Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Why Momma Can't Lose Weight

Anyone who reads this blog knows that I struggle with my weight. I have been a yo-yo dieter for most of my adult life. During my most recent stint with Weight Watcher’s, I believe I have discovered the root of my problem.

Kids’ food is like crack cocaine.

Seriously. What the hell do they put in that stuff? In my defense, before the Whole Foods zombies descend on me en masse, I do feed my children healthy food most of the time. We eat fruits. And vegetables. And lean chicken and turkey. But we do have a fairly decent amount of "kids' food" in our house on any given day. How is any parent supposed to lose weight when that food is calling to them from the cupboards?

I mean, have you ever tried Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal? Don’t even try to tell me that stuff isn’t enhanced in some way to make it as addictive as heroin. I can easily finish off an entire box while watching Phineas and Ferb on Netflix. And then lick all that sugary, cinnamony goodness off my hands with the same fervor that my dog licks cracker crumbs off the kitchen floor.

And what about Teddy Grahams? Who doesn’t enjoy biting the head off an adorable little teddy bear while giggling maniacally? And they come in four flavors, each more delectable than the last. I do not know what sort of unnatural chemical is baked into those little bears, but whatever it is; it activates my brain’s pleasure centers in a way that is quite simply vulgar. When I stuff myself full of Teddy Grahams, I feel like I can skip my Celexa that night.

And Entenmann’s makes these little muffin packets that are melt-in-your-mouth heaven Five mini muffins per pack. My kids eat them for afternoon snack sometimes. There are all of the flavors you would expect—banana, blueberry, chocolate chip—but then there is also snickerdoodle flavored muffins. Snickerdoodle! If I could melt them down and inject their yummy, snickery, doodly essence intravenously, I think you would find me in some back alley selling myself for my next hit. They are THAT good.

And then there are Fruit Roll-ups. I mean what kind of adult actually needs to ingest a Fruit Roll-up? I would venture to say that none of us do. Ever. But come on…they actually make tie-dyed Fruit Roll-ups! Don’t all the nutritionists tell us we should eat a rainbow? I have no problem in that department. I am drawn to bright primary colors and cartoonish packaging. Of course, I don’t eat Fruit Roll-ups in public because I am, after all, a professional adult. I prefer to eat my Fruit Roll-ups behind a locked door. While sitting on the toilet.

I know. I know. No need to berate me, Jillian Michaels. I know the answer is to simply NOT eat that stuff. But I am weak. I am a human being with severe impulse control issues and an addictive personality. I am a prisoner to my urges. Really, shouldn’t we be blaming General Mills and Kellogg’s and those damn little Keebler elves for marketing that stuff in such shiny packaging that someone like me—someone who undoubtedly has at least a minor case of undiagnosed attention deficit—simply cannot stroll past in the grocery store?

Here’s the thing though. My skinny little kids can eat that crap up. They burn off twice as many calories as they eat most days by simply running around like circus clowns and climbing on the furniture and beating the hell out of one another. But when an adult eats like a child, they get fat. Then they get diabetes. Then they are found huddled in a corner somewhere in the fetal position with a blue Go-gurt mustache, covered in day glow orange Cheetos dust, mumbling something about Fun Dip. Then they die.

I don’t want to die covered in Cheetos dust. That’s not the way I want to leave this world. So I will continue to do Weight Watchers. I will resolve to discontinue my bathroom Fruit Roll-ups. I will hide the cereal boxes. I will eat fruits. I will eat vegetables. I will eat lean proteins. I will even eat whole grains and healthy oils and take a daily multivitamin. I might even exercise occasionally. I will be an adult.

But I will not like it.


Jessica said...

Sounds like the whole family needs to make a shift. Try REAL fruit instead of fruit roll-ups. Yes your kids can get away with eating all that garbage now, but is that how you want to teach them to eat? I'm not saying it is all bad or evil, but no one needs tons of processed foods. Why are you buying packages of muffins when you love to bake so much? I'm pretty sure you could make better and healthier ones at home. Best of luck to you, and STOP buying all that kid crap--it isn't good for you OR your children. P.s. Hope I didn't come off preachy, buy you know I'm big into this topic. ;)

Barb said...

Don't bring the stuff in to the house. It helps. Really. I have a friend whose lost (and kept off) 50 pounds using myfitnesspal.com (It's pretty cool. check it out.) and once she started reading labels and talking about what was IN the foods they were eating, her kids started changing their habits too. The want to know how much sugar is in that or what kind of vitamins are in that. Their entire family has broken their addiction to the sugar. It's amazing. We can't break that addiction in our house. We just don't ever bring it in to the house because if we do we have incidents like what we had last night at 9pm: my four year old and I sharing 1/2 a tub of Cool Whip (which he calls Whipped Fun) while saying over and over again "just one more bite." It's evil stuff. All of it.

Anonymous said...

I am a sugar addict. Two years ago I was on the path to diabetes and had to rein it in and I have. There are tricks if you are going to eat it. Always eat protein with it. No treats ever without protein even at night. Grab a piece of cheese and then eat your crap in moderation. My nutritionist told me this because I could not cut it out entirely. I am happy to report no problems with pre diabetes anymore. Also, she told me to not buy the stuff and if I needed a See's candy fix to drive to the candy store eating a piece of cheese. :)

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