Saturday, April 16, 2016

Failure on a Massive Level

Just yesterday, I posted about the struggle of being fully cognizant that my hair was going to fall out within days of my second chemo session on Monday. It's something that I've been a little obsessed with despite my declarations that I am anything but vain. I think I've managed to find a sense of peace with the inevitable.

Or so I thought.

Imagine my surprise--two days before my second chemo session--to find the following while blow drying my hair this morning:

 What the fuck?!

Then  I made the mistake of running my fingers through my hair and pulling out this:

What the holy hell?!

Now I can't quit running my fingers through my hair. It's quickly become a compulsion. At this rate, I am surely going to pull every single hair from my head by dinner time. I will be bald before bedtime.

I can think of only two explanations for this phenomenon.
  1. Pansy-ass hair follicles. They couldn't hold on a few more days. They couldn't manage to cling to life for 36 more hours. Like the rest of me, my hair follicles are apparently lazy-ass, couch-surfing, Netflix-binging, pacifist wusses. Ooooh, the chemo! It burns! It burns! Let's just lie down here and give up without even a semblance of a fight! I hope they have Black-ish in follicle heaven! Well, guess what? You're going to follicle hell where the only sitcom you'll be watching is Fuller House, pansy-ass hair follicles!
  2. Overachieving hair follicle. Perhaps my hair follicles are well aware of my reputation for being hyper-competitive about really stupid things. Like that time I just had to win at Trivial Pursuit, resulting in a complete and total embargo on all trivia related board games in my household.  Perhaps my hair follicles, having witnessed first-hand the devastating fallout of my hyper competitiveness, were just trying to keep mama happy. If the average hair dies within a few days of the second chemo treatment, we'll do better! We'll overachieve on a phenomenal level! We'll kick some average follicle ass! We'll kill our hair BEFORE the second treatment. That will show them just who they're dealing with. The BEST, mother fuckers! Apparently my overachieving hair follicles curse a lot, too. It's an intimidation technique I like to employ myself. But I digress.
Either way--whether my hair follicles are pansy pacifists or competitive assholes--they have failed me on a magnificently unforgivable level.



Madge Woods said...

Madge Woods said...

Please help defray big bills not covered by insurance. No amount too small.

Madge Woods said...

Super achievers.

Virginia said...

I love your overachieving hair follicles, and while you hate them now, in a few months you'll be proudly telling everyone YOUR hair decided to fall out a full session early and all the other chemo patients can suck it. ;-) Ok, you may not be saying that, but still it'll make for a good story down the line. And that's really what life is all about isn't it. Good stories. You're totally winning. Never forget that. WINNING!

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