Last Minute Christmas Gift Ideas

Today marks exactly one week until Christmas. Fear not! It is not too late to finish your Christmas shopping. It is not too late to find the perfect gift for the important people in your life. It is not even too late to order those gifts online, assuming you do not mind paying three times the cost of the item you are ordering in expedited shipping fees. So do not panic. All is still well. I am here to help you.

In an effort to make life a tiny bit easier for you, my beloved readers, I have perused the internet for you in search of the perfect gifts to thrill all of the people on your Christmas shopping list. And I have compiled them here in one easy access point. Please feel free to thank me by purchasing me #3 below.

1. For the feminist in your life…

A Hilary Nutcracker! Come on…it’s totally rad. And hilarious. And considering Hilary's uncanny ability to play with the big boys, it's pretty factually accurate, as well. I am actually considering buying it for my baby brother just to see the look on his face. $13.97

2. For the lead foot in your life…

A Dashboard Jesus! I have been, on more occasions than I care to remember, an unwilling passenger in a car driven by several of you reading this blog. Let’s just say that a little divine presence in your vehicle can’t hurt. $6.86

 

3. For your Redneck kin…

Well, Butter My Butt & Call Me A Biscuit…Doormat! I want one of these. Seriously. I'm not kidding. Feel free to buy me one. $17.00

 

4. For the deluded cat person in your life…

A Crazy Cat Lady action figure! We all know one, right? This 5-1/4" (13.3 cm) tall, hard vinyl Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure has a wild look in her eye and comes with six feral felines. $16.20

 

5. For the dweeb in your life…

A holiday Crocs Shoe Charm! I have officially decreed in the past that no post- pubescent human being is allowed to wear Crocs in my presence. Strangely, people in my life have been known to ignore my decrees. For those people, I have another announcement to make. I am officially decreeing today that you are getting this $4.28 Crocs charm from me for Christmas this year and nothing else.

 

6. For the political junkie in your life…

An Obama Chia! Freaky and somewhat frightening. Keep away from small children. And pets. And other creatures easily disturbed by creepy green afros.  $28.47

 

7. For the geek in your life…

Spaced Out: The Best of Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner CD! Spaced Out is a collection of 24 curiously compelling recording. Surreal soliloquies, mad monologues and peculiar parlance are all here! Hear Spock sing! Hear James T. Kirk 'rap'! Highly illogical, indeed. $13.08

 

8. For the man-child in your life…

Handerpants! Underpants for your hands! Kind of makes me glad I am a lesbian.

 

9. For the slobby schlub in your life…

Necktie Napkins! Don’t tell me you don’t know some people well past the average “bib” age who could benefit from these. You know the ones…the people who make you cringe when they invite you out to dinner. With this pack of 20 necktie napkins, dinner will no longer be an agonizing affair with the shlub in your life.

 

10. For the borderline unhinged people in your life…

A pocket therapist! Do your friends need more therapy than their allotted hourly meetings? Does your family call you incessantly with crisis after crisis after monotonous crisis? I’ve got you covered. The pocket therapist will get intimate with all their deepest, darkest feelings and focus on them. They can sit back, relax, and work their thoughts out with delicate questions that’ll soothe their anxieties. Phrases include:

"How does that make you feel?”

"Try to relax, it’s difficult I know.”

"Oh, I’m sorry. Do you have a PhD in psychology?”

"How is your relationship with your mother?”

"Are you familiar with the term castration anxiety?”

"Let’s go to your happy place.”

"No, I don’t think you’re crazy, per say. You’re just emotionally challenged.”

And more!  $14.99