Monday, November 07, 2011

A Photographic Essay on Uselessness

I have come to the realization that I am pretty much useless around my house. Yea…I am a fairly decent mom. And a great taxi cab driver. And I can find a mean bargain at the grocery store. But when it comes to the day-to-day running of this household, I am as useless as a screen door on a submarine. Ruanita rules the roost. She is the queen of my castle. The heart of my family. The backbone of my household. And she has been deathly ill for three solid days. Bed-ridden. She’s been completely out of commission. And we are all paying the price.

Case in point:

This would never ever happen if Ruanita were at all coherent. Dishes simply aren’t left to soak in my sink. And really…these aren’t soaking anyway. They are just randomly stacked. Hanging out. This is the second batch. I caught Ruanita, in a fever-induced stupor, standing at the sink washing the first batch this morning. I had to firmly usher her back to bed. But here the dishes sit….

Last night's brownies. Not even covered, for the love of God! And that steak knife sitting there—is that an invitation to an emergency room visit or what?!?

The plan for the weekend was to rake the leaves in the yard. Now, I am capable of raking leaves, though it is probably my least favorite chore in the world. When Ruanita fell ill, I could have raked the lawn without her. Surprised her with one less chore she had to do. But….the leaves remain. A tangible symbol of my pitiful don’t-give-a-shitness. What can I say? I suck.

In my defense, my mother bought the cheesy popcorn. I am not a fan of it. However, I obviously have not rid my house of it either. Were Ruanita vertical and in her right mind, these would have been tossed out by now. And there would not be dirty cups sitting on the counter. Nor would there empty soda bottles. As a side note, the circa 1999 cell phone belongs to Ruanita. Not only is she an exceptional housekeeper, she is a frugal head of household. Her motto is, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Honey, that cell phone may not be broke, but it breaks me heart every time I see it.

Who do you think reminds the boys to flush the toilet? I’ll give you a hint. Her name does not start with an S.

I am not really a believer in making beds. Actually, that is not true. I love a made bed. As a matter of fact, I enjoy staying in fancy hotels for the sole purpose of climbing into a freshly made bed. So I believe in made beds. I just don’t understand quite how they apply to me. It probably comes as no surprise to you that Ruanita usually makes the kids’ beds. Quite obviously, as you can tell by this photo of my hoarder son’s bed, it has not been made since Ruanita fell ill three days ago.

Yes, I remembered to get the mail out of the mailbox today. I even looked through it. I ripped up the credit card offers and other junk mail with my personal information on it—as Ruanita has so diligently taught me to do. Then I left it all laying on the living room end table. Yea….Ruanita would have totally picked that up by now.

A random baby wipe. Not sure where this came from or who last used it. It is certainly used. And it is sitting on my living room floor where said user discarded it—lying in wait for my dog to swallow it and choke. See, not even the dog is safe when Ruanita is incapacitated!

Lucas' lunch box. Still laying on the table where he dropped it when he came home from school. He’s lucky he got lunch at all today. I did a fairly decent job of feeding everyone this morning. I got everyone dressed. I made sure they were all wearing shoes and their homework was in their backpacks. As I was ushering them out the door, I heard Ruanita rattling around in the kitchen. Thinking she was looking for the cold medicine that was on the microwave, I was surprised to see her walk into the living room with Lucas’ lunchbox in hand. “Oh, shit! I forgot his lunch. Let me make it real quick.” With a quivering voice and a shaky hand, Ruanita handed him his lunch box, fully prepared. Even with a fever of 102.7, she did not forget that her child needed to eat. She was even thoughtful enough to wrap up a brownie for him…to make Monday a little brighter. My children would certainly starve if they had to depend on me!

My poor, depressed dog has not been walked in three days. My suckage does not differentiate between man and beast. I let them all down. Waaaaay down.

Ummm…yea….after all the housework I did not do today, I simply didn’t have the stamina to cook dinner.

Sadly, not a single one of these pictures were staged. In my defense, I was working from home today. I had computer issues that frustrated the hell out of me and five conference calls I had to dial in to. That’s my story, at least. And I’m sticking to it.

We need Ruanita to get better. For the well-being of the entire house (not to mention for sanity’s and sanitation’s sake), we need her to be well again.

Please, baby. Get better.


Madgew said...

This is probably without question your best blog to date. This is the funniest and yet pathetic posts I have read. You truly need Ruanita less you ever doubted it. I love your sense of humor and this one I am definitely sharing on FB. You should be ashamed :) But I love you anyway.

Carol said...

OMG Shannon, that is hysterical!! Thank you so much for making me laugh!! That is how my house looks when I get sick and K is left in charge. I hope your sweetie gets well soon. For everyone!!

Jessica said...

Sadly, I have many of those problems and am apparently the same boat. Unfortunately I HAVE to be in charge of all that stuff because I am the stay at home mom. "Having to" doesn't mean I do a good job though. :(

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