Friday, November 12, 2010

Painful Affliction

I was having a conversation with my eldest son, Lucas, yesterday about sickness. I had to take him to urgent care on Monday because he had strep throat....yet again. His fifth bout of strep this year. So yesterday, as he was taking a bath, we were discussing his current strep affliction and sickness, in general. We concluded that all people get sick. It's a fact of life and part of what makes us wonderfully imperfect human beings. Lucas pondered this for a moment while I scrubbed behind his ears. After a minute or two of apparently deep thought, he looked up at me and said, "Mom, you know, there are two kinds of diseases that are worse than all the others. The worst diseases people can get are cancer and...heartburn."

Now, I suspect that Lucas meant to say heart disease. However, today I am suffering from a severe case of heartburn, and I am beginning to believe that my son is a medical savant...a soothsayer of the wisest sort. Right about now, I wholeheartedly believe that heartburn is the worst of all afflictions that a person can develop. My chest feels as though it is on fire and the flame is steadily creeping up my throat. I can feel my tonsils singeing. I am afraid to open my mouth to speak for fear of the acrid smoke that will undoubtedly billow out of my mouth.

I do not get heartburn very often. As a matter of fact, when I eat healthy and avoid consuming grease, I rarely, if ever, suffer from heartburn. When I was pregnant with Sophie and Nicholas, I had constant heartburn. However, I can pretty much guarantee...unless God chose me to birth the second coming of Christ....that am NOT pregnant. (Wouldn't it be a hoot if God did actually chose a lesbian...perfectly poetic justice. I can just see all of the evangelicals wetting themselves and muttering "Holy shit!", but I digress...). This week, however, I have not been eating healthy. Actually, I have been eating pretty dang UN-healthy. I blame the funk that has permeated my psyche this week. Not only is it affecting me mentally, it is affecting me physically. It is causing me a great deal of searing pain.

So what's a smoldering (and by "smoldering", I do not mean in a good, sexy, Lana Turner way), gloomy, thoroughly crotchety girl to do? Time for an attitude adjustment. That's heard it here first, folks! Shannon Ralph is changing her tune. No more Negative Nelly. Mental anguish I can handle, but once we've sunken to the level of physical pain, I am done. I am a wimp and do not like to hurt. So...that being said, I am turning a new leaf. No more whining and complaining. I am manning up (figuratively speaking, of course) and getting a grasp on my life. Hopefully, this new leaf will at least last through the weekend. Ruanita and I are actually getting a date night out tomorrow, so that should help solidify this new mentally healthy outlook. We'll see though. Check back with me on Monday....


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