Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It's the most wonderful time of the year
It's the hap-happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings
When friends come to call
It's the hap- happiest season of all. 

No, I am not talking about Christmas. I am talking about that most venerable time of the year. The holiday movie season. Every year, numerous new films open in theater across the country in the weeks that surround the holidays. Usually there is at least one that sounds pretty good to me. Rarely are there more than two that I want to see. This year, however, there are multiple movies coming out that I am dying to see. So the question becomes, who wants to babysit my three adorable little imps so I can go out to see the following films?

Zero Dark Thirty
This is the movie that chronicles the manhunt for Osama Bin Laden. It is directed by Kathryn Bigelow, the first woman to ever win an Oscar for directing. I never saw The Hurt Locker. It's on my To-Do list. But I feel like the least I can do is see at least one of Ms. Bigelow's films. You know...female solidarity and feminism and we-are-women-hear-us-roar and all of that good stuff. I also want to see it for a less virtuous and more hypocritical reason. I won't let my son have a Nerf gun, but I love a good shoot-'em-up movie as much as your average 15-year-old boy.

If I am being honest, however, there is really only ONE reason I want to see this movie. Jessica Chastain. I developed a huge crush on her in The Help. I think it's a southern thing. I mean...white trash Southern-Belle-wanna-be wearing bright red lipstick and being all pouty and down on her luck? There is not a lesbian south of the Mason-Dixon line who would not have been all over that shit. If I were in that movie, I would have shown up at her dilapidated plantation home honking the horn on my U-Haul yelling, “Come on girl! Grab that nasty-ass burnt fried chicken and hop in!” Yea...I must see this one.

Les Miserables
It's all dark and depressing and Gothic and tragic. You know...my kind of fun. And the music! Oh my God, the music! When I was in high school, I listened to the original Broadway cast recording of Les Miserables until I was totally convinced that I was Fantine. In my tight-rolled jeans and my Lacoste Oxford shirt belting out “I Dreamed a Dream” as loud as I could, I was a tragic 19th century heroine laying in a gutter in Paris. And by the way, if I were a gay man, my walls would be covered with life-sized posters of Hugh Jackman.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
I am totally a geek. I vividly recall sitting in the movie theater with Ruanita watching The Lord of the Rings gushing ad nauseum, “Look at that cinematography! Isn't it freaking amazing?!” Like I ever went to film school. Like I even have a clue what good cinematography looks like. I was trying to sound intellectual when all I really wanted to scream was, “Hobbits! Look at the cute wee little squishy Hobbits with their pointy ears and fuzzy feet and hearts of gold!” I love a good Hobbit movie. And the fact that there are wizards and elves and dwarfs and orcs and other weirdo creatures of Middle Earth is just icing on the cake! I definitely need to see this one on the big screen.

Silver Linings Playbook
This is one holiday movie that I have actually already seen. It was awesome. Seriously. It was hysterical and heartfelt and loopy and weird and lovely. Jennifer Lawrence is a mega star. And the fact that she is a native of Louisville, Kentucky makes me swell with some sort of inexplicable and completely unmerited pride. Bradley Cooper was phenomenal, too. And you just can't go wrong with Robert DeNiro. This was the best movie I've seen all year. Of course, I rarely get out to see a movie in the theater, but this was way better than all those episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess and Star Trek: Voyager that I have streamed on Netflix in recent weeks. A definite must-see.

Life of Pi
I want to see this one. But then I kind of don't. I mean...again with the cinematography. This looks like an amazingly gorgeous movie. Just pretty to look at, you know? But I am not so sure about the story. A boy discovering the meaning of life while trapped on a boat with a tiger. Sounds a little bit too Tom Hanks in Castaway for me. Then again, the director is Oscar winner Ang Lee, so it has to be more than just a pretty picture, right? I mean, this is the guy who directed Sense and Sensibility (Swoon...Emma Thompson AND Kate Winslet. A gay girl's Magic Mike equivalent!) , Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Brokeback Mountain. Three phenomenal films. Still....maybe I'll wait until this one comes out on DVD.

The Impossible
Noami Watts and Ewan McGregor in a true story about the 2004 Asian tsunami. Remember the tsunami? Remember all of the footage of homes and cars and livestock and families and lives being washed away in a gigantic wall of water? Remember Nate Berkus lost his boyfriend and he sat on Oprah's couch and we all cried big tears for him? It was all very tragic. This movie chronicles the experiences of one family caught up in all that tragedy and mayhem. There is Oscar buzz for Naomi Watts already. Sounds like a tear-jerker, but definitely worth seeing. I just need to make sure I am fully medicated for this one.

This is 40
This is the sort of sequel to Knocked Up. Kind of. I am not as much of an intellectual as I appear to be (shocking, I know) because I love me a good Judd Apatow movie. And I have a serious man-crush on Paul Rudd. If I was straight, I would definitely lust after him from afar. Besides that, the movie is called This is 40. And I am 40. So I think I am kind of legally obligated to go see it. There is a whole scene in the trailer where the couple is arguing while Paul Rudd is sitting on the toilet. That's kind of the story of my life. Sad, but true.

And Melissa McCarthy is in the movie, as well, and I think she is one of the funniest humans on Earth. Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy. There is a threshold of suckiness that the movie is simply incapable of falling below based on the mere presence of those two actors on the screen. In other words, even if it sucks, it can't suck THAT bad. Right? And I have the feeling that it not going to suck at all.

The Guilt Trip
Barbra Streisand. Need I say more?

The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn – Part 2
Yes, I admit it. I want to see this movie. But not because I intend to enjoy it. Or that I harbor any misconceptions that it'll be good. As a matter of fact, I just watched Breaking Dawn – Part 1 on video a couple of weeks ago when I was sad and lonely. It was a Saturday night and Ruanita was at work and the kids were all in bed. It may very well have been one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I mean....it was two hours long and basically nothing happened. The entire story could have been told in 15 minutes. She gets pregnant. She is sick. Vampires babies are an abomination. She has the baby. And she dies...but not really. I mean, that's it. It was lot of Kristin Stewart sitting around looking ill. In other words, a lot of Kristin Stewart looking like Kristin Stewart.

That being said, I feel that I need to see Part 2 simply because I have seen all of the other Twilight movies and I hate to stop now without finishing the series. I hate unfinished business. Plus, Part 2 has the Volturi in it, which will surely bring a little life to the film (pun intended). They are kind of cool and badass with their red eyes and snarky attitudes. And they feed on people which, though morally corrupt, is a bit cooler than the perky “vegetarian” Cullens. I mean, we all know people we wouldn't mind introducing to the Volturi, right? I suppose we'll see how it goes. Considering that there is no way in hell I am going to convince Ruanita to pay a theater ticket price to see this movie, it may end up being a rental, too.

Hyde Park on Hudson
I love Bill Murray. And Laura Linney is another one of my snobbish-intellectual-film-festival lesbian crushes. And there are British accents in this movie. British. Accents. I mean...even Breaking Dawn – Part 1 would have probably been watchable with British accents. Am I right? And it is set in 1939. Who doesn't love a good period piece? The costumes alone will make it worth watching in my opinion. And did I mention that Bill Murray is in this movie? I have to see this one.

I really want to see this movie. Ruanita really does not. I think it would be super cool to learn more about the political wrangling behind Lincoln's push to end the war, unite the country and abolish slavery. I am intrigued by the Civil War period. And I am fascinated by Lincoln as a man and a president. And Sally Field is in this movie, for God's sake! I have adored Sally Field since she was a flying nun. I would see it for her presence in the film alone. I am afraid I may have to find a surrogate wife to see this one with me, however. Any takers? Anyone want to be Ruanita for the evening? Maybe I'll take my son, Lucas, to see it with me. He can be my old ball and chain. He is infatuated with Abraham Lincoln and that period in history. He may just enjoy the movie more than Ruanita ever would. And he will likely not be distracted by Gidget flashbacks the way his old momma certainly will be.


Madgew said...

A great list. I have seen a few already and more to follow.

Barb said...

You're killing me. HOw many years until I can actually see a full movie that doesn't involve singing children or dancing penguins again? These all look fantastic, but I cannot remember the last time I watched an entire adult movie. I shall live vicariously through you and Ruanita for a few more years. Enjoy!

Jessica said...

I am SO watching "The Hobbit" this weekend! I can't wait!!!

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