not get any sleep at all. Lack of sleep combined
with a touch of claustrophobia and a healthy dose of fear of drowning/being
buried alive led to a memorable and altogether miserable first radiation
treatment.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Last
week when I was tested and scanned and measured for radiation, I was told that
women receiving radiation for breast cancer fall into two groups. The first
group is comprised of women whose heart does not move at all when they inhale
deeply. These women are allowed to breath normally during radiation. The second
group is comprised of women whose heart shifts slightly to the right and away
from the chest wall when they inhale deeply. These women are asked to hold
their breath during radiation, allowing the heart to move completely out of the
radiation field. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Guess
which group I fall into?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">That’s
right! I am one of the lucky few who are able to hold their breath and thereby
shift their hearts right out of the radiation field. Yay! No heart damage!
Never mind that 1.) Fat girls are generally not incredibly talented at holding
their breath – particularly when lying flat on their backs, and 2.) I have an
unnaturally robust fear of drowning and/or being buried alive. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">So I
did not start radiation in a very good mental place – even in the waiting room.
After working myself up to a nervous pacing around the room, I was finally led
back to a dim room full of machines and asked to lie down on a flat table that
was hard as marble and barely as wide as my hips. My head and left arm went
into a (hard) mold that was made specifically for me. My head was turned away
from my chest at a weird angle, and my left arm was resting above my head. My
right hand had to be tucked under my arse so my arm would not dangle
precariously from the narrow table. It almost instantly fell asleep, of course.
Big machines whirred above me and to the left and right of me. (Move along,
people! No claustrophobia triggers here!) A small box was taped to my big,
white belly so the technicians could watch my breathing. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--_x4ap__WIo/WCzeZy9CtzI/AAAAAAAACpo/yIR-cnoJAwkKkYd_ngkZ8o7Nong1_VykQCLcB/s1600/Blog12.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--_x4ap__WIo/WCzeZy9CtzI/AAAAAAAACpo/yIR-cnoJAwkKkYd_ngkZ8o7Nong1_VykQCLcB/s400/Blog12.png" width="291" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not me. But this is what the machine looks like. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
was asked repeatedly to take a deep breath and hold it. I am really, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really</i></b>
bad at holding my breath. I mean, like <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pathetically</i></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>bad. Ten seconds is about all I can muster at the best of times.
Tired and in the throes of a claustrophobic conniption, I could barely muster
seven. By the time my radiation was finished, I had worked myself up into a full-blown
tizzy. My face was white as a ghost. I felt like I was going to vomit on the
radiation machine (which I am sure would have resulted in a fairly hefty bill
for damages). I was dizzy and hyperventilating. I wanted nothing more than to
rush to the toilet in the dressing room (they have a separate dressing area for
women who are receiving radiation to their chests) and hurl. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">But
no…I see the doctor on Tuesdays. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
was taken to an exam room to meet with the doctor even though it was only my
first treatment. The nurse obviously thought I was having a “spell” of some
sort – perhaps of a psychiatric nature. She quickly took my blood pressure
(which happened to be 145 over 95 at the time - Yowza!) without taking her eyes
off me. I think she truly expected my head to start spinning and pea soup to
fly across the room. I am sure she was plotting her escape. The nurse quickly
rushed off to get me some water and saltines, and then fled the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">When
my doctor came in, I had managed to get control of my hyperventilation, but I
was still pale and shaky. The doctor tried to make me feel better by saying,
“This sometimes happens.” Her eyes, however, clearly said, “WTF is wrong with
this psycho chick??” She wrote me a prescription for Ativan (I had run out during
chemo) and encouraged me to take it. I apologized profusely for my
over-reaction, and even started crying in front of the doctor. What the hell??
I don’t cry in public, as a general rule. Actually, I rarely cry if at all
avoidable. So at this point, my own eyes were clearly saying, “WTF is wrong
with this psycho chick??” It was somewhat comforting that my doctor and I were
on the same page. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">After
being dismissed from the exam room, teary-eyed, I wobbled to the women’s
dressing room, locked myself in one of the changing rooms, and laid on the
padded changing bench for at least 10 minutes – possibly 15 – before I could
muster the mental capacity needed to put my t-shirt and sweater back on. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">After
that, I called Ruanita from the parking lot and bawled. I had insisted that she
did not need to come with me because radiation “is a piece of cake.” Needless
to say, calling her crying might not have been the best idea. Now she fully
intends to accompany me to every single radiation treatment I have every day for
the next six and a half weeks. Should be fun. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">This
morning, I took two Ativan before heading to the hospital for my radiation
treatment. The treatment went much smoother today. I did not hyperventilate. I
did not cry. I did not vomit. Holding my breath for the required time was not
necessarily any easier, but I was much more relaxed about the whole thing. We
were in and out in no time at all. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Moral of the story:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> Shannon should be
highly medicated, not just for medical procedures, but as a general, everyday
rule to live by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-23107206573200259452016-11-01T15:21:00.000-05:002016-11-01T15:34:12.788-05:00My New Boobs!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
"I got new boobs. Wanna see them?"<br />
<br />
These are not sentences I ever expected to be texting, especially to my mother. But I did text them to my mom this morning. Ruanita was at work and I needed to show <i>someone</i> my new boobs. They've been a long time coming.<br />
<br />
As most everyone who reads this blog knows, I had a bilateral mastectomy on September 22nd. I chose not to do reconstruction for reasons explained previously in this blog. I opted instead for external fake boobs. So this morning I trekked all the way to Superior Medical in Woodbury to be fitted for new bras and breast forms. Needless to say, I was a bit nervous going in. I mean...fake boobs? How does THAT work?<br />
<br />
It's a strange experience having another woman assist you with trying on bras. I mean, historically speaking, I have not typically needed assistance putting on a bra. And I've never been for a customized bra fitting, so it was weird standing there naked from the waist up chatting about my boobs (or lack thereof) with a total stranger. And in public! We were in a private room, of course - a very nice room, actually - but it wasn't home, so it felt quite public standing there topless.<br />
<br />
The woman who did my fitting was extremely nice. We began with, "So, what size do you want to be?" That was an easy enough question. I had already decided on a C cup. My old boobs were a D cup and I always thought they were entirely too big for my taste. Smaller seemed better, but I am pretty certain a B cup would have done nothing to hide the giant belly that seemed to appear out of the nowhere after my mastectomy surgery. (Ruanita delicately informed me that it had been there all along and I just couldn't see it over my boobs. Sounds sketchy to me.) So a C cup seemed the only way to go.<br />
<br />
Within the C cup range, there were multiple bra options. Being 44 years old and married for almost 20 years, I tend to favor utility over aesthetics when it comes to a bra. When asked for what I was looking for in a bra, I immediately answered, "Comfort." The woman assisting me (I am horrible at names) reached for the granniest industrial-strength bra she could find in an appealing-in-a-completely-potato-sack-sort-of-way beige color. It was a silky, stretchy fabric with no adornment whatsoever. In other words, nothing special. But when I put it on (compared to other bras I tried on), WOW was it comfy. And no underwire. And no seams across the cup. <br />
<br />
Granny bra for the win!<br />
<br />
Once I had a bra picked out, it was time to move on to breast forms. It's pretty cool the way the breast forms work. The mastectomy bras have a pocket opening on the outside of the cup that the breast form slips right into. They are pretty easy to get in and out. The breast forms that would fit a C cup bra came in a couple different sizes and shapes. The first ones we tried didn't quite entirely fill out the bra, so we moved to a bit larger size that fit better. We also tried one that was just as large, but wider and flatter. Not as perky. I opted for the less wide but perkier option. It seemed to fit the best in the bra. <br />
<br />
The breast forms themselves are funny looking things. They're made of silicone. At $400 <i>apiece,</i> they should be made of gold. (Thank goodness for insurance.) The breast forms are very squishy. Kind of like moon sand. Lay them flat on a table and they look like a shar-pei's back side.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-z7SjCN4yuVo/WBjz7n8yhzI/AAAAAAAACpE/OrbRbjFFqs0q6KQ_O2o2KF6PaXO30J-lQCLcB/s1600/Boobs5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="328" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-z7SjCN4yuVo/WBjz7n8yhzI/AAAAAAAACpE/OrbRbjFFqs0q6KQ_O2o2KF6PaXO30J-lQCLcB/s400/Boobs5.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
But hold them in your hand or against your chest and they are perfectly boob shaped. They even have a little built-in nipple.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-o_bNPEtkjXI/WBj0zrRT4GI/AAAAAAAACpI/Evwhlxgm1msHYFx2e24EvZt2OKcje1BkQCLcB/s1600/Boobs6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-o_bNPEtkjXI/WBj0zrRT4GI/AAAAAAAACpI/Evwhlxgm1msHYFx2e24EvZt2OKcje1BkQCLcB/s400/Boobs6.jpg" width="288" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
And they came with the cutest darn storage boxes. They look like old-timey hat boxes - except for boobs. Pink booby boxes. They have a little mesh hammock inside for the breast forms to rest in. How cool is that? <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8sWOArJswrk/WBjsO_0PIVI/AAAAAAAACow/a8CTmsUPmgYKXQgWl-bedokW0aOqo_rSgCLcB/s1600/Boobs3%2B%25284%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8sWOArJswrk/WBjsO_0PIVI/AAAAAAAACow/a8CTmsUPmgYKXQgWl-bedokW0aOqo_rSgCLcB/s400/Boobs3%2B%25284%2529.jpg" width="285" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
So as I sit here writing this, I am wearing my new boobs and they are pretty amazingly real looking - at least with a shirt on. Much perkier than my old boobs were at the time of their unfortunate demise. And they are the exact same size! First time in my life that my boobs have been the same size. The only issue I have found so far is that it's hard to keep from touching them. That's something I'll have to work on. They're just so darn squishy. Like bread dough. <br />
<br />
Kneading your own boobs in public is typically frowned upon, right? <br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-61134781075985922032016-10-17T20:35:00.004-05:002016-10-17T20:35:58.993-05:00Broken<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
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</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
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It's been a very long time since I
last wrote in this blog. I have sat down at my keyboard numerous times to write, but
nothing came. No words materialized. I want to tell you all about my surgery. I
want to tell you about my recovery. I want to tell you everything I've been
through and everything that is yet to come. But it's surprisingly hard to find
the words to describe the things that break us. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
And I am broken. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
As anyone who has read this blog
knows, I had a double mastectomy with axillary dissection on September 22<sup>nd</sup>
– three and a half weeks ago. I went into the surgery feeling surprisingly
strong. Chemo had been physically exhausting, but I was mentally tenacious. I
was optimistic about having the worst behind me. Sure, chemo was a pain in the
ass, but I was proud of myself for having made it through. Heading into surgery,
I felt a tiny bit invincible. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
On the day of my surgery, the
operating rooms were backed up, so my surgery started two hours late. I didn’t mind
too much. I was in no hurry, really. I laid in my bed in pre-op and listened to
Ruanita make ridiculous jokes as she paced back and forth. She was much more
nervous than I was. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
The surgery itself lasted two
seconds – at least from my perspective. I remember scootching from my bed onto
the operating table. That is the last thing I remember. I woke up in recovery a
few hours later wrapped in large gauze pads and an Ace bandage with drains
dangling from either side of my chest. I was oriented x3 and almost immediately
taken to my room for my overnight stay. I was not in pain. Surprisingly, I felt
no pain at all. To the dismay of both the evening nurse and the overnight nurse,
I never once asked for my “as needed” pain medicine. Of course, I felt stupidly
overconfident. I was convinced surgery was going to be a breeze after what I
had been through. I didn’t even need pain meds, after all.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The next
day, I went home and the fun began. For two weeks, Ruanita emptied my drains
twice a day religiously. She changed my gauze. She ushered the kids away from me.
She helped me in and out of the shower. She dressed me. She tucked me into my daughter’s
twin bed at night before heading upstairs to sleep in our big queen bed all alone.
I could only lay on my back. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t grab
another blanket when I got cold. Getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle
of the night, I broke out in a cold sweat. Getting back in bed resulted in
tears every time. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The drains
became my worst enemy. Sewed into my sides and dangling down to my knees, the
drains were in the way at all times. I never realized how much I move my torso
on a daily basis. Every tiny move I made pulled on the drains or twisted the
drains or bumped the drains. I would cry out in pain and Ruanita would come
running. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Are
you okay? What’s wrong?!” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Nothing,”
I would reply. “I’m fine.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I’m
fine” became my mantra in the weeks following surgery, but it was far from the
truth. It’s just easier to say that I am fine than trying to explain how I am
anything but. It’s hard to put into words how pain wears on you. How a body can
betray you. How you start to wonder if you can ever trust your body again. I
lost myself there for a while. It’s something that few understand and that’s nearly
impossible to explain. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">My
chest is not my own. I didn’t think I would miss my breasts. I was never a
great fan to begin with. They were always <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">too</i>
big. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Too</i> in the way. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Too</i>…just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">too</i> much. And I don’t miss them, believe it or not. I was never one
of those women who thought my breasts made me. I don’t define myself in that
way. So no, I don’t miss my breasts.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">But
I miss my softness. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">My
chest is hard. Lumpy. I feel as though I am wearing an iron breast plate all
the time. And with every move, it pokes me. It prods at me. When I lay on my
side, there is nothing soft about me anymore. When I try to snuggle against
Ruanita in the night, it is my hard chest against her hard spine. Bone bumping
against bone. No softness. No suppleness. Nothing that I recognize as me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
surgery is over and done. My incisions are beginning to itch – a sure sign of
healing. I had my drains removed a week and a half ago, but I still have a
large amount of fluid pooling in my chest. I had an ultrasound aspiration done last
Thursday and will likely have another one on Wednesday of this week. My surgeon
is talking about putting in a smaller drain on the left until my body is able
to absorb the fluid on its own. At this point, I no longer seem to care. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I am
cancer free today. My surgeon removed all of the cancer they were able to see
with clear margins on all sides. I should celebrate this fact, but I find myself crying
instead. Of the 14 lymph nodes removed from my left armpit, 7 were still cancerous.
Though not tragic, this was not exactly the result my oncologist was hoping
for, so we are going on the offensive. We are choosing to be aggressive in our
efforts to keep the cancer from coming back. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Beginning
in November, I will undergo 6 weeks of daily radiation treatment. After
radiation, the plan is to completely shut down my ovaries – either chemically
or surgically (we have yet to decide). My type of cancer needs hormones to
grow, so turning off my hormones will, theoretically, stop the growth of any
future cancer. I will then receive a medication called Anastrozole and another
drug whose name escapes me at the moment for ten years to suppress estrogen and
progesterone in my body. I will also be participating in a 5-year clinical
trial for a drug called Palbociclib that is currently approved for use with women
who have stage 4 breast cancer. The trial is to determine if there are benefits
for women with stage 3 breast cancer. The clinical trial will include plenty of
additional office visits and lab work. But hey, advancing scientific research
is a good thing, right? All of this will take place in the hopes that cancer
will never rear its ugly head anywhere near me again. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Long
story short, we are nowhere near done. My oncologist told me that, although he
considers me cancer-free right now, he will not call me “cured” until I have
gone ten years without a recurrence.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Ten
years. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Where
will I be ten years from now? WHO will I be? When all is said and done, I can’t
be the same person I was before. Physically. Mentally. Chemically. Hormonally. I am a
different person altogether. I will never again be the woman I was in March of
2016. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">And I miss her. Every day I miss her. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-4511009830332586962016-08-31T20:37:00.004-05:002016-08-31T21:20:15.386-05:00Update from the In-Between<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gwIfcTBiEj4/V8eFXcsRtdI/AAAAAAAACng/MfQRZkdXeBcJtqpzAyU9C_cXoVjev4W1QCLcB/s1600/Blog1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="253" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gwIfcTBiEj4/V8eFXcsRtdI/AAAAAAAACng/MfQRZkdXeBcJtqpzAyU9C_cXoVjev4W1QCLcB/s320/Blog1.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">It’s been a while since I posted a new blog, so I thought it might be
time to update everyone on how I am doing, </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">So…how AM I doing?</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">It’s hard to say. I am doing both really well and annoying NOT so well.
</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I’m not sick, so that’s a good thing. Today I took what will hopefully
be my very last steroid pill. The weaning has been completed. So now I wait to
see if the weird, leprosy-like rash comes back with a vengeance again. Fingers
crossed it does not. My face really can’t possibly get any rounder without me running
the very real risk of taking flight like a balloon up into the late summer sk<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">y (see photographic evidence above), so I'd very <span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">much</span> like <span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">to be done wi<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">th steroids, thank you very much. </span></span></span>
</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I am generally still puffy all over. I’ve gained 12 pounds since chemo
started way back in April, but it feels more like 30 or 40. My clothes are
tight. My belly is protruding like it’s never protruded in my entire life. Once
my boobs are gone, my belly will appear even bigger. I will seriously be round.
Or at least oval shaped. Like a hot air balloon. Or a watermelon. Or a large
silver platter piled high with Pepperidge Farms Pumpkin Cheesecake cookies.
Mmmm…now I am hungry. But that’s nothing new. I am hungry most of the time. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">My eyebrows and eyelashes are completely gone. I can’t even begin to tell you
how annoying it is that they are the last of the hair to go. Just as I finish
chemo and am intent on feeling normal again, I look sicker than I ever have. And
since they were the last to go, they will likely be the last to grow back in.
Ugh. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Unlike my eyebrows and eyelashes, the hair on my head has started
growing back, but only on the right side. I have an absolute <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ton of hair</i> growing in on the right side
of my head. It is course and fuzzy – sort of salt and peppery, to my dismay –
and long enough now for me to tug on it. But I have no hair whatsoever on the
left side or on the top of my head. I am debating shaving my head again so it
all comes in evenly, but I hate the thought of shaving off perfectly good hair
that is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">actually growing</i> on my
head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it will even out on its own?
Or maybe I will rock a cool, hipster asymmetrical look?</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I’m excited I have hair growing, but because it’s only growing on one
side of my head – and because I am still 95% totally egghead bald – I still
feel compelled to wear a hat or head scarf when I leave my house. If I were
braver, I would just go bald, but I am not that comfortable in my own (shiny,
hairless) skin. I probably will wear a hat for many months to come. I have come
to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">loathe</i> all of the cute hats
friends have knitted for me. Even the thinnest of fabric feels like I am
wearing a fur-lined wool mukluk hat. In the heat of summer. I sweat in a most
unattractive way. It’s embarrassing and really quite ridiculous. Of course I couldn’t
be one of these cancer patients who get thin and frail and who is constantly wrapped
in a blanket. No, not me. I am big and bulky and…sweaty. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I still get easily fatigued two weeks after my last chemo. Actually
“easily fatigued” doesn’t even describe it. I can barely walk up the steps to
my bedroom withOut huffing and puffing and feeling like I may very well pass out. Ruanita
has been doing our grocery shopping lately because I’ve not had the stamina to
do it. Last week, however, I decided that I felt good enough to go to Target
all by myself to pick up a few things. I walked around the store for maybe 30
minutes at the most, and I was completely and totally exhausted by the time I
got home. I actually had to lie down for a couple of hours to recover. It is
totally ridiculous. Between the fatigue and the bloatedness and the bald head
and the sweat, I feel like the ugliest, laziest, largest obese man who ever lived! </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">How's that for a positive body image? </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">And it's not just my body. I have also discovered that “chemo brain” is real. I find myself
struggling for words sometimes. Or I completely say the absolute wrong word. In
my mind, I said the right word, but Ruanita and the kids are constantly
correcting me because I am using wrong words. And sometimes the words are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not even close</i> to what I meant to say.
But I say them with such confidence. Like I totally said the right word. Just a few minutes ago, I meant to say "fan" but instead said "map" and didn't even notice until Sophie pointed it out. It’s
really weird. I’ve also found that the effects of chemo – including chemo brain
– are affecting my driving, which is something I didn’t expect at all. My grip
on the steering wheel is tenuous at best and my mind seems to wonder off when I
am driving. Like I sort of zone out. I’ve run into more curbs than I care to mention. I
do not feel confident behind the wheel at all these days, which sucks because I
don’t feel very confident with Ruanita behind the wheel either. Let’s just say
she is a rather…umm…err…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">aggressive</i>
driver. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Because I have finished chemo (and I am anxious to reduce the huge
number of pills I take daily), I discussed reducing my meds with my oncologist
at our appointment last week. He said that if I did not feel the Gabapentin
(Neurontin) was helping I could cut out my nighttime dose and only take it in
the morning. So I did. I am beginning to think that was a mistake. The
neuropathy in my hands and feet seem to be worse now than it has ever been
since I started chemo. My left hand is almost useless. It is numb from my wrist
to my fingertips most of the time. And not just numb. Numb and tingly – like
the pins and needles you feel when your foot falls asleep. Only it refuses to
wake up. My right hand isn’t quite as bad, but it’s not good either. My fingers
are numb quite often.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They tingle. They burn
a bit. My fingernails ache. I drop things a lot. I have trouble gripping
anything, particularly with my left hand. Opening bottles or jars is hard. Even
light things will just fall out of my hand. It’s annoying, to say the least. I
do not know for sure if the increase in the neuropathy is a result of the
decrease in my Gabapentin or if it is merely the end result of 20 weeks of
chemo. I am going back on the full dose of Gabapentin and we’ll see how it
goes. The worst part of the neuropathy is that it may be a full year before I
feel any real, significant relief.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Good times. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Okay, I know I sound mostly negative. I am more annoyed than anything,
but I am not really feeling negative, per se. I’m just frustrated that I don’t seem to
be getting back to normal as quickly as I would like. Intellectually, I realize
that it will take time – probably quite a long time – before I feel normal
again. Emotionally, however, I want to be normal today. Right now. This very
minute. Before bedtime, please. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I am trying to focus on the positive. With chemo, I went from 10.1 cm
of disease in my left breast to 1.9 cm of disease. The chemo did <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">exactly</i> what it was meant to do in my
case. It killed the cancer. With my surgery scheduled for September 22<sup>nd</sup>,
we will remove the last of the cancer. Radiation will follow and, fingers
crossed, I will be given a completely clean bill of health just in time to
celebrate the holidays with my freaking awesome family. God willing, I will
look back on this experience as just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ONE
YEAR</i> in my life. One year that showed me how unexpectedly strong (seriously...totally unexpected) I really am. One year
that showed me how amazing and generous people can be. One year that made me
fall in love with the indomitable woman I married over and over and over again.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One year that brought me closer to my
hilarious, brilliant, kind children. One year that showed me that my mother
will always, always have my back. Just. One. Year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Like my mom always says, “You can put up with shit in your shoes for
one year.” (You gotta love Southern momma colloquialisms, right?)</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">This has certainly been a shitty year, but it can only go up from here.
</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-7268647546355581412016-08-31T20:37:00.003-05:002016-08-31T20:42:23.972-05:00Update After Chemo<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gwIfcTBiEj4/V8eFXcsRtdI/AAAAAAAACng/MfQRZkdXeBcJtqpzAyU9C_cXoVjev4W1QCLcB/s1600/Blog1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="253" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gwIfcTBiEj4/V8eFXcsRtdI/AAAAAAAACng/MfQRZkdXeBcJtqpzAyU9C_cXoVjev4W1QCLcB/s320/Blog1.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">It’s been a while since I posted a new blog, so I thought it might be
time to update everyone on how I am doing, </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">So…how AM I doing?</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">It’s hard to say. I am doing both really well and annoying NOT so well.
</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I’m not sick, so that’s a good thing. Today I took what will hopefully
be my very last steroid pill. The weaning has been completed. So now I wait to
see if the weird, leprosy-like rash comes back with a vengeance again. Fingers
crossed it does not. My face really can’t possibly get any rounder without me running
the very real risk of taking flight like a balloon up into the late summer sky.
</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I am generally still puffy all over. I’ve gained 12 pounds since chemo
started way back in April, but it feels more like 30 or 40. My clothes are
tight. My belly is protruding like it’s never protruded in my entire life. Once
my boobs are gone, my belly will appear even bigger. I will seriously be round.
Or at least oval shaped. Like a hot air balloon. Or a watermelon. Or a large
silver platter piled high with Pepperidge Farms Pumpkin Cheesecake cookies.
Mmmm…now I am hungry. But that’s nothing new. I am hungry most of the time. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">My eyebrows and eyelashes are completely gone. I can’t even begin to tell you
how annoying it is that they are the last of the hair to go. Just as I finish
chemo and am intent on feeling normal again, I look sicker than I ever have. And
since they were the last to go, they will likely be the last to grow back in.
Ugh. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Unlike my eyebrows and eyelashes, the hair on my head has started
growing back, but only on the right side. I have an absolute <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ton of hair</i> growing in on the right side
of my head. It is course and fuzzy – sort of salt and peppery, to my dismay –
and long enough now for me to tug on it. But I have no hair whatsoever on the
left side or on the top of my head. I am debating shaving my head again so it
all comes in evenly, but I hate the thought of shaving off perfectly good hair
that is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">actually growing</i> on my
head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it will even out on its own?
Or maybe I will rock a cool, hipster asymmetrical look?</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I’m excited I have hair growing, but because it’s only growing on one
side of my head – and because I am still 95% totally egghead bald – I still
feel compelled to wear a hat or head scarf when I leave my house. If I were
braver, I would just go bald, but I am not that comfortable in my own (shiny,
hairless) skin. I probably will wear a hat for many months to come. I have come
to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">loathe</i> all of the cute hats
friends have knitted for me. Even the thinnest of fabric feels like I am
wearing a fur-lined wool mukluk hat. In the heat of summer. I sweat in a most
unattractive way. It’s embarrassing and really quite ridiculous. Of course I couldn’t
be one of these cancer patients who get thin and frail and who is constantly wrapped
in a blanket. No, not me. I am big and bulky and…sweaty. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I still get easily fatigued two weeks after my last chemo. Actually
“easily fatigued” doesn’t even describe it. I can barely walk up the steps to
my bedroom with huffing and puffing and feeling like I may very well pass out. Ruanita
has been doing our grocery shopping lately because I’ve not had the stamina to
do it. Last week, however, I decided that I felt good enough to go to Target
all by myself to pick up a few things. I walked around the store for maybe 30
minutes at the most, and I was completely and totally exhausted by the time I
got home. I actually had to lie down for a couple of hours to recover. It is
totally ridiculous. Between the fatigue and the bloatedness and the bald head
and the sweat, I feel like the ugliest, laziest, largest obese man who ever lived! </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">How's that for a positive body image? </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">And it's not just my body. I have also discovered that “chemo brain” is real. I find myself
struggling for words sometimes. Or I completely say the absolute wrong word. In
my mind, I said the right word, but Ruanita and the kids are constantly
correcting me because I am using wrong words. And sometimes the words are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not even close</i> to what I meant to say.
But I say them with such confidence. Like I totally said the right word. It’s
really weird. I’ve also found that the effects of chemo – including chemo brain
– are affecting my driving, which is something I didn’t expect at all. My grip
on the steering wheel is tenuous at best and my mind seems to wonder off when I
am driving. Like I sort of zone out. I’ve run into more curbs than I care to mention. I
do not feel confident behind the wheel at all these days, which sucks because I
don’t feel very confident with Ruanita behind the wheel either. Let’s just say
she is a rather…umm…err…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">aggressive</i>
driver. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Because I have finished chemo (and I am anxious to reduce the huge
number of pills I take daily), I discussed reducing my meds with my oncologist
at our appointment last week. He said that if I did not feel the Gabapentin
(Neurontin) was helping I could cut out my nighttime dose and only take it in
the morning. So I did. I am beginning to think that was a mistake. The
neuropathy in my hands and feet seem to be worse now than it has ever been
since I started chemo. My left hand is almost useless. It is numb from my wrist
to my fingertips most of the time. And not just numb. Numb and tingly – like
the pins and needles you feel when your foot falls asleep. Only it refuses to
wake up. My right hand isn’t quite as bad, but it’s not good either. My fingers
are numb quite often.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They tingle. They burn
a bit. My fingernails ache. I drop things a lot. I have trouble gripping
anything, particularly with my left hand. Opening bottles or jars is hard. Even
light things will just fall out of my hand. It’s annoying, to say the least. I
do not know for sure if the increase in the neuropathy is a result of the
decrease in my Gabapentin or if it is merely the end result of 20 weeks of
chemo. I am going back on the full dose of Gabapentin and we’ll see how it
goes. The worst part of the neuropathy is that it may be a full year before I
feel any real, significant relief.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Good times. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Okay, I know I sound mostly negative. I am more annoyed than anything,
but I am not really feeling negative, per se. I’m just frustrated that I don’t seem to
be getting back to normal as quickly as I would like. Intellectually, I realize
that it will take time – probably quite a long time – before I feel normal
again. Emotionally, however, I want to be normal today. Right now. This very
minute. Before bedtime, please. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I am trying to focus on the positive. With chemo, I went from 10.1 cm
of disease in my left breast to 1.9 cm of disease. The chemo did <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">exactly</i> what it was meant to do in my
case. It killed the cancer. With my surgery scheduled for September 22<sup>nd</sup>,
we will remove the last of the cancer. Radiation will follow and, fingers
crossed, I will be given a completely clean bill of health just in time to
celebrate the holidays with my freaking awesome family. God willing, I will
look back on this experience as just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ONE
YEAR</i> in my life. One year that showed me how unexpectedly strong (seriously...totally unexpected) I really am. One year
that showed me how amazing and generous people can be. One year that made me
fall in love with the indomitable woman I married over and over and over again.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One year that brought me closer to my
hilarious, brilliant, kind children. One year that showed me that my mother
will always, always have my back. Just. One. Year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Like my mom always says, “You can put up with shit in your shoes for
one year.” (You gotta love Southern momma colloquialisms, right?)</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">This has certainly been a shitty year, but it can only go up from here.
</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2670890232815989947.post-39491279274994917642016-08-19T13:46:00.000-05:002016-08-19T14:24:46.848-05:00Drumroll please....<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Alleluia! </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Alleluia! </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Aaaaaaalle-luuu-ia!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">(This decidedly non-religious girl is having a religious moment.)</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
had a<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> great</i> appointment with my
surgeon this morning. I have said all along that I’ve felt positive about this
whole thing. More positive than my family. More positive than my friends. More
positive even than my wife, who has spent every moment of the last five months
worrying about losing me. Somehow, I’ve never once seriously thought<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">,</span> <i>I am
going to die from this cancer.</i> I’ve always felt that it would be difficult – I
mean <b>Stage 3 breast cancer is <i>certainly</i> <span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not
fun</span></b> – but that it is something I could get through. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From the beginning, I had no justification for
feeling this way. I had no sound reasoning for feeling so positive. I just knew
in my heart of hearts that this might break me, but it wouldn’t kill me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Today,
my stupid optimism has been somewhat vindicated. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
first thing my surgeon said when she came into the exam room today was, “You’re
MRI looks fabulous!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">My
initial breast MRI five months ago showed one relatively small-ish tumor, but an additional 10.1 cm
of cancer spread throughout all four quadrants of the breast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Basically, my entire left breast was oozing
with cancer cells. That is why we opted to do chemo first and po<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">stpone </span>surgery. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Yesterday’s
MRI showed none of the disease that had been in all four quadrants, and only a
1.9 cm tumor. My cancer shrank from 10.1 cm to 1.9 cm. I went from complete and
total cancer infestation to one relatively small tumor less than 2 cm wide. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">That
is fucking phenomenal!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">All
these five months of miserable chemo seem to have payed off.<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> The chemo did it<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">s job. </span></span>And even better,
it DID NOT KILL ME.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">So
now we move into stage 2 of my cancer treatment. We discussed all of the
surgical options at length today with my surgeon (who is the same age as me and
who I think could totally be my new BFF if we didn’t have the whole
doctor/patient dynamic going on). Because my cancer has shrunk so
significantly, I am now a candidate for a lumpectomy. We
discussed the pros and cons of lumpectomy surgery versus mastectomy surgery a<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">t</span> length<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">.</span> Though both surgeries have the exact same
cancer survival rates, the lumpectomy <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">c</span>ould slightly increase the risk of recurrence
of cancer in my left breast. There would be a slightly higher chance I would have to
go through this all again, but no higher risk of metastatic breast cancer,
which is the real danger.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’ve
opted to go ahead with the mastectomy rather than the lumpectomy. While the
return of cancer in my breast will not kill me, it’s one hell of a buzz kill.
And one hell of a hassle for everyone involved. So I am opt<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">ing</span> to minimize that outcome as much as possible. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">For
symmetry’s sake and because I am rather large chested and could end up quite
unbalanced and wonky-looking (that's a scientific term, by the way), I am opting for a bilateral mastectomy. Take them both, baby!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Because
the original cancer was in all three levels of my lymph nodes, we are going to
remove the first two levels of lymph node<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">s in my left armpit, as well.</span> They can’t remove all three levels
because that will <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">give me pretty close to a 100% chance of developing</span> lymphedema. Removing two
levels, however, only gives me a 30-35% chance of developing lymphedema. I can
live with that. I will also see an occupational therapist to talk about
lymphedema prevention and exercises I will need to do as I heal. So I feel like all bases will be covered in that regard.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Finally,
we discussed reconstruction at length. I made a decision several weeks ago and
I am sticking to it. I was lying in bed wide awake at 4am one morning and had
an epiphany. I decided in that moment that I did not want to have
reconstructive surgery. I even woke Ruanita up to tell her…at 4:00 in the
morning. She was highly amused, as you can imagine. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Here’s the thing…I really just don’t care about my boobs at this point
in my life. I can’t imagine having implants. They have no sensation. They don’t
feel real. They require additional surgeries. They cause additional pain and
longer recovery times. I just feel so done with all of this and don’t want to
drag it out with additional procedures. My doctor was amazing and encouraged me
to think about how I want to see myself in 5 or 10 years. And when I did that,
I just felt no attachment to – or interest in – boobs. I can wear prosthetics. I
can just live flat. I have options. And no additional pain or surgery. No
additional opportunities for complications.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_jbF8KGiiKg/V7dTNwxb_II/AAAAAAAACnA/gc31BpGVaOExbumVEJ1JmfVbzOz0LNOBgCEw/s1600/Good%2BVibes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_jbF8KGiiKg/V7dTNwxb_II/AAAAAAAACnA/gc31BpGVaOExbumVEJ1JmfVbzOz0LNOBgCEw/s400/Good%2BVibes.jpg" width="298" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I am
100<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">% </span>content with my decision.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">So,
all that said, I have surgery scheduled for September 22<sup>nd</sup>. The
chemo is still working in my body at this point, so we are going to give it a
couple of weeks to keep working and couple of weeks for me to recover a tad
before surgery. My surgeon recommended that I take four weeks off from work for
recovery following surgery, so I intend to take every minute of that. I WILL
have radiation after surgery, but the length and schedule for my radiation will
be determined after<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> surgery</span>. I also need to talk to my oncologist about the possibility having my
ovaries removed to suppress the hormones that seem to feed my kind of cancer. That
would be a separate surgery done at a different date. I also need to talk to my
oncologist about having my port removed, which can happen at the same time as
my mastectomy. </span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">All
in all, today was a day of very good news. I am thrilled about the chemo results
and I am happy to have a plan in place for the next phase of treatment. I see a
light at the end of the tunnel<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">!</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">And
I still feeling stupidly, ridiculously positive. </span></div>
</div>
Shannon Ralphhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11239051298750629673noreply@blogger.com2