Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Logic would dictate....

As a lesbian, logic would dictate that my house should be pretty much devoid of penis action. I always believed that would be the case. That is...until I had children. Little boys are wonderful...sweet, loving little creature. I absolutely adore having boys. However, I feel ill-prepared to handle all of the penis action going on in my house. Last night, I actually had to utter the phrase, "If you are going to play air guitar with your penis, please shut the door so the rest of us do not have to watch." That is wrong on so many levels.

Lucas and Nicky are obsessed with their penises. Every time I change Nicholas' diaper (he pees on the potty, but refuses to poop there), he tells me "Please be careful with my penny." As if I am going to attack it! And Lucas is worse...he constantly has his hand on his, as if he thinks it is going to jump off of his body and run away. And bath time...don't even get me started! I have walked in on Lucas numerous times to find him laying in the tub with a strange array of objects just sitting on his penis. He's had a cup sitting on his penis...a little action figure...goggles...I've even walked in on him trying to place a snorkel on it. I am pretty certain that thing can breath underwater, Lucas!

I remember potty training Lucas as a small boy. I vividly remember him sitting on the toilet in our upstairs bathroom...a serious look on his face...trying to pee. He looked up at me earnestly and whispered, "My brain is in my penis and it tells the pee come out." His brain is in his penis? Truer words have never been spoken!

I have heard from reliable sources that this obsession with all things penis does not lessen as boys grow older. As a matter of fact, I was horrified to learn from my straight married friends that it lasts well into adulthood. So I guess I better get used to talking penises....looks like I've got a lifetime of it ahead of me. Then again, aren't teenagers mortified to talk about anything "private" with their parents? Perhaps I only have 9 or 10 more years of this to go?

Until then...I will bravely carry on. A lesbian amongst penises. Out of my element, but soldiering on for the little boys I dearly love.


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