Thursday, February 24, 2011

In Violation of City Fire Codes

I am considering locking my son in his bedroom. I realize this probably violates city fire ordinances. And it may be considered child endangerment. And possible animal abuse, as well, since the cat will likely be lounging her fat and furry body at the foot of his bed. Despite my belief that child endangerment should generally be frowned upon, I have come to the conclusion that this may well be my only option.

Nicholas is driving me mad. I tuck him in every night, only to re-tuck him at least a dozen times. I put him to bed and almost immediately he is standing next to me in the living room. I need to tell you something. What is it, Nicholas? I love you. Yes, it is sweet. Yes, it is probably considered desirable for your child to tell you he loves you. However, in the case of Nicholas, that love is not heartfelt. Perhaps it was the first time he uttered it this evening. But on the 254th time he told me he loved me, I began to suspect that his declaration of affection was merely a ploy to get out of his bed. I love you too, Nicholas. However, I do not want to see your face again this evening. He trots back to his bed, only to emerge five minutes later claiming that he has something of utmost importance to tell me. What is it Nicholas? I love you. Grrrr. I send him back to his bed with a firm directive that I will beat him unconscious if he emerges from his room again. Apparently, he can see through that little white lie. A few minutes later, I see a blue streak fly across the hallway out of the corner of my eye. Nicholas, come here! Umm....what? Your sister is asleep. What are you doing in her room? I need to tell her something. She is asleep. Tell her tomorrow. Back to his room for the 329th time.

This continues well past the point in time where I become exhausted and want to drag my lazy body upstairs and put it to bed. But I can't. Nicholas is still talking to who-knows-who in his bedroom. And if I go upstairs, he will follow me. He will bring the madness, uninvited, to my domain. My sanctuary.

I wonder how strictly city fire ordinances are enforced. I believe I have justifiable cause to lock him in his bedroom. If I put one of those little "Please Save My Pet" stickers aimed at firefighters on his bedroom window, will that suffice? Wait a minute....dammit! I just remembered that his bedroom door doesn't lock. Perhaps I could install a chain lock just out of the little booger's reach?

That'll teach him to tell me he loves me!


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