Nature is invading my home. I wrote a couple of days ago about our ant infestation (which seems to have gotten somewhat better with the ant traps). In addition, at least two days this weeks, I have pulled back the shower curtain in my bathroom, barely awake at 5:30am, to find a giant spider crawling in my bathtub. We have birds nesting in our balcony. We have frogs living in our window wells. We are being overrun...but what happened last night takes the cake.
Okay...I am still freaking out as I am writing this. Last night, a squirrel fell down my chimney and became trapped in my fireplace. Luckily, my fireplace has glass doors that were shut...thank God! I think the squirrel had been trapped in there for a while before I realized it was there. I noticed while watching TV with the kids last night that my cat was sitting in front of the fireplace. I heard scratching, but I thought the cat was just playing with a toy in front of the fireplace. At 8:00pm, I put the kids to bed and then walked into the living room to sit down. Just as I turned the corner into the living room, I saw it. A huge squirrel right up against the glass of the fireplace doors flailing around and looking quite terrified. Of course, it had every right to be terrified, as it was staring right into the eyes of my cat, who was hissing and meowing like I had never seen her do before. Let me tell you....I almost peed in my pants. Before I could control myself, I was screaming like a little girl. All three of the kids came running to see why mommy was screaming. When they saw the squirrel, they froze in their tracks and their eyes became wide with wonder. Lucas, my kind-hearted, sensitive little man, immediately began to tear up. Can it get out, momma? Is it hurt? Is it going to die? "No, honey," I assured him. "If it climbed in, it can climb back out." Of course, I did not believe this. If it could have climbed out it would have done so by that point. I herded the kids back to bed and, after some nervous pacing around the room, I picked up the phone to call Ruanita. Surely, she could help. Strangely however, she was not at all helpful. As a matter of fact, she found the whole situation quite hysterical. I tried explaining the full extent of my terror, but apparently, it is difficult to accurately convey terror across telephone lines. She just continued her maniacal laugh....so I hung up on her. If she wasn't going to help me, I would turn to the people I can always count on. I logged onto Facebook to seek advice from my enlightened, creative, knowledgeable, friends. I must say...in this instance, the advice I received from them was questionable, at best. I received advice ranging from shooting it (no, Lisa, I do not own a gun) to drugging it with Benadryl (there was no way in hell I was getting close enough to it to feed it Benadryl from a medicine dropper...and I don't have a blow gun, so that was out) to opening the front door and just letting it run out (THAT could have been a nightmare) to just moving. I admit that I briefly considered just forfeiting my house to the squirrel and moving, but the more I thought about it, the less practical it seemed. One friend posted a link to information on what to do if you have a squirrel stuck in your fireplace. Perfect! Some reasonable advice, finally! However, the article suggest I stick a limb down the chimney to allow the squirrel to climb out on his own. First and foremost, there was NO WAY in hell I was climbing up on my roof. I have a totally irrational, but extremely potent, fear of ladders. Plus, if I climbed up on the roof, not only would I have an animal situation on my hands, but I would need a paramedic scrape me off the ground when I inevitably fell. Plus...the one large tree we had in our yard fell a few weeks back...so no large branches to be found. That was a no-go. One friend suggested I call Minneapolis Animal Care and Control....and even called me to give me their number. I called them, assuming this would be the answer I had been looking for. I was informed that they do not remove wildlife from people's homes and had no advice for me. So what DO they do then? Animal Control, my ass!!
Finally, I came to the unfortunate conclusion that I was entirely on my own in this situation. No one was going to help me. I had to rely on my own wits. Unfortunately for me, my wits had gone right out the door the moment I first saw that squirrel. I began to get concerned that the squirrel would open the doors to the fireplace and come bursting out to attack me (I was pretty sure it was rabid, though I had no evidence at all to back up this assumption). Never mind that my heavy double stroller was folded up and sitting in front of the doors. On the off chance that this particular squirrel was gifted with supernatural strength and could open the fireplace doors AND toss aside the heavy stroller, I duct taped the fireplace doors shut. By this time, I noticed that my cat had quieted down a bit, though she continued her vigil at the fireplace. Perhaps the squirrel had found a way to climb back up? I hadn't heard it in a while, so I was hoping with all of my heart that it had escaped. I tried peering into the fireplace, but it was too dark. I grabbed a flashlight, took a deep breath to calm my nerves, and squatted in front of the fireplace. I shined the flashlight into the fireplace and saw nothing. No movement. No noise. I moved my face closer to the glass to get a better look. At the exact moment that my face was mere inches from the glass and I had begun to convince myself that my terrifying situation was finally over, the squirrel flung its body at the glass and began flailing around. I swear...it was a scene from the movie Alien. I screamed...again. The kids came running...again. I herded them back to their beds, assuring them that all was well...again.
That's it. I had had enough. I refused to live my life in fear. I was 100 times bigger than that tiny squirrel and I was going to take care of this situation. I began rummaging through my house for a box large enough to trap the squirrel in. I tried several, but decided that they were all too small. Each time, I removed the duct tape from the fireplace doors, only to decide that the box was inadequate. So I re-taped the door. I had to have gone through several yards of duct tape. Finally, I settled on a laundry basket. If was large enough to cover the entire opening once I opened the doors. I draped the basket with a heavy afghan. I stood there regaining my composure for several minutes, before deciding that I needed a witness. I got Lucas out of bed and made him come into the living room with me. He rubbed his eyes and stared at me as if I had lost my mind. I explained my plan as he looked at me reluctantly. If nothing else, he could dial 911 if I was attacked by a rabid squirrel. I removed the duct tape, placed the basket against the opening and waited silently. Lucas and I both held our breath. Finally, after what seemed like an hour, I could feel the weight of the squirrel in the basket. I flung the heavy afghan over the top of the blanket and ran like hell for the front door. I then hurled the squirrel out the door, blanket, basket, and all! Who knows what my neighbors were thinking! The squirrel ran off into the neighbor's yard as quickly as its little legs would carry it. Lucas let out a triumphant whoop. I collapsed on the couch..my jelly legs just couldn't hold me up any longer. My ordeal had ended.
The next time something like this happens, I am just moving. My poor heart can only handle so much "nature." Anyone in the market for a lovely, two-story, 4-bedroom, wildlife-infested home?
Okay...I am still freaking out as I am writing this. Last night, a squirrel fell down my chimney and became trapped in my fireplace. Luckily, my fireplace has glass doors that were shut...thank God! I think the squirrel had been trapped in there for a while before I realized it was there. I noticed while watching TV with the kids last night that my cat was sitting in front of the fireplace. I heard scratching, but I thought the cat was just playing with a toy in front of the fireplace. At 8:00pm, I put the kids to bed and then walked into the living room to sit down. Just as I turned the corner into the living room, I saw it. A huge squirrel right up against the glass of the fireplace doors flailing around and looking quite terrified. Of course, it had every right to be terrified, as it was staring right into the eyes of my cat, who was hissing and meowing like I had never seen her do before. Let me tell you....I almost peed in my pants. Before I could control myself, I was screaming like a little girl. All three of the kids came running to see why mommy was screaming. When they saw the squirrel, they froze in their tracks and their eyes became wide with wonder. Lucas, my kind-hearted, sensitive little man, immediately began to tear up. Can it get out, momma? Is it hurt? Is it going to die? "No, honey," I assured him. "If it climbed in, it can climb back out." Of course, I did not believe this. If it could have climbed out it would have done so by that point. I herded the kids back to bed and, after some nervous pacing around the room, I picked up the phone to call Ruanita. Surely, she could help. Strangely however, she was not at all helpful. As a matter of fact, she found the whole situation quite hysterical. I tried explaining the full extent of my terror, but apparently, it is difficult to accurately convey terror across telephone lines. She just continued her maniacal laugh....so I hung up on her. If she wasn't going to help me, I would turn to the people I can always count on. I logged onto Facebook to seek advice from my enlightened, creative, knowledgeable, friends. I must say...in this instance, the advice I received from them was questionable, at best. I received advice ranging from shooting it (no, Lisa, I do not own a gun) to drugging it with Benadryl (there was no way in hell I was getting close enough to it to feed it Benadryl from a medicine dropper...and I don't have a blow gun, so that was out) to opening the front door and just letting it run out (THAT could have been a nightmare) to just moving. I admit that I briefly considered just forfeiting my house to the squirrel and moving, but the more I thought about it, the less practical it seemed. One friend posted a link to information on what to do if you have a squirrel stuck in your fireplace. Perfect! Some reasonable advice, finally! However, the article suggest I stick a limb down the chimney to allow the squirrel to climb out on his own. First and foremost, there was NO WAY in hell I was climbing up on my roof. I have a totally irrational, but extremely potent, fear of ladders. Plus, if I climbed up on the roof, not only would I have an animal situation on my hands, but I would need a paramedic scrape me off the ground when I inevitably fell. Plus...the one large tree we had in our yard fell a few weeks back...so no large branches to be found. That was a no-go. One friend suggested I call Minneapolis Animal Care and Control....and even called me to give me their number. I called them, assuming this would be the answer I had been looking for. I was informed that they do not remove wildlife from people's homes and had no advice for me. So what DO they do then? Animal Control, my ass!!
Finally, I came to the unfortunate conclusion that I was entirely on my own in this situation. No one was going to help me. I had to rely on my own wits. Unfortunately for me, my wits had gone right out the door the moment I first saw that squirrel. I began to get concerned that the squirrel would open the doors to the fireplace and come bursting out to attack me (I was pretty sure it was rabid, though I had no evidence at all to back up this assumption). Never mind that my heavy double stroller was folded up and sitting in front of the doors. On the off chance that this particular squirrel was gifted with supernatural strength and could open the fireplace doors AND toss aside the heavy stroller, I duct taped the fireplace doors shut. By this time, I noticed that my cat had quieted down a bit, though she continued her vigil at the fireplace. Perhaps the squirrel had found a way to climb back up? I hadn't heard it in a while, so I was hoping with all of my heart that it had escaped. I tried peering into the fireplace, but it was too dark. I grabbed a flashlight, took a deep breath to calm my nerves, and squatted in front of the fireplace. I shined the flashlight into the fireplace and saw nothing. No movement. No noise. I moved my face closer to the glass to get a better look. At the exact moment that my face was mere inches from the glass and I had begun to convince myself that my terrifying situation was finally over, the squirrel flung its body at the glass and began flailing around. I swear...it was a scene from the movie Alien. I screamed...again. The kids came running...again. I herded them back to their beds, assuring them that all was well...again.
That's it. I had had enough. I refused to live my life in fear. I was 100 times bigger than that tiny squirrel and I was going to take care of this situation. I began rummaging through my house for a box large enough to trap the squirrel in. I tried several, but decided that they were all too small. Each time, I removed the duct tape from the fireplace doors, only to decide that the box was inadequate. So I re-taped the door. I had to have gone through several yards of duct tape. Finally, I settled on a laundry basket. If was large enough to cover the entire opening once I opened the doors. I draped the basket with a heavy afghan. I stood there regaining my composure for several minutes, before deciding that I needed a witness. I got Lucas out of bed and made him come into the living room with me. He rubbed his eyes and stared at me as if I had lost my mind. I explained my plan as he looked at me reluctantly. If nothing else, he could dial 911 if I was attacked by a rabid squirrel. I removed the duct tape, placed the basket against the opening and waited silently. Lucas and I both held our breath. Finally, after what seemed like an hour, I could feel the weight of the squirrel in the basket. I flung the heavy afghan over the top of the blanket and ran like hell for the front door. I then hurled the squirrel out the door, blanket, basket, and all! Who knows what my neighbors were thinking! The squirrel ran off into the neighbor's yard as quickly as its little legs would carry it. Lucas let out a triumphant whoop. I collapsed on the couch..my jelly legs just couldn't hold me up any longer. My ordeal had ended.
The next time something like this happens, I am just moving. My poor heart can only handle so much "nature." Anyone in the market for a lovely, two-story, 4-bedroom, wildlife-infested home?
3 comments:
I about peed myself reading this story. Especially when you said you threw the laundry basket and all out the door. HA!
Great story! I do suggest you find someone not afraid of heights to install a screen at the top of your chimney--before any other creatures come down for a visit. :)
Oh, this is too funny! This story reminds me of when my cat used to bring live chipmunks into my house to play (he did this several times before I caught on). Lots of fun for the cat--for me, home with a 3 month old (and likely the chipmunks), not so much. I'm glad you were able to get the little bugger out of the fireplace. I can picture flinging the whole basket/blanket/squirrel combo right out the front door myself!
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