We do not take our children to church. Part of it is that I was raised Catholic and Ruanita was raised Southern Baptist (more or less). As a same-sex couple with children, we’re not exactly thrilled by the stance of either of these churches on gay people and, more importantly, gay people raising children. So we made a decision long ago that our children would not be raised Catholic or Baptist. That leaves us numerous other choices, of course, but we’ve had difficulty finding a church with which we really “click.” I like the pageantry and ritual of the Catholic Church. It’s hard to find that same sense of tradition in the Protestant world. We have tried a couple of churches, but they didn’t have enough ritual for me and they weren’t Jesus-y enough to satisfy Ruanita’s Baptist leanings. So we do not currently take our kids to church.
That is not to say that we do not talk about God and Jesus. We try. We talk about how God made the entire world and how Jesus is his son. And that both love us and take care of us. We may not be religious, but we try to be spiritual. And we try to instill in our kids a strong sense of morality and compassion and respect for others.
Lucas has always been a science freak. He has loved science pretty much since birth. He has watched hundreds upon hundreds of hours of science documentaries in his short life. He checks out science-related books from the library. He gets science-y toys for Christmas every year. We have encouraged his love of science because 1.) It’s nice to see him so excited about something, 2.) I love science, too, and enjoy the discussions we have about it, and 3.) He has exactly zero athletic ability, he is not particularly artistic, and he can barely write a legible sentence…so science may just be his nitch in life.
So last night, I picked him up from a choir performance at 7:00 p.m. He had not eaten dinner yet, so we were in the car headed to McDonalds to get him something to eat when—somehow that I can’t really remember—our conversation turned to God. I should not have been surprised, but I was still taken aback when my son told me that he doesn’t believe in God. He went on to say that he “greatly respects people who do believe in God.” But he is not one of them. I asked him why, of course. He said that he doesn’t believe in God because there is no proof that God exists. He said that he believes in science and that science has produced no proof that God exists.
I was a bit flabbergasted and wasn’t sure what to say. I told him that I believe in God and that I think God made the entire universe. He replied, “No, the Big Bang made the universe.” I said that I believed God created each and every one of us. He replied, “No, our parents made us.” I asked him if he had considered that perhaps God created science. That God created all the atoms and molecules and elements that make up everything in the world and that God put them in motion and created all the rules and laws that are the fundamentals of science? That he created everything science has ever discovered and has yet to discover? I told him that he could believe in science and still believe in God. He, however, was not buying that argument. He said that could very well be, but there is no scientific evidence to suggest that God had a hand in making anything or that God exists. So until science proved otherwise, he was sticking with his belief that God isn’t real. And again, he reiterated that he respects people who do believe in God. I just sat there, unable to form an argument in my head that might sway my science-loving son. I heard Lucas ask shyly from the back seat, “Mom, are you mad at me?” Of course not. Of course I was not mad at him. I was actually rather impressed with him, if the truth be told.
So…I am raising a nine-year-old atheist. Nice, huh? I must admit that part of me is a little proud of him. He is a free thinker. A rational person. A kid who marches to his own drum. He doesn’t just accept the information he is fed. He thinks about things and comes to his own conclusion. He’s not just another lemming. He’s an individual. That’s the type of person we want our children to grow up to be, right?
At the same time, however, I worry about him. I believe in God. I believe in a higher power. I grew up saying prayers at bedtime. To this day, when I am scared or lonely or anxious or simply having trouble falling asleep, I will recite old Catholic prayers in my head. I don’t know that I am necessarily “praying,” but it calms me. Helps me feel a sense of peace. A sense of control when everything is out of control.
How scary a place will the world be for a little boy who doesn’t believe in a high power? How will he deal with all the ugliness in this world if he does not believe that there is a source of eternal good? What does he think about in bed when he is scared or lonely or anxious or can’t sleep?
I realize that he isn’t even ten yet and his belief in—or relationship with—God will change throughout his lifetime. But I had truly hoped I was doing a better job of instilling my beliefs in my children. But maybe that’s not what parenting is supposed to be about, after all. Maybe I shouldn’t want a son who just regurgitates the beliefs I’ve expressed. Maybe he’ll be better off if he comes to those beliefs on his own. Or doesn’t. As long as he is a compassionate, moral, kind person, I guess that’s all that really matters to me. And I believe he is. So maybe last night wasn’t an “epic fail” so much as just another curve in the parenting road.
Either way, I think mommy needs a glass of wine.
6 comments:
I think this awesome. Not only is he learning to think for himself but he's learning that it's okay to share his thoughts with his parents no matter what... even if he doesn't agree with them. This is as far from a parenting fail as you can get. Good work Mom. And if he's like any other agnostic/atheist scientists I know, or any other people for that matter, he'll be going back and forth and trying to figuring it all out anyway. You're doing a great job of letting him go yuet sharing your own beliefs. All parents should be so supportive and flexible! :)
I have not believed in God for as long as I can remember. It is not an epic fail. I agree with Lucas and my life has been rich and spiritual without the presence of just one person. I believe in myself and my ability to get through things and use my own self to guide me. I love that Lucas is thinking about all this. He is really smart and I love his spirit.
"Fail" should not have even been written by you! That is an amazing story, he is a true thinker and you should be proud. Don't freak out that he doesn't believe in God, it will be fine, and that doesn't mean he will ultimately be nonspiritual. Ask him where did the Big Bang came from. I had a discussion with a very religious friend who really freaked out when her father died; she could not understand how a non-religious person could deal with that type of pain. Don't worry, we have our ways. :) He might not have prayers to recite, but he will have other methods of coping--methods you might not be able to fathom. And if you want some great added material, listen to Penn Teller's "What I Believe" essay, I'll paste the link: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5015557. I love that he discussed it with you, I love that he came to his own conclusions. You should be amazingly proud!
P.s. If you do want to go to church, have you tried Episcopalian? That's what I used to attend and we called it "Catholic-light". Lots of the same soothing ritual, not so many of the uptight rules. They even have a gay bishop! Might fit the ticket.
Not a fail at all. You were a supportive and honest mom and that's the best any child can ask for! I am raising two little agnostics who are spiritual and kind and loving and follow all of the things that any good Christian would.. but we aren't Christian. Great job, and Lucas will be just fine! Whatever is out there! Big bang, God, or both!
I believe this is quite the opposite of "epic fail". I would say it is truly a success story. You and Ruanita are raising a young man that is learning to not only think for himself but do so in an intelligent and respectful manner. Not only did he explain to you why he does not believe in God but also said he respects those that do. All stated by a 9 year old. Seriously. Can you do any better than that?
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