Friday, January 07, 2011

Murder in Minneapolis

I am going to strangle Ruanita with her pillow case while she sleeps tonight. I realize that putting my plan out here in cyber space like this means that it is unlikely I will get away with my crime. Regardless, I am afraid I have no choice but to strangle her.

Ruanita is sick. She's been sick all week. She is coughing and hacking and wheezing and snotting and whining and crying. I have placed my palm her forehead, at her request, at least a dozen times daily since Monday. "No", I tell her every time. "You do not have a fever." Because she has no fever, she is convinced that she is not really sick. Though the green snot oozing from every orifice of her body would indicate otherwise, she is holding firm in her conviction that she is not really sick.

Finally, her voice gave out yesterday. Because she is a therapist counseling people with depression over the phone, she could not do her job yesterday with no voice. As a result, she finally had to stay home from work. Rather than lounging around on the couch all day while I was at work as she promised me she would do, she emptied the dishwasher and vacuumed and did a few loads of laundry. When I arrived home from work yesterday to a spotless house, I sent her upstairs to sleep. To my utter surprise, she went. And she did sleep for a couple of hours.

However, this morning, she awoke to tell me that she is most definitely going to work today. Actually....she whispered it, as she still has no voice. I tried to reason with her. I tried to convince her to stay home today and see a doctor instead. I even tapped into my inner poet for a moment, declaring "If you have no voice, you have no choice." She still squeaked her assertion that she most definitely is going to work today. Never mind that she has absolutely no voice 50% of the time, and the other 50% of the time she goes back and forth between channeling Kathleen Turner and Minnie Mouse.

Ruanita has to be, by far, the worst sick person I have ever met. Someone needs to put her out of her misery. And it looks like that someone is going to have to be me. She is refusing to take care of herself. She refuses to let others tend to her when she is a sick. As a result, this sickness will linger....fester...and eventually drive every person living in my house to brink of sanity. I can't allow my poor innocent children to suffer a moment longer. So tonight, I am going to strangle Ruanita while she sleeps.

Shhhhh...don't tell anyone.


Mommy Shorts said...

A few weeks ago I got a stomach virus from the baby. I was working freelance with a day rate so not showing up for work was very costly. I kept trying to get ready for work but then throwing up or falling over. I called the agency I was working at to tell them that I would be in as soon as I was psychically able to get myself together. They said— if you are truly sick, then the last thing we want is you in the office.

HUH. Good point. I stayed home and slept the entire day.

Some of us need to be forced to sleep. Strangling sounds like it could work beautifully.

Mommy Shorts said...

Ack! Physically. How did I let that happen??

Anonymous said...

Sounds like Ruanita is who she is and nothing you say will help until she can't physically get up and then she is trapped. Frustrating to watch.

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