"Issues"

In my Weight Watchers meeting on Saturday, we discussed perfectionism. That “all or nothing” attitude that can wreak havoc with one’s ability to accomplish any goal. We discussed it in broad terms, relating to any goal we try to accomplish in life. Then we discussed it in narrower terms, specific to the goal of losing weight. It amazed me how much this conversation resonated with me.

You probably would never guess it by looking at my house…or my car…or my desk at work…or my kids, for that matter, but I am a perfectionist by nature. I don’t expect flawlessness from the people in my life, but I expect it from myself. I always expected that I would get good grades, get into a good college, have a fulfilling career, have the well-behaved 2.5 kids and the white picket fence. I assumed I would be a supermom who juggled career and family life with ease. Some of these I have managed to accomplish…some not so much. Despite all of my accomplishments (I do realize that I have a great life), the one thing that has always eluded me is my weight. Despite having a tight grasp on everything else in my life, my weight seems beyond my control. I try. I succeed. I slack off. I gain weight. Over and over again. This has been my pattern my entire adult life. I never let myself get massively obese, but I never allow myself to be thin and healthy either. Sometimes I think it would be easier just to let myelf go completely. Just be the "fat girl." Stop thinking about it. Just let it be and move on. Try as I might though, I can't do it. I still care enough to want to be healthy...if not for me, then for my kids.

So, how does one break a destructive pattern? My goal this time around is to give myself a bit of breathing room. I have to rid myself of the “all or nothing” thinking. One small slip up does NOT a diet ruin. What ruins everything is when I have that one small slip-up and then tell myself that I already failed, so I may as well eat the entire damn cheesecake. A slice of cheesecake is acceptable. An entire cheesecake is downright certifiable. So how do you change that negative self-talk? How do you allow yourself some slack without becoming a total slacker? I would never ever say to a friend, “Wow, you just ate a slice of cheesecake? You might as well throw in the towel, fatty. You’re never going to lose weight now!” That sounds utterly ridiculous and completely illogical, right? So why in the world would I say that to myself? Hmmmm…sounds like I have some “issues” to address, huh?

On a related note, I am keeping my fingers crossed that my boobs are the first thing to go when I lose weight this time. They are really getting on my nerves lately.