Resolution Overload

Wow.

That was quite a blogging hiatus, huh?

As you may or may not have noticed, my last blog post was on December 18th. I completely missed Christmas. I totally overlooked New Year’s. I even missed the Epiphany. I apologize, my peeps. I won’t get into the gory details about why exactly I have been MIA for the last twenty-two days. Let’s just suffice it to say that my entire family has been in self-imposed isolation related to a particularly ugly virus. And leave it at that. No need to get into the phlegmy details.

So I find myself finally re-entering the land of the living and attempting to resume blogging on January 9th. What should I write about? Christmas was kind of boring this year. Not much to report. Ruanita worked on New Year’s Eve and I was in bed by 9:00pm. Nothing exciting to tell you there. I suppose I could, as I have for the last several years, share my New Year’s Resolutions with you.

I decided to go big this year. Go big or stay at home, right? I’ve decided that, frankly speaking, I need some work. Some real work. Your everyday garden variety resolutions just aren’t going to cut it this year. “Losing weight” or “reading more books” or “exercising”—these are just the tip of the iceberg. I need a complete overhaul. Therefore, I am resolving to make multiple life-altering changes this year. Below you will find my 2013 New Year’s Resolutions.

1. I resolve to kick my bagel habit. Once and for all, I will shed the shackles of Bruegger’s asiago and parmesan perfection.
2. I resolve to try to like tea for the 463rd time. Even if I have to choke the putrid liquid down, I am damned and determined to cultivate my tea-drinker-nose-in-a-book-philosophical-intellectual-snooty-holier-than-thou persona.
3. I resolve to do less laundry and use more deodorant. Laundry is stifling. It gets in the way of everything. It sucks the time and the energy and the very life out of a person. And, simply put, I hate it.
4. I am going to stop cooking with heavy whipping cream. No more rich mashed potatoes. No more ultra creamy pasta dishes. Instead, I will whip the cream and eat it with copious amounts of chocolate. As God intended.
5. I resolve to stop being a hypocrite. When I tell Nicholas that he has had enough screen time for the day without taking my eyes off my own phone, it screams of hypocrisy that even a six year old can’t ignore. And doesn’t ignore. 
6. I resolve to work with neglected children. I will begin with my own.
7. I resolve to take up an exciting new habit. Perhaps knitting. Or stenciling. Or maybe smoking.
8. I resolve to spend less than $1825 on coffee this year.
9. I resolve to watch more cute and cuddly kitten videos on YouTube in 2013. I mean, what else am I going to do with all the free time I gain once I stop doing laundry?
10. I resolve to gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser. First and foremost, two words: Jillian Michaels. She can scream at me any day. Second, resolving to lose weight as I have for the last several years seems to have the opposite effect on me. Rather than shedding pounds, I am putting them on. And if I am going to gain weight, let’s go hog wild and just get it over with. No half-assed packing on the pounds for me. No way. If I am going to do it anyway, I may as well commit to doing it right. Right?
11. I resolve to try and drive at or under the speed limit. At least when I'm not tired. Or running late. Or even worse…hungry.
12. I resolve to enjoy the sweeter side of life. The side that includes M&M’s, cheesecake, candy corn, Sugar Babies, Hot Tamales...
13. I resolve to start listening to my children. Really listening. Even Nicholas who never stops talking and often causes me to develop an inexplicable urge to assume the fetal position underneath my kitchen table. I will even listen to Nicholas.
14. I resolve to start making my bed. For real.
15. I resolve to make a concerted effort to develop relationships with my coworkers. Even if I don't want to.
16. I resolve to shave my legs in 2013. At least once per quarter. Try as I might, I can’t quite carry off the Yeti look.
17. I resolve to manage my stress. Possibly by drinking more.
18. I resolve to start opening the envelopes the bank sends me. Even the ones with the mortgage bill in them.
19. I resolve to read to my children every night. Perhaps some Huffington Post. Kids like white, liberal, left-wing political humor, don't they?
20. I resolve to volunteer to help others. I’m going to help them curb their annoying habits. Like talking to me. And calling me. And looking at me.

Yep, 2013 is going to be a banner year for me.

I feel it.