Thursday, April 15, 2010


As I was perusing art prints on yesterday in search of the perfect print to hang above my bed, I came across a print that said, "Follow your bliss." For some reason, I was drawn to this phrase. Follow my bliss? Do I even have bliss? Do I know what causes me bliss? How can I follow my bliss if I don't know where it is? Perhaps I misplaced my bliss....lost it somewhere...left it on the bus one day?

Don't get me wrong...I have things that make me happy. I have certain things that make me extraordinarily happy. My children make me happy. They frustrate me to no end, but at the end of the day, they bring me more joy than anything in my life. My relationship with my partner makes me happy. I feel that Ruanita and I are strong and can do absolutely anything when we are together. I love her and I have no doubt that she feels the same way about me. My home makes me happy. I love my house...I love my yard....I love my bed...I love my kitchen. My house is warm and comfortable and....just feels like home. While I don't "love" my job, it is a good job that pays me well and allows me to be home with my children every afternoon. So although it doesn't bring me huge amounts of joy, I feel lucky to have it. I feel blessed in many aspects of my life. I blissful?

When I think of the word bliss, I think of an inner calmness. I think of a contentment that radiates from within...a contentment that pours over into all aspects of one's life. I don't know that I have that. I grew up thinking that I was going to conquer the world and do monumental things with my life. I guess we all grow up thinking that....and then we become adults and realize that few people really get to do the things we imagined. I know raising children is monumental...and I know finding the love of one's life (which I most certainly have) is monumental and something only a lucky handful of people achieve. However, is it possible that something is still missing? I feel like I have somehow "lost" myself behind the designation of "mom." I think I am a good mom....but is a mom all I am anymore? And a career? I do not have one. I have a $60,000 education and I work part-time in customer service for a heating company! I am thankful for my job because it works perfectly with our schedules...but it's a job. Not a career. There is very little intellectual stimulation in my job (as evidenced by the fact that I do most of my blogging at work and still manage to easily stay on top of my workload). There is very little intellectual stimulation in my life. I don't know that I even possess the ability to talk intelligently anymore. I can talk circles around anyone when it comes to poop or pee or the nutritional content of various brands of kids' breakfast cereal. However...real conversation? About current events? Politics? Philosophy? I am lost.

I realize that a lack of "bliss" is a problem of the privileged. There are women in this this city...who are struggling to feed their children. And I am worried about not being blissful enough?! Not being intellectually stimulated?! It seems arrogant to me. However, I can't help feeling the way I do. I need to find something that satisfies me...fulfills me. Something outside of the realm of marriage or motherhood. Something that makes me feel like I am more than a partner and mother. Unfortunately, at this point, I have no earthly idea what that would be. Ruanita is going to read this and come to the conclusion that I am unhappy...she will probably encourage me to seek out therapy, as therapy is a therapist's answer to everything. However, I am NOT unhappy. I love my life and all of the people in it...I just wish I could find something to put my energy into that makes me feel like "me" again. Again...I have no clue what that would be. But I am open to suggestions.....


Anonymous said...

Shannon, I can complete understand your feelings here. I feel the same way. I love Jeanne and the boys are my world. But I too wish I could find something that made me feel 'complete' or accomplished. Maybe we should put our heads together and we could come up with some answers? :-) ~Mariah

Anonymous said...

ART!! Matt said you are really good! If you paint me a pretty picture, I'll buy it from you!! :)


Shannon Ralph said...

Thanks, Jen! I haven't painted in a VERY long time.

Mariah--Let me know if you come up with anything! :)

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