Tuesday, May 22, 2012

No Cornrows for Me

Disclaimer: This blog may very well fall into the category of "too much information."  If, unlike me, you do not enjoy a rousing discussion of lady parts and their functions, please surf away from this blog…NOW.

May I rant for a moment? I believe that Mother Nature, in all of her infinite wisdom and ethereal glory, has it out for me. Apparently, I have managed to somehow piss her off and she has some sort of vendetta against me. I can’t imagine what I did. Perhaps it has something to do with my refusal to speak up when the check-out chick at Target bags my groceries in plastic without giving me a choice. But really…can I be held responsible for the environmental fall-out when I am not given a choice? “Would you prefer paper or plastic?” Is that so hard to ask? I don’t know…maybe that’s not it. I only know that Mother Nature is pissed at me.

Case in point:

As with many lesbian couples, Ruanita and I have managed throughout the years to completely synch our periods. That’s right. All of the rancor and bitchiness and exhaustion and passive aggressiveness occur during one fun-filled week each month at my house. It has its obvious downfalls. However, at the same time, there are perks. Rather than dragging the hell out over two weeks each month—which is equal to approximately HALF OUR LIVES—we manage to condense the time into a mere fourth of our living and breathing days spent in a state of physical and emotional upheaval. Not too shabby.

This year, we were particularly excited when we discovered that our upcoming two-week-and-three-day (not that I am counting) vacation would not fall on any of our period days. That’s right. We would be completely free of hormone-induced angst while lounging on the beach. Free to frolic in the waves void of tampons. Free to get cornrows and run across the beach in our bikinis with no danger of leakage—a la Bo Derek in the movie “10.” Okay…that probably won’t happen, but the possibility exists.

At least, the possibility DID exist. Ruanita and I both take birth control pills, so our schedules are pretty regular. You could set a clock by Ruanita’s, and mine is pretty solid when I remember to take my pills. For the last two months—since learning of the ideal vacation/menstrual timing—I have been completely vigilant about taking my pills. I have not missed a single one.

So imagine my surprise when Mother Nature came to sprinkle her monthly bloaty bitchy dust on me this morning. A full ten days early! Right in the middle of my cycle! What the hell?!? It took me mere seconds to do the math. If my period came on May 22nd this month, it will likely come on or around June 22nd next month. And what will I be doing on June 22? I will be playing miniature golf down a mountainside with my family in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. I will be preparing to leave the following morning to head to the ocean in sunny North Carolina. Preparing to head to the warm salty waters and even warmer sun. Preparing to bask in Mother’s Nature’s glory.

But, alas! There will be no cornrows. There will be no bikini on this body. There will be no jiggling down the beach as I execute my carefully-choreographed Bo Derek run. No, my days on the beach will be peppered with generous amount of cramping, bloating, gas, backaches, headaches, and all-around bitchiness. Oh yea…and I will probably spend a small fortune on food as I can usually eat my own body weight in salty snacks during my period.

That does it. I am burning all of my environmentally-friendly reusable grocery sacks. I am plastic girl from now on.

Suck it, Mother Nature!


Madgew said...

Maybe it will right itself. I hope for all your sakes it does.:)

Barb said...

What Madge said. :)

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