Sappy musings...

I am sitting here at work...a place I really did not want to come today. For some reason, I am just not feeling it today. I am having motivational issues, to say the least. I am sitting here staring at the pictures of my kids I have plastered all over my cube....my favorite pictures in the world of my favorite people in the world. I am amazed at times how just looking at pictures of them can bring a lump to my throat and a tear to my eye. As much as they drive me crazy, I wish I was at home with them. I miss them when I am not with them.

Lucas, my beautiful first-born child, is becoming a little man. He's getting tall and thin and losing a lot of that roundness in his face. His chubby dimpled cheeks that I absolutely adored kissing when he was a baby are disappearing more and more each day. He has interests and thoughts and ideas of his very own...that have absolutely nothing to do with me. Gone are the days when Ruanita and I were his entire world. He is in school now. His world is expanding at an amazing rate. In some ways, I feel like I am losing a tiny piece of him every day that I send him off to school. I don't want to let go of him. I want to protect him from anything and everything that will ever make him sad....or angry....or afraid. Doesn't the world know what a precious and extraordinary person he is? How can they not see it??

And Sophie...my beautiful, sassy little girl. How could I possibly be expected to get through a day without her hugs and kisses? I write a lot about us butting heads and fighting....but the truth is, I admire her so much. I wish I were more like her. She is such a strong, passionate child. When she is angry, it is true that everyone knows about it and mommy cringes. In the same way, however, her joy is contagious when she is happy. She lights up from head to toe and her enthusiasm can be seen in every inch of her body. She laughs with complete and total abandon. I wish I could laugh like that. To see her running topless through the house in her blue jeans and pink cowboy hat, giggling and yelling with her brothers...a little girl completely and totally free....that is one of the truest joys of my life.

And my baby Nicky...my littlest love. He is my cuddler. He is the first one to say "I love you, momma." And he says it often. He loves nothing better than sitting in my lap, clinging to me and his blue blankie. He is devotion personified. And he's smart...smarter than me, I sometimes think. He has an earnestness that I have never seen before in such a young child. He has a focus and concentration that I admire. He is relentless. He will keep at a task until he is able to do it (with the exception of potty training, of course)....on his own. He has his little eccentricities...ways he likes to do things...that may seem odd to some people. But I understand him completely. And I adore him.

My kids are the most amazing creatures I have ever seen. To think that I had a hand in creating them is an honor and a privilege that I can't even express in words. It is true that they push me to the farthest reaches of sanity on a daily basis. I admit that there has been more than one occasion through the years that I have daydreamed about what my life would be like if I had chosen not to have children. I imagine it would be more peaceful...more relaxing. I could travel...see the world. But I would be void of many of the things that are the most important to me. I would have a lot less joy, a tiny bit less frustration, and abundantly less love. Not worth it, as far as I am concerned.