Thursday, August 02, 2012

A Few Random Observations on the 2012 Olympic Summer Games--Part 2

I'm glad the US women's gymnastics team won the team gold. I have a soft spot for crying elves. Frankly, I couldn't take another moment of Jordan Weiber’s blubbering.

Did you know that prior to this year, there existed fairly stringent guidelines about the uniforms the female beach volleyball players were allowed to wear. Basically, they had to wear bikinis. Small bikinis. This year, for the first time, they have made the decision to be more lenient on the uniforms to allow for competition by women from "more modest" countries. Is beach volleyball really a happening sport in the United Arab Emerites? Seriously??

Speaking of beach volleyball, did you know there are cheerleaders for beach volleyball??Cheerleaders! Bikini clad dancers! What other Olympic sport has cheerleaders? I swear…I am beginning to believe that beach volleyball is the Spring Break wet t-shirt contest of sports. I know it takes a great deal of athleticism to play. But honestly. I completely expect the beautiful people who play beach volleyball to drop their balls in the middle of the game, stretch out on the sand, and play a rousing game of beer pong. Am I right?

I am really impressed by neither Phelps nor Lochte this year. They were expected to win and frankly, I think their rivalry is over-hyped. Yes, I am glad Phelps is now the most decorated athlete in Olympic history. I feel a tiny bit of completely unjustified and undeserved pride that he is an American. But really…what excitement have Phelps and Lochte given us? On the other hand, look at the women swimmers! Our boobless US swim team has thrilled me to no end. Rebecca Soni. Missy Franklin. Allison Schmitt. Natalie Coughlin. Dana Vollmer. Amanda Weir. Boobless wonders. Every. Single. One.

The white water rafting events are super cool. I love the way they created rapids basically in a tube in the middle of London. How cool is that? I wonder, however, what they are going to do with the course after the Olympics. Might I suggest filling it with saline and calling it a freestanding enema clinic?

What the hell is handball? And who came up with the name for that sport? Lame.

I think of all of the sports out there, I could totally compete in Olympic badminton. Seriously. It’s not like you need a lot of muscle to make that little birdie (I can’t bring myself to call it a shuttlecock) soar. One little tap with my pink, sparkly racket and my birdie flies over the fence into the neighbor’s yard every single time. Yea, I could have totally been a competitor. I coulda been a contender…I coulda been somebody…

Prince Harry is one sexy royal. I can’t help checking him out in the stands. With all the generations of in-bred chromosomes coursing through his royal body, he is nothing sort of a modern day miracle. I mean, at minimum, all the royals should be bald and hump-backed and have six toes on their left feet. But Harry ended up ginger-haired beauty. God smiled on Britain the day that boy was born.

Equestrian dressage. What it is? How does it work? Does the winner get a gold medal for having the prettiest horse? Can you really call it a “sport” if a tiny little 71 year old Japanese man competes?

I’ve been trying to convince my eldest son that water polo is a cool sport. He’s a decent swimmer. And he has a swimmer's build. Long and lanky with freakishly large feet. It takes incredible athleticism to be able to tread water and swim from goal to goal for an entire game. I mean…look at the bodies on those people! But Lucas isn’t buying it. He was all for giving water polo a go until he saw the uber-goober caps the water polo players wear tied in cute little bows beneath their chiseled chins. There was no convincing him water polo was cool after he caught sight of those things.

Shooting. You would think they could come up with a fancier name. It seems so pedestrian. Like something your toothless Uncle Earl does out in the woods behind his trailer. It’s like calling gymnastics “Olympic Flipping.” Or calling Track and Field “Olympic Jogging and Hopping.” I mean, come on. How about Olympic Blasting? Or Or Olympic Discharging? Okay...that last one sounds a bit like a sexually transmitted disease. What about just calling it Boom Boom Pow. You needs a little pizzazz. Jazz needs jazz hands.

And what about synchronized swimming? It’s like a whole team of Tammy Fay Baker impersonators got shoved in a pool. I love it!

You know what sport I am really looking forward to (that I am sure NBC will not air)? Trampoline. I can’t wait to see the America’s Funniest Home Video rejects who consider the trampoline a serious athletic endeavor. That’s not meant in any way to belittle trampoliners. Who am I to talk anyway? I consider dragging my happy ass from the house to my car a serious athletic endeavor. Especially if it is above 75 degrees outside. If there were a trampoline in the way, I would have to sit on the ground and cry most mornings. So you go you! You…trampoliners! Ummm…I mean, athletes!

One sport I do not quite get is Modern Pentathlon. Here is what Wikipedia has to say about the Modern Pentathlon for those of you who, like me, thought “Huh?”

The modern pentathlon is a sports contest that includes five events: pistol shooting, fencing, 200 m freestyle swimming, show jumping, and a 3 km cross-country run. Since 1949 an annual World Championship has been held in non-Olympic years.

Originally the competition took place over four or five days; however in 1996 a one-day format was adopted in an effort to be more audience-friendly. In spite of the event's strong pedigree in the modern Olympics, and its status as an event created specifically for the modern Olympic Games, its lack of widespread popularity outside Eastern Europe has led to calls for its removal from the Olympic Games in recent years; however, following a vote by the IOC on July 8, 2005, it has remained in the Olympic program at least until 2012.

So it is pistol shooting (Boom Boom Pow), fencing, swimming, horseback jumping, and cross-country running. What?? Why? What a weird, random collection of sports. No wonder it is only popular in Eastern Europe. Leave it to Slovakia to embrace this weirdness. They should place a trampoline in the middle of field and have the athletes stop and do a couple of flips in the middle of the race. Or maybe dive off the horse into the pool? In synchronized pairs? Damn overachievers.


Anonymous said...

Funny as always. I love the gymnastics and as you know I think Jordyn is a cry baby. Her loss was considered like a death in the family. Give me and f.... break. I can give her tragedy to think about as I am sure you can too. I love the rowing and I love the white water rafting and the whole tank will be removed. It is only being used for 5 days as it says on the link. I love volley ball with all the team members hugging and their little rituals everything they win a point. Badminton when not using cheaters is actually amazing as they have 24 hits minimum rallies if they are playing their hardest but China, South Korea, Malaysia and Indonesia cheated to get better draws and were kicked out. They were missing on purpose and their rallies only last for 4 hits.
My best event would be eating and watching.

Barb said...

Funny stuff, Shannon. I love the Olympics...everything about them. To have worked for years to become the absolute best in the world at something is an amazing accomplishment and whether it's the first time or the third time, whether they're the favorite or the upset, whether they are male or female or in a bikini or long-sleeved shirt, whether that are stoic or full of tears, they are, each and every one of them, amazing and inspirational. Sam and I have been riveted... even when we already know the outcome. (What did you think of those amazing women rowers on the 8's last night? Wow.)

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