Know Thyself

15 Things I Know About Myself at Age 39 ¾:

1. Chances are slim that I will ever be an athlete. And I am okay with that. I will, however, continue to buy running shoes, as I like to cultivate the aura of an athlete. And I like the pretty colors.
2. My daughter is both my sweetest reward for all of the good I have ever done in my 39 ¾ years on this Earth AND my punishment for all of the hell I have ever unleashed on my unsuspecting family and friends. Her birth memorializes the day that I became Karma’s bitch.
3. I can occasionally wear capri pants without feeling like a fat girl who wears capris. Not always, however.
4. The fact that I have had basically the same hairstyle—varying the length by only an inch or two—for the last 20+ years is proof positive that I am not a risk-taker, despite my protestations to the contrary.
5. Jägermeister tastes like shit for a reason.
6. I do not now, nor will I ever no matter how many times I drink it and how many different flavors I ingest, like tea. I don’t have it in me.
7. Buying a bathing suit will never be something I enjoy.
8. I do, however, enjoy bossing people around without actually being ultimately responsible. Apparently, I missed my calling as a politician.
9. I will one day die, never having achieved even a basic, rudimentary understanding of how the stock market really works.
10. I like wine.
11. I used to think that I was ill-equipped to raise boys. I now know that I am even ill-equipped to raise a house plant.
12. I take competition to an ugly place. I am competitive to the point that Ruanita refuses to play most common board games with me. It is not an attractive trait.
13. I have no need of illicit drugs. I can get the same forbidden high cleaning out my ears with a Q-tip.
14. I like dogs more than I like most people.
15. Being a mother is my greatest accomplishment in life. And I do not say that merely out of a lack of other accomplishments.