Monday, March 29, 2010


Today, I saw a bag of Funyuns in the vending machine at work. Wow...did that take me back in time! Do you remember Funyuns...those oniony little orbs of deliciousness? Remember back when you were young and lunch would consist of a bag of Funyuns and a Mountain Dew....a veritable feast of yellow dye #5? And you could ingest that garbage without getting sick and without gaining a single ounce? Today, it would never even cross my mind to have Funyuns and a Mountain Dew for lunch....actually, my stomach just did a little flip-flop from simply typing that...but I can gain three pounds just by looking at them. As a matter of fact, I quickly averted my eyes when I saw the Funyuns in the vending machine today for fear that they would attack me and adhere themselves to my thighs.

That old adage is correct. Youth is wasted on the young. These days, it is a constant struggle to try to lose the weight that has managed to become permanently attached to my body through the years. I used to be able to eat an entire bag of potato chips without so much as a a minuscule weight gain. These days, I find myself with my little scale carefully measuring out exactly one ounce of potato chips....BAKED potato chips even...all the while knowing that all of that salt will cause my scale to jump two pounds the following morning. I realize the absurdity of weighing potato chips. I really do. However, I can't say no to them. They speak my language.

My problem is that my body still feels compelled to eat that crap. My body thinks it is still eighteen years old, though my brain knows the truth. My thirty-seven-year-old brain screams for broccoli and turkey and hearty grains. However, my oblivious body yearns for Haagen Dazs and Pringles and Papa John's. Note how all of the unhealthy foods are capitalized. They are brands. They are trademarks...not food. They are man-made conglomerations of fat and salt and high fructose corn syrup. Garbage that should not be ingested by anyone. Why then do I crave them so? How is it that the simple act of typing the words "Papa John's" causes me to actually smell that cheesy, sausagey (not a word, I know), gooey pizza? And don't even get me started on the little cup of garlic butter that comes with the pizza!

Man...I have issues.


Jennifer said...

Funyuns are soooo good!

Anonymous said...

do funyuns even contain high fructose corn syrup?

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Y Wont u answer me!!!!!!!!!!!

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