Sunday, September 30, 2012

Day 7: You Could Have Warned Me

I am getting ready to turn 40 in two days and my body has turned against me. Last night, I had an awesome dinner at a nice Italian restaurant with Ruanita and my sisters. We had an amazing time. The conversation was fun. The food was amazing. The wine was great. I had several glasses of wine and gnocchi with a delicious four-cheese sauce that I shoveled in with a spoon so as not to miss a single scrumptious drop. It was divine.

All of that deliciousness was followed by a pounding headache and diarrhea this morning.

Too much information, I know. But that is what happens when you turn forty, apparently. You begin publicly lamenting bodily functions that no twenty year old would ever even admit to having. At forty, you wear it like a badge of honor. Yes, the wine gave me a headache. Yes, the four-cheese sauce gave me raging diarrhea while grocery shopping at Target this morning. Somewhere between age thirty-nine and forty, my body has forgotten how to process dairy products. No one warned me about this phenomenon.

No one warned me that gray hairs are inevitably curly, despite every other hair on my head being straight. No one warned me that my knees would make noises both unnatural and deafening. No one warned me that there does not exist a lotion on this earth capable of soothing the dry skin on my elbows. No one warned me that my body would suffer from a narcoleptic seizure—regardless of my desire to stay up to watch Saturday Night Live—at 9:00pm every night. No one warned me that the desire to urinate could come on with such urgency that I would have to sprint to the bathroom with my knees creaking the entire way. No one warned me that four ounces of chocolate would—by some sort of mystical biological process inherent to forty year old bodies—morph into two pounds of cellulite on my ass.

A little warning would have been nice.


Anonymous said...

I feel bad I didn't warn you. But, I will tell you that 50 and 60 bring new issues but you will soar above them and find amazement in the new life each decade gives you. Okay, I warned you.

Jen O'Brien said...

Welcome to your 40s! Yep, that sounds about right:)

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