Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Inner Filters Be Damned!

I had a coworker make the following comment to me in the ladies' room today. "Wow, you sure are getting some gray hair, aren't you?" Really? People actually say things like that to one another? All of these years...I had no idea that I could just say whatever thought crossed my mind, regardless of how it might make others feel. All this time, I've been using my inner filter because I was unaware that I could do otherwise. Now that I know inner filters are an unnecessary burden, it opens up a whole new world for me. My mind has been awakened to the possibilities. As I type this, my brain is flooding with snarky comments that I have wanted to make in recent days, but resisted the urge out of some unfounded belief in protecting people's feelings. No more, I say!

To that coworker who commented on my gray hair: I realize it was St Patrick's Day last week and you probably thought the green suspenders were festive. However, women with bellies and big boobs should really avoid suspenders at all costs, festive or not.

To the woman at Byerly's who asked me if Sophie & Nicholas were identical twins: Seriously? Did you fail fourth grade biology? Well....aside from the whole penis thing...sure...ok...they're identical.

To Lucas: The little girl you think is absolutely beautiful at school is actually....not. And the fact that she can wear a braid in her hair without a barrette of any sort to hold it in is proof positive that her mother does not believe in washing her hair. I've met her mother and she is certifiably crazy...I suspect that "Beth" (names have been changed to protect the innocent) inherited some of that. You could do better.

To the guy at Brueggers making my bagel sandwich: Really? 10 minutes to throw together a bagel sandwich? I don't think bagel prep is your calling. Perhaps you should look for a job where time does not exist? Perhaps Neverland?

To the mom I see every day picking up her son at Lucas' school: Big black tattoos on your boobs were in no way a good idea. At least have the common decency to pretend that you regret that decision and cover those things when you come to pick up your son from school. And it's March in Minnesota, for God's sake...not July in Cancun!

To the woman in the doctor's office the other day: Please stop texting your BFF and pick your screaming kid up off of the floor. At least acknowledge him, if nothing else. He's really annoying the rest of us.

To the slow-talking man who was my first phone call at work this morning: Before you pick up a telephone to dial a business, please first make certain that you can form a coherent sentence. If you cannot ask a simple question without an unnecessary 15-minute pre-story, hang up and step away from the phone. And please, tell me that you have not infected the human gene pool by procreating!

To the weird woman who wanted to chat me up at the grocery store: I have enough friends already, thank you. And you smell funny.

Wow...how liberating! I like it. A new me. A free, uninhibited Shannon.

On a somewhat related note, I have every intention of coloring my gray hair. I just have yet to find the time.


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