Reason #25 Why My Marriage is Just Like Yours

We are monogamous.

I couldn’t cheat on Ruanita. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t do it. I mean, logistically speaking—I couldn’t do it. Who has the time?

There is no way in hell I could find the time in my busy schedule to even consider getting a little action on the side. Let’s take this weekend for example.

This morning, Sophie and I are supposed to be raking leaves at a cemetery for Girl Scouts. Then I have to pick up Lucas from choir, with Sophie in toe. After choir, the entire family is going to head to Costco to do our twice monthly Costco shopping and have lunch at one of our favorite dining destinations—the Costco snack bar. After Costco, we have to head home and clean the house prior to all of our friends coming over for Bunco tonight. Bunco, and cleaning the aftermath of Bunco, will take us straight up to bedtime. We will retire upstairs where our children will sleep in sleeping bags on our bedroom floor because—well, who the hell knows why? Because they are as codependent as the two adults who brought them into this world.

Tomorrow, Ruanita and I will awake at the crack of dawn to the sensation of three children and a 40-pound dog trying to squeeze their large bodies into our little queen-sized bed. A queen-sized bed that Ruanita and I more than sufficiently fill on our own, thank you very much. We’ll enjoy our usual Sunday morning family love-fest in bed. Ruanita kisses Lucas, he giggles like a little school girl. I tickle Sophie. She screams like a banshee. Stella (the dog) licks Nicholas. He laughs and kicks his legs—right into mommy’s full morning bladder. We make a “Lukie sandwich.” Then a “Nicky sandwich.” We attempt to make a “Sophie sandwich,” but she is offended to her very core that Nicholas’ leg is touching her own. Five people and a boxer in a queen-sized bed, and she doesn't want to be touched! One day that child will be the cause of my grisly and completely untimely death. I just know it.

Eventually, we will rise and begin our day. The kids will watch cartoons or play the Wii while Ruanita and I read the Sunday paper at the kitchen table. Afterwards, I will take a quick shower and head to Target to do our normal weekly grocery shopping. These people like to eat. After that, we are heading to Eagan to my nephew Sullivan’s third birthday party. Those exciting festivities will be followed by a Minnesota Lynx game at the Target Center with friends. We will arrive home just in time to tuck our sleepy, and inevitably crabby, children into bed and fall on top of our own covers exhausted.

Monday begins another week of working opposite schedules. If I am not at work, I am alone with my children during the week. I suppose I could have a secret lover over to hang out while Ruanita is at work. Try as I might, however, I doubt I could convince any potential mistress of the inherent sexiness of Easy Mac and Power Rangers.

Yea, I think cheating on Ruanita is pretty much out of the question. For the reasons outlined above, but more importantly, because I just don’t want to. I have no desire to be with anyone other than Ruanita. I was lucky enough to find someone to love me and put up with all my baggage and weird little idiosyncrasies. Why would I ever risk losing that? How could anything ever be better than the life we’ve built together? I love my life. Ruanita and I belong to one another, and ONLY one another. We are monogamous to the core.

That, my friends is one more reason why my marriage is just like your marriage.