Reason #5 Why My Marriage is Just Like Yours

The push and the pull.

Marriage is all about give and take. Compromise. Push and pull. Gay and lesbian marriages are no different. Ruanita gives. I take. I push her. She pulls me. This push and pull dynamic is apparent is many aspects of our everyday life.

1. We do not have cable. This is absolutely the direct affect of Ruanita’s pull being a wee bit stronger than my push. I have pushed this issue for years. I have begged for cable. I have whined for cable. I have stomped my foot and demanded cable. As any intelligent adult knows, anything and everything of value in television today is on cable. A Game of Thrones. Homeland. Boardwalk Empire. Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo. Unfortunately, my desire to watch Pawn Stars is simply no match for Ruanita’s desire to cling to her cash. Therefore, we do not have cable.

2. We have three children. I admit that this one is entirely on me. Ruanita was content with one child, but I pushed and pushed until I won her over. “Lucas doesn’t need to be an only child.” “Everyone needs a brother or sister.” “Two is the perfect number.” “I want to experience the joy of childbirth.” Yea, what the hell was I thinking? Secretly, I would happily have six children. Ruanita wanted one, reluctantly agreed to two, and ended up with three. I don’t think even my stellar pushing skills can budge her even one more inch. We are done.

3. We have a dog. Again, this one is on me. I wanted a dog. I thought our children should grow up with a pet. Now we are the proud owners of a completely dead lawn, numerous disemboweled stuffed animals, and a pungent aroma that permeates every crevice of our home. But am I content with all of this loveliness? No. I am actually pushing Ruanita to get another dog. A dog needs a BFF, right? Luckily, she is pulling harder than I am pushing at this time.

4. I do not own an iPad. In all honestly, I do not need an iPad. I have a smartphone. I have a laptop. Actually, I have two laptops. I have a Nook. I have an iPod. What could I possibly do on an iPad that I cannot already do on any one of the other assorted electronics I own? Nothing. But, being a master pusher, it does not matter. I want an iPad. I think that I need an iPad. I am pushing Ruanita to buy me an iPad. As of yet, I have been unsuccessful. The $600 price tag and her complete lack of appreciation for any and all electronic devices (did I mention she still carries a little flip-style cell phone that is older than all of my children combined?) is causing Ruanita to pull. And pull. And pull some more. I simply do not see an iPad in my future unless one of my loyal readers—overcome with a sense of compassion for my plight—surprises me with one. I’m not holding my breath, however.

As you may have garnered from this list, I am typically the pusher in my marriage and Ruanita is the puller. I push her toward ridiculous, fanciful, often farcical ideas. She pulls me toward non-movement and stagnation. Somehow we meet in the middle. We compromise. We both give a little. As a result, we have a lovely home instead of a mini mansion we can’t afford or a rent-controlled hovel in the hood. We have three happy children instead of an out-of-control brood or one child that we managed to turn freakishly weird with our undivided attention. We have one pet instead of a menagerie to rival any metropolitan zoo. We don’t have cable, but we also don’t spend 90% of our lives staring at the television with drool forming at the corners of our mouths. And we still have Downton Abbey, so not all is lost.

The push and the pull is one more way that my marriage is just like your marriage.