Monday, January 10, 2011

2011 in a Nutshell

Now that it is January 10th and we are officially fully ensconced in 2011, I thought I would take a moment today to write a brief summary of how my year is going to date. As you may know, 2010 was not exactly a banner year, so I embarked on 2011 with high hopes. As I tucked my weary body into bed at 9:00pm on New Year's Eve, I thought to myself, It has to get better, right? It can only go up from here.

So let's recap the last nine days, shall we? Ruanita and I have both been sick the entirety of 2011 so far. Snot and phlegm and mucous, oh my! Being sick myself has been a joyous enough experience, but having Ruanita sick at the same time has put me into a state of near ecstasy. Okay, I jest. Ruanita is nothing short of a nightmare when she is sick. She stresses me to the point that I fear my hair is going to start falling out in clumps. Anyone know of a good wig shop? She finally went to the doctor yesterday and was told that she has bronchitis, and possibly pneumonia. She was given an antibiotic and, to my great delight, she was told that she had a fever. 100 degrees. When she told me this, I rejoiced heartily. Finally! A fever! She now actually believes that she is sick. And as all of my 12-step friends know, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

At the end of 2010, Ruanita and I spent $350 on a new stationary bicycle. I then spent an hour and half assembling the damn thing. We made no New Year's resolutions this year, but we entered the year with a kind of vague, generic, loosely organized plan to lose some weight and get healthier. We told ourselves that the bike would be money well spent because of its versatility. We could ride it while watching television...while reading a book...while working Sudoku puzzles. We envisioned hours spent pumping away on that bike, lengthening our lives while at the same time getting svelte and sexy. I think Ruanita rode the bike twice before getting sick. I rode it once and told Ruanita I rode it a second time. In actuality, however, I was laying on the couch watching Oprah interview Portia di Rossi at the time I told Ruanita I was riding the bike. Watching that show, I found myself suddenly overcome with a sense of impending doom. I feared that if I got on that bike, I too would become obsessed with my weight and would ride myself to a waif-like 88 pounds like Portia. I wouldn't want to go through that hell and mental anguish. Never mind that I would have to completely stop ingesting food altogether and ride non-stop for at least four years to burn enough calories to reach 88 wasn't a risk I was willing to take. I mean, seriously. Who the hell wants to look like Portia di Rossi anyway, right?! Stunning beauty is so overrated.

So what about my children? How have they been faring in 2011 so far? They are doing quite well. They received enough toys for Christmas to cover every inch of their bedroom floors. No need to vacuum any longer, though I worry that I haven't seen the cat in a few days. Sophie continues to experiment with fashion. Her ensembles are getting bolder in the new year and I find myself needing to avert my eyes more often for fear of my retinas being scorched by the contrasting florals and plaids. Nicholas continues to perfect his covert, sneaky tactics. I believe that he has snuck enough of my private chocolate stash to date in 2011 to fuel a diabetic coma. I suspect to find his comatose body under the piles of toys on his bedroom floor one day soon. Lucas reluctantly returned to school after winter break. To his great delight, he discovered that his mommas had signed him up for an after school tutoring program twice a week this semester to help him with his reading struggles. Our hope is that he will one day be literate enough to write a tell-all book about his life as the child of completely inadequate parents. I smell a Pulitzer!

Well...that's it. 2011 in a nutshell. I'm not sure I can say if it is better or worse than 2010 at this point. It's early yet. We have plenty of time for all hell to break loose. Though I remain optimistic.

Naively, gullibly, cautiously optimistic.


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